Hello Bachelors and Bachelorettes! I’ve missed you so. But I hope you haven’t missed what’s happened in Bachelor-land! When I last left you, Roberto and Ali were heading off to go live happily ever after (and so far so good!) and we were gearing up for the “Bachelor Pad”…which turned out to be more like the Bachelor Rad!
Let’s start with our little lovebirds. I’ve been on a lot of plane trips recently, so I’ve been able to spend a lot of quality time with the mind-numbing trash that I prefer to call literature. Ya know, so I feel better about myself. As you know, Ali and Roberto moved to San Diego, where Roberto set up his insurance company and Jillian (who is now a designer on “Extreme Home Makeover”) helped them set up their love nest. They’ve been to the San Diego zoo, threw in the first pitch at a Padres game, and went to dinner a couple times. I wish there were something more exciting to report on that front.
Well, while Ali and Roberto were busy settling in to a drama-free life, the drama was heating up on the Bachelor Rad. Chris Harrison promised me a good show, and let me tell ya, he didn’t disappoint. That show was so full of crazy that I couldn’t begin to figure out how to recap it. It was like “The Bachelor,” “Real World,” and “Big Brother” rolled in to one delightfully hot mess.
I’ll quickly recap for you the recipe for disaster:
• Locate an isolated mansion in California
• Fold in 16 excessively attractive coeds, Crazy Michelle, The Weatherman and “Don’t Kiss Me” Elizabeth
• Place coeds in one bedroom with bunk beds
• Add a significant cash prize
• Mix with alcohol
• Whip up drama by asking coeds to vote each other off of the show
• Sprinkle with tears
• Beat with mental and physical challenges
• Peel clothing and bake at 98 degrees by the pool
• Drizzle with more alcohol
• Separate coeds and place a small portion in the “fantasy suite”.
• Allow drama to rise
• Stir in some alliances and crushes
• Top with rose ceremonies
In the end, Beaker (aka, Tenley) and Kypton were one of two couples left standing at the final rose ceremony. Despite Beaker’s use of tears and a baby voice, the jilted cast mates gave their final votes to “I like Bears…all kinds of Bears” Natalie and Crazy Eyes Dave from beautiful Dayton, Ohio.
And now we’re left with a Bachelor void. In an attempt to cheer me up, ABC announced their next Bachelor. I got really excited when I was watching “Dancing with the Stars” and saw Chris Harrison out of the corner of my eye, sitting next to none other than The Weatherman! I became giddy, wishing, hoping and dreaming that The Weatherman would be announced as the next Bachelor. Really, wouldn’t that be the best show ever? I’m certain that there are at least 20 women out there who somehow think he’s charming and I’m absolutely dying to see them. Better yet, I really want to see The Weatherman awkwardly try to romance them.
Alas, my hopes were dashed when the camera panned back to Chris Harrison, and The Weatherman was replaced by Brad Womack. Whoa-mack! Nooooo-mack! Recall we’ve already been through the drama with Brad…and it wasn’t very dramalicious. Brad is the Texas bar owner (really…73% of TV personalities hail from Texas) who offered us a season so dull that I have absolutely nothing to say about it! Gasp! All I remember is how he left both DeAnna Pappas and Jenni Croft broken hearted at the final rose ceremony.
After that infamous rose ceremony, Brad felt like “public enemy No. 1.” To all of the Bachelor viewers Brad disappointed, puh-lease. Break up with them today, break up with them tomorrow, it’s all the same. All you missed was a week of believing he’d found love before US Weekly’s “They’re Over” announcement.
Apparently Brad was so broken up after the show (primarily because Ellen DeGeneres called him a jerk) that he’s gone through years of therapy. Yes, therapy. Now he believes he’s ready to meet the one…and feels that a second go at the show is the way to do it. Despite my disappointment, I’m hoping that Chris Harrison can stir up some drama. At minimum we’ll get to see Brad with his shirt off as a consolation prize.
In other news, I broke my hand a few weeks ago. Surgery and a titanium plate later, I made it very clear to my occupational therapist that I need to be in tip top typing shape by the January 3rd season premiere. At this point, a few minutes of typing and I have to revert back to the one-handed hunt and peck, but I promise, no matter what happens, from limos and awkward introductions to overnight dates and the final rose, I promise to be with you for the journey.
Talk to you next year!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Bachelorette Finale: The Rainbow Connection
Well, my friends, Ali’s quest for reality TV love is over. Roberto and Ali are moving to an apartment in San Diego, Chris is moving back to Cape Cod with a broken heart, and I am moving on to “The Bachelor Pad.”
This season has left me with a conflicted soul. While I appreciated the drama and wish Ali well, we now know that she made her mind up about Roberto the second he stepped out of the limo. So why of all the bachelors did she have to string sweet Chris along? The guy with the most fragile heart of the bunch?
Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Considering her luck with Frank and “Rated R,” I suppose she could have uncovered some chink in the Roberto chain along the way. But she didn’t and before Ali could live happily ever after with her Latin Lova’ she needed to jump through one more ABC hoop and introduce Chris to her family…allowing him to daydream about being a part of it. Like Chris, they’re from the East coast and they’re all a bunch of teachers. He bonded with Ali’s siblings and told them about his mom. For nothin’!
The day after introducing Roberto and Chris to her family Ali romped around Bora Bora with Roberto. My favorite part of the date was when they were jet skiing and just “happened” upon a swarm of sting rays. Yeah, sure. Totally unplanned. I had a totally unplanned encounter with a slew of stingrays in Grand Cayman. I mean, unplanned except for the fact that I was on a tour boat and I jumped into the water with buckets of squid. But other than that, they just “happened” to be there. This was pre-Steve Irwin, of course. Else I wouldn’t have dove five feet under the water to chase stingrays, trying to get their attention with a fist full of squid held out in front of me. And just as my friends and I were discussing our skepticism we caught Roberto squid-handed! Oh you Bachelor producers…we’re on to you.
A little while later the two shared the “most romantic and magical experience” of Ali’s life when it started pouring on their beach picnic and they kissed in the ocean…in the rain. My friends weren’t so sure after the stingray hoax. They referenced the Truman Show. How do we reaaaaally know it was raining? We imagined a hose and a giant fan just off-screen.
After their beach romping the pair went back to Ali’s hut and romped around some more. I’m pretty sure Ali woke up the next morning saying “wuh whoa”…something clearly happened in that hut that made her realize it just wouldn’t be acceptable to go on a date with Chris afterwards. Hmmm. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
So, it was off to dump Chris. And, following Frank’s lead, Ali came knocking on the door for their date that never was. Chris spent hours primping his hair into the perfect 2 inch spike and after all that, she dumped him before they could set foot in the Bora Bora sand. Ali truly did do the right thing by not letting Chris attend the final rose ceremony. Other girls have allowed their runner-up to go through a big long song and dance proposal before kicking him to the curb. Chris appreciated how Ali handled the situation and thanked her, proving what an “amazing” guy he is.
After Ali left Chris broken-hearted he saw a beautiful rainbow in the sky. Rainbows represent his mother watching over him and it gave him great peace. She was definitely looking out for him. I think she was saying, “You dodged a bullet with that one, my son.”
This last episode really took the Bachelorette wind out of my sails. I do believe that Ali made the right choice and that she and Roberto potentially have a “connection” that might last. But I so desperately wanted happiness for Chris. I think Chris also wanted happiness for Chris and that he would have fallen in love with the Bachelorette…any Bachelorette. But Chris is so great that I’m not worried about him finding the right gal and honestly, I feel a little better for myself just knowing there are guys like Chris out there. But most of all, I’m crossing my fingers that he becomes the next Bachelor and I am considering ordering P90x so I can get ready for my hot tub scenes.
And now we must bid adieu to helicopter rides, hot bods, tears, the guarding and protecting of hearts, competition, and romance. Or must we? Let’s see what “The Bachelor Pad” has in store for us, shall we? According to Chris Harrison, it’s going to be amazing. According to me, Mondays are still complete and all is right with the reality world.
This season has left me with a conflicted soul. While I appreciated the drama and wish Ali well, we now know that she made her mind up about Roberto the second he stepped out of the limo. So why of all the bachelors did she have to string sweet Chris along? The guy with the most fragile heart of the bunch?
Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Considering her luck with Frank and “Rated R,” I suppose she could have uncovered some chink in the Roberto chain along the way. But she didn’t and before Ali could live happily ever after with her Latin Lova’ she needed to jump through one more ABC hoop and introduce Chris to her family…allowing him to daydream about being a part of it. Like Chris, they’re from the East coast and they’re all a bunch of teachers. He bonded with Ali’s siblings and told them about his mom. For nothin’!
The day after introducing Roberto and Chris to her family Ali romped around Bora Bora with Roberto. My favorite part of the date was when they were jet skiing and just “happened” upon a swarm of sting rays. Yeah, sure. Totally unplanned. I had a totally unplanned encounter with a slew of stingrays in Grand Cayman. I mean, unplanned except for the fact that I was on a tour boat and I jumped into the water with buckets of squid. But other than that, they just “happened” to be there. This was pre-Steve Irwin, of course. Else I wouldn’t have dove five feet under the water to chase stingrays, trying to get their attention with a fist full of squid held out in front of me. And just as my friends and I were discussing our skepticism we caught Roberto squid-handed! Oh you Bachelor producers…we’re on to you.
A little while later the two shared the “most romantic and magical experience” of Ali’s life when it started pouring on their beach picnic and they kissed in the ocean…in the rain. My friends weren’t so sure after the stingray hoax. They referenced the Truman Show. How do we reaaaaally know it was raining? We imagined a hose and a giant fan just off-screen.
After their beach romping the pair went back to Ali’s hut and romped around some more. I’m pretty sure Ali woke up the next morning saying “wuh whoa”…something clearly happened in that hut that made her realize it just wouldn’t be acceptable to go on a date with Chris afterwards. Hmmm. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
So, it was off to dump Chris. And, following Frank’s lead, Ali came knocking on the door for their date that never was. Chris spent hours primping his hair into the perfect 2 inch spike and after all that, she dumped him before they could set foot in the Bora Bora sand. Ali truly did do the right thing by not letting Chris attend the final rose ceremony. Other girls have allowed their runner-up to go through a big long song and dance proposal before kicking him to the curb. Chris appreciated how Ali handled the situation and thanked her, proving what an “amazing” guy he is.
After Ali left Chris broken-hearted he saw a beautiful rainbow in the sky. Rainbows represent his mother watching over him and it gave him great peace. She was definitely looking out for him. I think she was saying, “You dodged a bullet with that one, my son.”
This last episode really took the Bachelorette wind out of my sails. I do believe that Ali made the right choice and that she and Roberto potentially have a “connection” that might last. But I so desperately wanted happiness for Chris. I think Chris also wanted happiness for Chris and that he would have fallen in love with the Bachelorette…any Bachelorette. But Chris is so great that I’m not worried about him finding the right gal and honestly, I feel a little better for myself just knowing there are guys like Chris out there. But most of all, I’m crossing my fingers that he becomes the next Bachelor and I am considering ordering P90x so I can get ready for my hot tub scenes.
And now we must bid adieu to helicopter rides, hot bods, tears, the guarding and protecting of hearts, competition, and romance. Or must we? Let’s see what “The Bachelor Pad” has in store for us, shall we? According to Chris Harrison, it’s going to be amazing. According to me, Mondays are still complete and all is right with the reality world.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The Bachelorette Weeks 7 & 8: A Romantic Suite Foregone
Sorry for flaking last week. This is what happened on the hometown dates…
Ali and Roberto played a little baseball in Miami and, as usual, they didn’t talk about a whole lot, but had a serious physical connection. Then they went to visit Roberto’s parents, who are extremely proud of their son and seemed to be unsure of whether or not Ali was good enough for him. Dad was worried that Ali’s career aspirations would keep her from caring for his grandchildren. But after some salsa dancing in the living room I think she proved herself to be a catch.
Ali visited Chris L’s family, the best family in the history of the Bachelor / Bachelorette, in Cape Cod. First Ali and Chris took a rainy walk along the beach. Unfortunately, Chris didn’t inform Ali of the plan ahead of time and , sporting a pair of fancy leather, high-heeled boots, she tried to play it cool as her heels sunk in the sand step after step after step. After the walk Chris took Ali to his childhood home, where she was met with photos of his mom and more depressing conversation. Upon reuniting, Chris and his family (dad, two brothers, a sister-in-law and a sister-in-law-to-be) all embraced one another and proved themselves to be an incredibly loving and close knit family. I almost cried. Chris’s family was very hopeful for Chris and Ali and as Chris’s dad kissed Ali’s cheek goodbye I decided she would be insane not to want to be a part of this family, too.
Kirk’s hometown dates were a little less exciting. Kirk didn’t plan anything other than trips to each of his parents’ houses. They started at Kirk’s dad’s house, which was filled from floor to ceiling with knick knacks. Ali couldn’t enjoy the flea market splendor for long because Kirk’s dad immediately whisked her down to his basement taxidermy workshop. Ali kindly admired the “natural” décor and bits and pieces in the freezer. In the end, Kirk’s dad was very kind and the two had a heart to heart before Kirk took Ali to his mom’s house. Poor Kirk, after those dates, the writing (well, animal head) was on the wall, and Kirk’s romance with Ali was over.
The final home town date was in Chicago for a visit with Frank’s family. The visit with the family was uneventful, but what I remember is how incredibly standoffish Frank was as they cruised down the Chicago river. Well, that’s because he lies awake at night thinking of his ex girlfriend…not Ali. Despite Frank’s usual weird standoffish and overly emotional behavior, Ali decided to keep him around and sent Kirk home. Bad choice. I would have liked Kirk and his bod to join me in Tahiti. For sure.
On to the romantic overnight dates.
Per Ali, Tahiti is the “perfect place to fall in love.” So was Iceland. Oh and Istanbul and Portugal, too.
Both Chris and Roberto are falling in love with Ali while Frank has some feelings” brewing” for his ex, Nicole. So, while in Chicago, Frank decided to go visit Nicole to see if his feelings for her are real. He showed up at her front door and, after telling her what an amazing connection he has with Ali, he asked for Nicole to take him back. She accepted with some baby talk. “Nevew weave me again.”
Ali then arrived in Tahiti and settled into her hut on the water. Basically a dream honeymoon. Per the producer’s request she immediately threw on a pink swim suit and hopped in the water. Then she pulled a Little Mermaid move…popping out of the water and flipping her hair from front to back.
Ali went to visit Robert and snuggled him under his massively wet armpits. He was NOT sure to be dry and I’m guessing her man did NOT smell like an Old Spice man. Surprise, surprise, Ali took Roberto to a…wait for it…wait for it…helicopter!!! The copter dropped them off on a private island where they stripped off their clothes (real quick) and Roberto scooped Ali up and ran for the water. Ali told us her physical chemistry with Robert is “intense”. We’ve noticed. And we noticed some more as they sat in the shallow water “spider” style and made out, paying no attention to the under-water cameras that were capturing it all.
Over dinner they continued to swoon over one another. Roberto, in a long-sleeved shirt, dropping beads of sweat into their wine glasses, told Ali that he’s falling in love with her. Kissing ensued before Ali presented the standard overnight date card. Roberto pretended like had no idea what was coming as he read “Should you choose to forego your individual rooms….” Clearly Roberto accepted. They were so eager to get to the suite that they waded through the water to get to their hut instead of taking the long way home. Clever Ali. The first thing she said was, “You’re soaking wet” and then helped Roberto out of his shirt before the camera cut out.
Chris then arrived in Tahiti and the two skipped off to a gorgeous boat ride where they talked about Chris’s amazing family before snuggling on the bow of the boat. The boat then dropped anchor and the two jumped in the water and swam to the island. But as soon as they could stand, Ali used the leg wraparound and Chris carried her (making out the whole time) to the beach. When they finally got there they opened oysters looking for pearls and ABC documented their thievery, as I’m guessing those pearls belong to Tahiti.
They had dinner on a private island, “Just the two of us.” Well, and the camera men and the microphone holder and the makeup girl. When she was ready for more hanky panky, she presented the fantasy suite card. After discussing their future and where they would live Chris said, “God, I love you.” My heart skipped a beat while Ali giggled. It was precious. But my fear is that we’ll be watching him get his heart broken in a couple weeks.
Meanwhile, Frank arrived and got some advice from Chris Harrison before heading out to devastate Ali. Ali, excited for her date with Frank, was in for a rude awakening when he immediately said “We need to talk.” Frank couldn’t spit it out and tortured Ali as tears welled up in her eyes. Finally he admitted that he had “unresolved feelings for an ex girlfriend.” They cried together for a while and after a long embrace, Ali walked away, a perfectly good sailing date gone to waste. I think she should have called Chris L to ask him to take her for a spin.
And then there were two. Roberto or Chris. Who’s it gonna’ be? Well, we have to suffer through Monday’s “Men Tell All” episode before we find out.
Ali and Roberto played a little baseball in Miami and, as usual, they didn’t talk about a whole lot, but had a serious physical connection. Then they went to visit Roberto’s parents, who are extremely proud of their son and seemed to be unsure of whether or not Ali was good enough for him. Dad was worried that Ali’s career aspirations would keep her from caring for his grandchildren. But after some salsa dancing in the living room I think she proved herself to be a catch.
Ali visited Chris L’s family, the best family in the history of the Bachelor / Bachelorette, in Cape Cod. First Ali and Chris took a rainy walk along the beach. Unfortunately, Chris didn’t inform Ali of the plan ahead of time and , sporting a pair of fancy leather, high-heeled boots, she tried to play it cool as her heels sunk in the sand step after step after step. After the walk Chris took Ali to his childhood home, where she was met with photos of his mom and more depressing conversation. Upon reuniting, Chris and his family (dad, two brothers, a sister-in-law and a sister-in-law-to-be) all embraced one another and proved themselves to be an incredibly loving and close knit family. I almost cried. Chris’s family was very hopeful for Chris and Ali and as Chris’s dad kissed Ali’s cheek goodbye I decided she would be insane not to want to be a part of this family, too.
Kirk’s hometown dates were a little less exciting. Kirk didn’t plan anything other than trips to each of his parents’ houses. They started at Kirk’s dad’s house, which was filled from floor to ceiling with knick knacks. Ali couldn’t enjoy the flea market splendor for long because Kirk’s dad immediately whisked her down to his basement taxidermy workshop. Ali kindly admired the “natural” décor and bits and pieces in the freezer. In the end, Kirk’s dad was very kind and the two had a heart to heart before Kirk took Ali to his mom’s house. Poor Kirk, after those dates, the writing (well, animal head) was on the wall, and Kirk’s romance with Ali was over.
The final home town date was in Chicago for a visit with Frank’s family. The visit with the family was uneventful, but what I remember is how incredibly standoffish Frank was as they cruised down the Chicago river. Well, that’s because he lies awake at night thinking of his ex girlfriend…not Ali. Despite Frank’s usual weird standoffish and overly emotional behavior, Ali decided to keep him around and sent Kirk home. Bad choice. I would have liked Kirk and his bod to join me in Tahiti. For sure.
On to the romantic overnight dates.
Per Ali, Tahiti is the “perfect place to fall in love.” So was Iceland. Oh and Istanbul and Portugal, too.
Both Chris and Roberto are falling in love with Ali while Frank has some feelings” brewing” for his ex, Nicole. So, while in Chicago, Frank decided to go visit Nicole to see if his feelings for her are real. He showed up at her front door and, after telling her what an amazing connection he has with Ali, he asked for Nicole to take him back. She accepted with some baby talk. “Nevew weave me again.”
Ali then arrived in Tahiti and settled into her hut on the water. Basically a dream honeymoon. Per the producer’s request she immediately threw on a pink swim suit and hopped in the water. Then she pulled a Little Mermaid move…popping out of the water and flipping her hair from front to back.
Ali went to visit Robert and snuggled him under his massively wet armpits. He was NOT sure to be dry and I’m guessing her man did NOT smell like an Old Spice man. Surprise, surprise, Ali took Roberto to a…wait for it…wait for it…helicopter!!! The copter dropped them off on a private island where they stripped off their clothes (real quick) and Roberto scooped Ali up and ran for the water. Ali told us her physical chemistry with Robert is “intense”. We’ve noticed. And we noticed some more as they sat in the shallow water “spider” style and made out, paying no attention to the under-water cameras that were capturing it all.
Over dinner they continued to swoon over one another. Roberto, in a long-sleeved shirt, dropping beads of sweat into their wine glasses, told Ali that he’s falling in love with her. Kissing ensued before Ali presented the standard overnight date card. Roberto pretended like had no idea what was coming as he read “Should you choose to forego your individual rooms….” Clearly Roberto accepted. They were so eager to get to the suite that they waded through the water to get to their hut instead of taking the long way home. Clever Ali. The first thing she said was, “You’re soaking wet” and then helped Roberto out of his shirt before the camera cut out.
Chris then arrived in Tahiti and the two skipped off to a gorgeous boat ride where they talked about Chris’s amazing family before snuggling on the bow of the boat. The boat then dropped anchor and the two jumped in the water and swam to the island. But as soon as they could stand, Ali used the leg wraparound and Chris carried her (making out the whole time) to the beach. When they finally got there they opened oysters looking for pearls and ABC documented their thievery, as I’m guessing those pearls belong to Tahiti.
They had dinner on a private island, “Just the two of us.” Well, and the camera men and the microphone holder and the makeup girl. When she was ready for more hanky panky, she presented the fantasy suite card. After discussing their future and where they would live Chris said, “God, I love you.” My heart skipped a beat while Ali giggled. It was precious. But my fear is that we’ll be watching him get his heart broken in a couple weeks.
Meanwhile, Frank arrived and got some advice from Chris Harrison before heading out to devastate Ali. Ali, excited for her date with Frank, was in for a rude awakening when he immediately said “We need to talk.” Frank couldn’t spit it out and tortured Ali as tears welled up in her eyes. Finally he admitted that he had “unresolved feelings for an ex girlfriend.” They cried together for a while and after a long embrace, Ali walked away, a perfectly good sailing date gone to waste. I think she should have called Chris L to ask him to take her for a spin.
And then there were two. Roberto or Chris. Who’s it gonna’ be? Well, we have to suffer through Monday’s “Men Tell All” episode before we find out.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Bachelorette Week 6: Achy Breaky Heart
This week on the Bachelorette…
Ali pouted her way through one more rose ceremony and Ty was sent home with an achy breaky heart.
Ali made her decision about Ty last week when she uncovered that he doesn’t know girls can be good at math and science. This week Ali was a major party pooper and didn’t leave me with much to write about other than that Portugal looks really pretty and I might put it on my travel wish list.
Ali had a one-on-one date with Roberto. They ran around Lisbon kissing and taking silly pictures and then danced in the street together. Basically they had a “Hey, Portugal. Look at us. We’re annoying Americans!” date. But to Ali it was a “fairytale” and Roberto promised Ali a lifetime of moments like that one if she keeps him around. If she doesn’t want those moments (but I think she does), I’ll take ‘em!
Next came a two-on-one date with Frank and Ty. And surprise, surprise, they went on another helicopter ride. After the ride the group climbed up to an old castle where they had dinner while Ali was in a ridiculous funk. She had some time with Ty, where she quizzed him again about the traditional gender roles he seems to expect in a relationship. Warming! Warning!
Ty reminds me of a guy I never met on E-Harmony. It’s true…fours years ago I signed up for about 32 minutes. The way this dating sites works is, based on a ridiculously thorough questionnaire, E-Harmony tells you who you’re compatible with and then you read your potential suitor’s profile. After jumping through some hoops you email back and forth until you decide if you want to meet in real life. Well, I never made it past the “read their profile” stage. Like Ali, I consider myself to be independent and career-minded and God-willing, if I ever get to be a mommy, I expect I’ll keep working. So, when E-Harmony recommended a fella’ like Ty who was looking for a woman to take care of who would stay home and do sweet things like put love notes in his lunch box (dead serious…love notes in the lunch box), they lost complete credibility with me and I didn’t give my Ty a rose either.
Next Ali had some special time with Frank where, in preparation for next week’s hometown dates, he told her that he lives with his parents. He’s 30 if you were wondering. But when he got teary over the situation he won some XOXO’s before they sat in a tree making out.
The next day Ali took Kirk around Lisbon in a horse-drawn carriage to a palace and it was Kirk who felt he was in the fairytale. While Ali was all about her date with Roberto, she was a little black rain cloud with Kirk, which made him worry and rightfully so. I just don’t see this relationship lasting past the hometown dates, especially after Kirk’s dad introduces Ali to all of the Bambis displayed on his basement walls.
On Chris L’s date Ali admitted that she sees him as more of a friend and that the relationship is progressing slowly. Bummer. Ali, I thought you wanted to laugh with someone for the rest of your life. If so, Chris L is your man! Roberto may be hot, but he hasn’t made a single joke all season while Chris L keeps you in stitches! Maybe the relationship isn’t progressing physically because all Ali asks Chris about is his dead mother and making out after those discussions just doesn’t seem appropriate. But Chris L won some bonus points by giving Ali a present that he’d been hanging onto, a silver bracelet that a family friend made. I waaaaant one…a bracelet…and a Chris.
So that was the show. Not to exciting, eh?
But wait. There’s more!
Jake and Vienna, who broke up last week, joined Chris Harrison for an interview so they could make boobs of themselves. I’m going to keep it brief, but you really need to watch it and Jake needs to look up the definition of “undermine”.
Jake came across as an asexual and cold-hearted jerk face who was more upset about Vienna selling her story to a magazine than the actual breakup. Turns out the relationship went south starting a month after the final rose when Jake became emotionally and physically detached from Vienna before “emotional abuse” and anger issues surfaced. I can see that. I don’t think any Bachelor viewer would be surprised to hear that Jake is a little bit crazy on the inside. If he was afraid that Vienna’s magazine interview made him look bad (which is why his panties are in a pinch), he certainly didn’t make anything better with this interview. Vienna’s anguish was so believable I honestly felt horrible for her and am solidly on Team Vienna.
See you on the hometown dates!
Beth
Ali pouted her way through one more rose ceremony and Ty was sent home with an achy breaky heart.
Ali made her decision about Ty last week when she uncovered that he doesn’t know girls can be good at math and science. This week Ali was a major party pooper and didn’t leave me with much to write about other than that Portugal looks really pretty and I might put it on my travel wish list.
Ali had a one-on-one date with Roberto. They ran around Lisbon kissing and taking silly pictures and then danced in the street together. Basically they had a “Hey, Portugal. Look at us. We’re annoying Americans!” date. But to Ali it was a “fairytale” and Roberto promised Ali a lifetime of moments like that one if she keeps him around. If she doesn’t want those moments (but I think she does), I’ll take ‘em!
Next came a two-on-one date with Frank and Ty. And surprise, surprise, they went on another helicopter ride. After the ride the group climbed up to an old castle where they had dinner while Ali was in a ridiculous funk. She had some time with Ty, where she quizzed him again about the traditional gender roles he seems to expect in a relationship. Warming! Warning!
Ty reminds me of a guy I never met on E-Harmony. It’s true…fours years ago I signed up for about 32 minutes. The way this dating sites works is, based on a ridiculously thorough questionnaire, E-Harmony tells you who you’re compatible with and then you read your potential suitor’s profile. After jumping through some hoops you email back and forth until you decide if you want to meet in real life. Well, I never made it past the “read their profile” stage. Like Ali, I consider myself to be independent and career-minded and God-willing, if I ever get to be a mommy, I expect I’ll keep working. So, when E-Harmony recommended a fella’ like Ty who was looking for a woman to take care of who would stay home and do sweet things like put love notes in his lunch box (dead serious…love notes in the lunch box), they lost complete credibility with me and I didn’t give my Ty a rose either.
Next Ali had some special time with Frank where, in preparation for next week’s hometown dates, he told her that he lives with his parents. He’s 30 if you were wondering. But when he got teary over the situation he won some XOXO’s before they sat in a tree making out.
The next day Ali took Kirk around Lisbon in a horse-drawn carriage to a palace and it was Kirk who felt he was in the fairytale. While Ali was all about her date with Roberto, she was a little black rain cloud with Kirk, which made him worry and rightfully so. I just don’t see this relationship lasting past the hometown dates, especially after Kirk’s dad introduces Ali to all of the Bambis displayed on his basement walls.
On Chris L’s date Ali admitted that she sees him as more of a friend and that the relationship is progressing slowly. Bummer. Ali, I thought you wanted to laugh with someone for the rest of your life. If so, Chris L is your man! Roberto may be hot, but he hasn’t made a single joke all season while Chris L keeps you in stitches! Maybe the relationship isn’t progressing physically because all Ali asks Chris about is his dead mother and making out after those discussions just doesn’t seem appropriate. But Chris L won some bonus points by giving Ali a present that he’d been hanging onto, a silver bracelet that a family friend made. I waaaaant one…a bracelet…and a Chris.
So that was the show. Not to exciting, eh?
But wait. There’s more!
Jake and Vienna, who broke up last week, joined Chris Harrison for an interview so they could make boobs of themselves. I’m going to keep it brief, but you really need to watch it and Jake needs to look up the definition of “undermine”.
Jake came across as an asexual and cold-hearted jerk face who was more upset about Vienna selling her story to a magazine than the actual breakup. Turns out the relationship went south starting a month after the final rose when Jake became emotionally and physically detached from Vienna before “emotional abuse” and anger issues surfaced. I can see that. I don’t think any Bachelor viewer would be surprised to hear that Jake is a little bit crazy on the inside. If he was afraid that Vienna’s magazine interview made him look bad (which is why his panties are in a pinch), he certainly didn’t make anything better with this interview. Vienna’s anguish was so believable I honestly felt horrible for her and am solidly on Team Vienna.
See you on the hometown dates!
Beth
Friday, July 2, 2010
The Bachelorette Week 5: Breaking Hearts and Breaking Necks
This week on the Bachelorette…
Ali broke Craig’s heart and nearly broke Justin’s neck in Istanbul.
After updating the audience on her quest for love, Ali commented that she has never felt better and that she feels that “nothing can go wrong at this point.” Then came a knock, knock, knock on the door and in walked a serious-looking Chris Harrison, pretending he didn’t have this next dramatic twist planned all season. He had something very important and “legit” to tell Ali. But to add to the drama, he wouldn’t spill the beans. Instead, he called Jessie, the Canadian make-up artist with a passion for Covergirl’s “Lime Alive” eye shadow, who vied for Jake’s heart last season.
The phone rang for an eternity, despite the fact that Jessie was sitting next to the phone in her Toronto living room with an ABC camera crew just waiting for the call. Ali nervously took the phone and tried to be cheerful as she began her conversation with Jessie. Jessie told Ali that one of the guys on the show has a girlfriend and that guy is…(dramatic pause)…Justin. Ali asked Jessie how she knew. Turns out that the girlfriend, Jessica, was sitting next to Jessie. Because all Canadians know each other? Jessie handed the phone to Jessica who told Ali her sad story about how she and Justin were in cahoots to use ABC / Ali to get Justin (well, “Rated R”) some publicity. She cried and Ali actually felt badly for the girl who tried to throw a wrench in the most important journey of her life. It was only when Jessica found out that Justin had yet another girlfriend that she decided to blow the whistle on him. She told Ali she was “sooory” and Ali thanked her for the information.
Ali discussed what to do with Chris Harrisson who said that he “just found out and came straight to tell (Ali).” Well, after he took the time to get Jessie and Jessica together in Toronto with a camera crew, but after that he ran right over!
Understandably, Ali was fit to be tied and marched down to the boys’ room to confront Justin. Chris Harrison egged Ali on as they walked to Justin’s room (“Stay strong and let him have it.” Make me some good TV.). Ali, who continues to be quick on her feet, pretended that she stopped by to thank the guys for being so understanding during this process. Then she threw a zinger at Justin. “It’s been a difficult road getting here so far. Ya know, Justin, it’s especially difficult for you because you probably really miss your girlfriend in Canada.” Take that! Justin, surprised, had no response and just walked out of the room, leaving a couple f-bombs in his wake.
Justin grabbed his man purse and took to the stairs to get away. However, given his clunky walking cast, Ali was easily able to get downstairs and cut him off outside of the hotel. Cornered and denied entrance into the nearest restaurant, he had no choice but to…walk through the hotel gardens and fountains to get away? Ali sat back and watched the bizarre getaway attempt and surprisingly, Justin eventually came hobbling back to explain. Justin explained that over the course of the show he became less and less interested in Ali and more interested in his old flame, Jessica. That made Ali feel really good about herself. Ali then asked Justin about his second girlfriend, wondering how he could hurt Jessica, “…this girl (he) ‘supposebly’ cares about.” Again with the “supposebly.” Pretty soon she’ll order a “samwich” and plan a date at a “punkin” patch and I’ll lose it. Anyway, Ali owned the conversation with Justin and after a good lip lashing, Justin walked away again. As we watched him clip clomp down the street we listened to phone messages Justin left for Jessica during filming that Jessica then sold to ABC. Smart girl.
Once that elimination decision was made for her, Ali could move along to her planned dates.
A date card arrived for Ty saying, “Let’s get steamy” and poor Craig was left as the only man not to receive a 1:1 date. To add insult to injury, Frank later received a second one-on-one date, leaving Craig grasping for straws…or oiled men. More on that later.
Ty and Ali spent their date at a market in Istanbul, walking hand-in-hand, until they made their way to the Turkish baths. They visited a male-only bath house in Instanbul where they rubbed each other down and took their relationship to “the next level.” It was hot and steamy and Ty started planning their Turkish honeymoon right then and there. After cleaning up they had a lovely, romantic dinner together but ran into a nearly disastrous road block when Ali started probing about Ty’s divorce. It turns out that a significant issue in his marriage was that he struggled with the fact that his wife worked. I’m not sure how he expected to keep food on the table as a dime-a-dozen Nashville aspiring country singer, but the fact that women can have careers was a recent revelation for Ty. Garsh, did you know there are even female CEOs? Ali’s Magic 8 Ball eyes made a reappearance and Ty quickly pulled his foot out of his mouth, explaining to Ali how much he has grown / changed since then. In the end, while concerned about the “traditional” marriage Ty is looking for, Ali gave him a rose and the two danced the night away on the streets of Istanbul.
Back at the hotel, the rest of the guys talked about…I don’t know…I couldn’t get past Craig’s bandana, basketball shorts and baby green (really, like “don’t know if it’s a boy or girl baby shower” green) striped v-neck Gap t-shirt, circa 1994.
The group date with Craig, Kirk, Roberto and Chris came next and Ali introduced the guys to a Turkish pastime…olive oil wrestling. Ali announced that the guys were going to wrestle four professional Turkish olive oil wrestlers. The goal is to get your opponent’s back to hit the ground first. So, the guys got greased up (with Ali’s help) and never had a chance with the professionals. But then Ali turned the guys on each other and they duked it out for a little one-on-one time with Ali. This game was clearly designed for Roberto (a stud muffin baseball player) to win. But unfortunately for Ali, where there’s a will, there’s a way and Craig’s will to have his first one-on-one time with Ali gave him the super-human strength he needed to defeat Roberto. Ali whisked Craig away on a boat ride while looking back longingly at Roberto. While this date wasn’t as awkward as Ali’s time with Chris N last week (“Uhhh…I like Mexican food.”), this boat ride was pretty darn awkward. Ali sat there, stiff as a board with hands folded in her lap, while Craig had his arm around her. There was little conversation and it didn’t get much better over dessert. ABC pulled out all the stops (again, intended for Roberto) and even had a fireworks show that evening…but there weren’t any between Craig and Ali! While Craig thinks there’s never an awkward moment with Ali and that they are always into each other, he is clearly solidly within the friend zone. Craig is funny, smart and nice. But in a show with olive oil wrestling and ridiculous bods, he didn’t stand a chance.
Frank, who said there’s no more romantic way to fall in love than to travel around the world (with a bunch of other dudes who are kissing your girl?), headed out for his second one-on-one date of the season, looking to rekindle that romance he once shared with Ali. The date began with a walk through the spice market where they bought an economy sized spice with an aphrodisiac in it in the hopes that their chemistry would return. They had a fabulous time together. They went rug shopping and Ali tried on “I Dream of Jeanie” outfits. Frank liked that. Then they were off to an underground cistern that I likened to the Phantom of the Opera’s lair. They waded through the water (creepy since it was dark) and dined on a platform in the middle of the water. They talked about some serious stuff, but my friends and I lost focus when Lindsey said, “Thumb ring.” And, in unison, the rest of us said, “Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah.” It’s a shame ‘cause Frank was so cute.
Ali broke the Bachelorette tradition the next night by announcing that there wouldn’t be a cocktail hour this week. She was so certain of her elimination decision and lack of desire to spend more awkward time with Craig that she just plowed ahead. She sent Craig home and then he kindly thanked her for the wonderful experience and told her what a great gal she is. And how did she respond? By saying, “Yeah, the romance just wasn’t there between us.” Yikes! Just say, “Thanks for playing.” Don’t tell the poor guy that you weren’t attracted to him! Geesh!
On to previews…they look pretty dramatic! Things get physical in Tahiti, Frank breaks Ali’s heart and Jake and Vienna make their first appearance since their “shocking’ breakup.
And do not despair fake drama fans. We are nearing the end of Ali’s journey, but we have much to look forward to after she hands out her final rose. After that magical day we will be introduced to a new show entitled, “The Bachelor Pad”…a cross between “The Bachelor” and “Big Brother”. The show will include contestants from past Bachelor / Bachelorette seasons and the best part is that some of my favorite crazies will be there! Remember Crazy Michelle? Like Ca-Ray-Z Michelle from Jake’s season, who made Jake kiss her and he looked like he was in physical pain? She’ll be there. So will Elizabeth, the girl who played games and refused to kiss Jake. He nixed her because she’s a nut, but she went home certain he was just upset that he wasn’t able to kiss her. We will also be reunited the girl from Jason’s season who thinks she’s really interesting, but when asked to share something about herself told us, “I like bears. All kinds of bears.” Some of our favorite villains will be there too, including Wes (Jillian’s country crooner) and Craig M (Ali’s creepy Canadian). Best cast member? The Weatherman! Yay, yay, yay!!!! I just can’t believe he’s signing up for more embarrassing moments. Can’t wait!
Until next week,
Beth
Ali broke Craig’s heart and nearly broke Justin’s neck in Istanbul.
After updating the audience on her quest for love, Ali commented that she has never felt better and that she feels that “nothing can go wrong at this point.” Then came a knock, knock, knock on the door and in walked a serious-looking Chris Harrison, pretending he didn’t have this next dramatic twist planned all season. He had something very important and “legit” to tell Ali. But to add to the drama, he wouldn’t spill the beans. Instead, he called Jessie, the Canadian make-up artist with a passion for Covergirl’s “Lime Alive” eye shadow, who vied for Jake’s heart last season.
The phone rang for an eternity, despite the fact that Jessie was sitting next to the phone in her Toronto living room with an ABC camera crew just waiting for the call. Ali nervously took the phone and tried to be cheerful as she began her conversation with Jessie. Jessie told Ali that one of the guys on the show has a girlfriend and that guy is…(dramatic pause)…Justin. Ali asked Jessie how she knew. Turns out that the girlfriend, Jessica, was sitting next to Jessie. Because all Canadians know each other? Jessie handed the phone to Jessica who told Ali her sad story about how she and Justin were in cahoots to use ABC / Ali to get Justin (well, “Rated R”) some publicity. She cried and Ali actually felt badly for the girl who tried to throw a wrench in the most important journey of her life. It was only when Jessica found out that Justin had yet another girlfriend that she decided to blow the whistle on him. She told Ali she was “sooory” and Ali thanked her for the information.
Ali discussed what to do with Chris Harrisson who said that he “just found out and came straight to tell (Ali).” Well, after he took the time to get Jessie and Jessica together in Toronto with a camera crew, but after that he ran right over!
Understandably, Ali was fit to be tied and marched down to the boys’ room to confront Justin. Chris Harrison egged Ali on as they walked to Justin’s room (“Stay strong and let him have it.” Make me some good TV.). Ali, who continues to be quick on her feet, pretended that she stopped by to thank the guys for being so understanding during this process. Then she threw a zinger at Justin. “It’s been a difficult road getting here so far. Ya know, Justin, it’s especially difficult for you because you probably really miss your girlfriend in Canada.” Take that! Justin, surprised, had no response and just walked out of the room, leaving a couple f-bombs in his wake.
Justin grabbed his man purse and took to the stairs to get away. However, given his clunky walking cast, Ali was easily able to get downstairs and cut him off outside of the hotel. Cornered and denied entrance into the nearest restaurant, he had no choice but to…walk through the hotel gardens and fountains to get away? Ali sat back and watched the bizarre getaway attempt and surprisingly, Justin eventually came hobbling back to explain. Justin explained that over the course of the show he became less and less interested in Ali and more interested in his old flame, Jessica. That made Ali feel really good about herself. Ali then asked Justin about his second girlfriend, wondering how he could hurt Jessica, “…this girl (he) ‘supposebly’ cares about.” Again with the “supposebly.” Pretty soon she’ll order a “samwich” and plan a date at a “punkin” patch and I’ll lose it. Anyway, Ali owned the conversation with Justin and after a good lip lashing, Justin walked away again. As we watched him clip clomp down the street we listened to phone messages Justin left for Jessica during filming that Jessica then sold to ABC. Smart girl.
Once that elimination decision was made for her, Ali could move along to her planned dates.
A date card arrived for Ty saying, “Let’s get steamy” and poor Craig was left as the only man not to receive a 1:1 date. To add insult to injury, Frank later received a second one-on-one date, leaving Craig grasping for straws…or oiled men. More on that later.
Ty and Ali spent their date at a market in Istanbul, walking hand-in-hand, until they made their way to the Turkish baths. They visited a male-only bath house in Instanbul where they rubbed each other down and took their relationship to “the next level.” It was hot and steamy and Ty started planning their Turkish honeymoon right then and there. After cleaning up they had a lovely, romantic dinner together but ran into a nearly disastrous road block when Ali started probing about Ty’s divorce. It turns out that a significant issue in his marriage was that he struggled with the fact that his wife worked. I’m not sure how he expected to keep food on the table as a dime-a-dozen Nashville aspiring country singer, but the fact that women can have careers was a recent revelation for Ty. Garsh, did you know there are even female CEOs? Ali’s Magic 8 Ball eyes made a reappearance and Ty quickly pulled his foot out of his mouth, explaining to Ali how much he has grown / changed since then. In the end, while concerned about the “traditional” marriage Ty is looking for, Ali gave him a rose and the two danced the night away on the streets of Istanbul.
Back at the hotel, the rest of the guys talked about…I don’t know…I couldn’t get past Craig’s bandana, basketball shorts and baby green (really, like “don’t know if it’s a boy or girl baby shower” green) striped v-neck Gap t-shirt, circa 1994.
The group date with Craig, Kirk, Roberto and Chris came next and Ali introduced the guys to a Turkish pastime…olive oil wrestling. Ali announced that the guys were going to wrestle four professional Turkish olive oil wrestlers. The goal is to get your opponent’s back to hit the ground first. So, the guys got greased up (with Ali’s help) and never had a chance with the professionals. But then Ali turned the guys on each other and they duked it out for a little one-on-one time with Ali. This game was clearly designed for Roberto (a stud muffin baseball player) to win. But unfortunately for Ali, where there’s a will, there’s a way and Craig’s will to have his first one-on-one time with Ali gave him the super-human strength he needed to defeat Roberto. Ali whisked Craig away on a boat ride while looking back longingly at Roberto. While this date wasn’t as awkward as Ali’s time with Chris N last week (“Uhhh…I like Mexican food.”), this boat ride was pretty darn awkward. Ali sat there, stiff as a board with hands folded in her lap, while Craig had his arm around her. There was little conversation and it didn’t get much better over dessert. ABC pulled out all the stops (again, intended for Roberto) and even had a fireworks show that evening…but there weren’t any between Craig and Ali! While Craig thinks there’s never an awkward moment with Ali and that they are always into each other, he is clearly solidly within the friend zone. Craig is funny, smart and nice. But in a show with olive oil wrestling and ridiculous bods, he didn’t stand a chance.
Frank, who said there’s no more romantic way to fall in love than to travel around the world (with a bunch of other dudes who are kissing your girl?), headed out for his second one-on-one date of the season, looking to rekindle that romance he once shared with Ali. The date began with a walk through the spice market where they bought an economy sized spice with an aphrodisiac in it in the hopes that their chemistry would return. They had a fabulous time together. They went rug shopping and Ali tried on “I Dream of Jeanie” outfits. Frank liked that. Then they were off to an underground cistern that I likened to the Phantom of the Opera’s lair. They waded through the water (creepy since it was dark) and dined on a platform in the middle of the water. They talked about some serious stuff, but my friends and I lost focus when Lindsey said, “Thumb ring.” And, in unison, the rest of us said, “Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah.” It’s a shame ‘cause Frank was so cute.
Ali broke the Bachelorette tradition the next night by announcing that there wouldn’t be a cocktail hour this week. She was so certain of her elimination decision and lack of desire to spend more awkward time with Craig that she just plowed ahead. She sent Craig home and then he kindly thanked her for the wonderful experience and told her what a great gal she is. And how did she respond? By saying, “Yeah, the romance just wasn’t there between us.” Yikes! Just say, “Thanks for playing.” Don’t tell the poor guy that you weren’t attracted to him! Geesh!
On to previews…they look pretty dramatic! Things get physical in Tahiti, Frank breaks Ali’s heart and Jake and Vienna make their first appearance since their “shocking’ breakup.
And do not despair fake drama fans. We are nearing the end of Ali’s journey, but we have much to look forward to after she hands out her final rose. After that magical day we will be introduced to a new show entitled, “The Bachelor Pad”…a cross between “The Bachelor” and “Big Brother”. The show will include contestants from past Bachelor / Bachelorette seasons and the best part is that some of my favorite crazies will be there! Remember Crazy Michelle? Like Ca-Ray-Z Michelle from Jake’s season, who made Jake kiss her and he looked like he was in physical pain? She’ll be there. So will Elizabeth, the girl who played games and refused to kiss Jake. He nixed her because she’s a nut, but she went home certain he was just upset that he wasn’t able to kiss her. We will also be reunited the girl from Jason’s season who thinks she’s really interesting, but when asked to share something about herself told us, “I like bears. All kinds of bears.” Some of our favorite villains will be there too, including Wes (Jillian’s country crooner) and Craig M (Ali’s creepy Canadian). Best cast member? The Weatherman! Yay, yay, yay!!!! I just can’t believe he’s signing up for more embarrassing moments. Can’t wait!
Until next week,
Beth
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Bachelorette Week 4: Hot & Cold
This week on the Bachelorette…
Kasey left hoping that his future wife wants her heart guarded and protected and we said farewell to that one guy who no one ever noticed.
Ali and the fella’s headed to Iceland where we kicked things off with a little poetry contest. The guys had an hour to pen a love poem and then recite it to Ali…some funny, some sweet, some painful to watch. But it was Kirk who did the best job at wooing Ali with the poem. She chose him for a one-on-one date but I don’t think it would have mattered what Kirk’s poem sounded like. More one-on-one time = more making out time. I would have made the same decision.
While on their date, we learned the truth about Kirk. I was excited to find out what would the drama be. Has he already been married three times? Does he have five illegitimate children? Was he born female? Well, turns out that in college he got very, very sick. The story was sad…he was an athlete one day and all of a sudden was worried about making it through the next night alive. Fortunately, he pulled through. But unfortunately, the story was a little random and Ali’s reaction could have gone either way. Would she get grossed out and send Kirk packing? Nope. His hotness survived the near-death story and Ali responded with a kiss. And another. And another.
While Kirk and Ali were playing kissy face, the rest of the guys were learning who would be on the group date and who would be stuck on the dreaded two-on-one date. They didn’t say my favorite poem this season. “Two men. One rose. One stays. One goes.” But, that’s the way it worked and it was Justin and Koo Koo Kasey who drew the short straws.
While Kasey pondered when the best moment would be to show Ali his tattoo (which he got “to be someone…to be a man…to be a man for Ali…to be a man for that woman.”) the rest of the guys went horseback riding in big, puffy, blue Pillsbury Dough Boy outfits. As they saddled up, Ali announced that she “likes to go fast.” The guys liked that. The horses, which really looked like My Little Ponies, dropped the group off at an ice cave, which they explored for some time. I want to be the Bachelorette just so I can do these ridiculously cool things…and kiss boys who look like Kirk. After their ice tour they headed to a hot spring, where things heated up when Ali used Jillian’s underwater leg wraparound technique with both Ty and Chris L while Frank went bonkers with jealousy. I don’t think Frank, who had been a party pooper all day, has much to be jealous about with either guy (Chris L is fab-u-lous, but I don’t see the right chemistry). So, Ali pulled Frank aside and asked him to knock it off. After coaxing Frank to communicate that he’s interested in her in some way, they played a little tonsil hockey and all was right with the Bachelorette world.
Meanwhile, Justin was talking “smack” about his upcoming two-on-one date with Kasey. He said he was going to “bring it” and it all started with getting his cast off (he’s been hobbling around on crutches due to a broken ankle). The cast removal was pretty dramatic…for a whole bunch’a nothin’. He’s still hobbling around in a walking cast and is slower than he was on crutches…and the whole just doesn’t really matter. Somehow he must think the cast removal had something to do with his staying. It didn’t. Ali clearly didn’t want to give either one of the guys a rose. Justin just simply had to be less weird than Kasey to get it.
Upon meeting Justin and Kasey for their date, Ali took the guys in a helicopter (again with the helicopters!) to see the Icelandic volcano erupting. They viewed it as an exciting once-in-a-lifetime experience…and it was. It’s nice that they got to giggle with delight whereas Icelandic farmers would soon find their property covered in ashy muck, animals would soon start sucking down ash, the airline industry would lose billions and worst of all, I would almost be unable to go on my European vacation. But good for them.
After the helicopter ride the threesome made their way to a romantic ice cave. Unfortunately for Ali, she had no interest in being romantic with either Justin or Kasey. After some lame conversation with Justin, it was Kasey’s turn. Ali told the camera that, “The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal” in order to get the rose. Unfortunately, he couldn’t muster up enough normal to make it through the date and whipped out that tattoo at the wrong time. Well, any time would have been the wrong time, but he decided to show her right when she was reinforcing to him how she needed him to take a chill pill. Ali must have taken a “How to Deal with Crazies” class, because she handled the big reveal beautifully. Wide-eyed she just listened to him explain how he’s going to guard and protect someone’s heart someday and he is who he is and his heart is genuine…blah, blah, blah. She didn’t say much but finally said, “Your mom’s gonna’ kill you!” She continued by saying that she doesn’t want Kasey to change and that the tattoo is a special reminder (Kasey chimes in) “to never change.” She thanked him for being him…because it sure makes her decision easier. A miserable Ali, slouching with the weight of a bad date on her shoulders, gave the rose to Justin and then skillfully said goodbye to Kasey in a very supportive, “please don’t stalk me later,” way.
Poor Kasey, who was certain he was going to marry Ali, was left alone on the glacier as the helicopter flew away. This was very remi
niscent of when Bachelor Andy Baldwin and future winner Tessa took off in a copter leaving their third wheel behind. Oh Andy and Tessa. I thought they were going to make it. I met them at the Louisville Ironman where I had been volunteering and, upon finding out that Andy was competing, quickly abandoned my post and kept an eye on his progress throughout the day. By the way, it wasn’t just for TV…that guy is a ridiculous athlete. He smoked the professionals! Alas, like most Bachelor relationships, Tessa and Andy’s love didn’t stand the test of time. But don’t worry, Chris Harrison, my love for this show sure will.
On to the rose ceremony where Frank did a great job at stepping it up and we heard Chris N’s voice for the first time. How he made it this far, no one knows. His one-on-one time with Ali was easily the most awkward conversation in Bachelor / Bachelorette history. When asked to share something that Ali would never know about him he responded with, “I would just say that, and this is from past relationships, like, my long-term girlfriend. She’s like, ‘Oh my gosh. You’re so…funny. Ya know.’” Huh? ‘Cause usually, the way it works is, if you’re funny, people know. Because, well, that’s kinda’ the point of being funny. Ali agrees with me and said, “Well, tell me about the fun, silly side of you. What is your guilty pleasure?” To which he responded, “That’s a good question. I love Mexican food. I dunno.” Crickets. Gosh. That is fun and silly. Then he gave her the most awkward hug ever and her jaw couldn’t have been clenched any harder. As a girl who also wears her feelings on her sleeve, I just love Ali’s facial expressions when she’s trying to be polite but can’t believe what she’s hearing / experiencing. I really think she and I could be great friends. Poor Chris N made his way to the limo, surprised he didn’t get a rose considering how “natural” their one-on-one time felt.
Looking ahead, the next stop on the Tour de Ali is Istanbul, Turkey, which Ali heard is “supposebly” phenomenal.
In other Bachelor / Bachelorette news: Two Steppin’ Jake and Vienna have called it quits! Jake says he broke up with Vienna, who was allegedly getting cozy with some guy from “Greek.” Also, Jake says that Vienna wasn’t looking for work and was jealous that he was the one picked for “Dancing with the Stars.” The best part? He’s asking for the ring he gave to Vienna back. Ummm, Jakie Poo? ABC bought that. And really, Jake, what did you expect from a Hooter’s Girl? He knew what he was getting into and I actually feel sorry for Vienna. Never fall for a reality TV personality from Texas. I did and a year later I was left two-steppin’ all alone…one-steppin’? Oh, darn that southern charm! He had me at “howdy.” I love my Mr. Personality...creepy mask and all.
Depending on when filming takes/took place, some of my Bachelorette pals and I are holding out hope that Jake might make an appearance this season. Wouldn’t it be great if he tries to win Ali back? After he told her it was too late and she couldn’t come back after she left the show? Let’s hope the producers have time to write that in.
Until next week,
Beth
Kasey left hoping that his future wife wants her heart guarded and protected and we said farewell to that one guy who no one ever noticed.
Ali and the fella’s headed to Iceland where we kicked things off with a little poetry contest. The guys had an hour to pen a love poem and then recite it to Ali…some funny, some sweet, some painful to watch. But it was Kirk who did the best job at wooing Ali with the poem. She chose him for a one-on-one date but I don’t think it would have mattered what Kirk’s poem sounded like. More one-on-one time = more making out time. I would have made the same decision.
While on their date, we learned the truth about Kirk. I was excited to find out what would the drama be. Has he already been married three times? Does he have five illegitimate children? Was he born female? Well, turns out that in college he got very, very sick. The story was sad…he was an athlete one day and all of a sudden was worried about making it through the next night alive. Fortunately, he pulled through. But unfortunately, the story was a little random and Ali’s reaction could have gone either way. Would she get grossed out and send Kirk packing? Nope. His hotness survived the near-death story and Ali responded with a kiss. And another. And another.
While Kirk and Ali were playing kissy face, the rest of the guys were learning who would be on the group date and who would be stuck on the dreaded two-on-one date. They didn’t say my favorite poem this season. “Two men. One rose. One stays. One goes.” But, that’s the way it worked and it was Justin and Koo Koo Kasey who drew the short straws.
While Kasey pondered when the best moment would be to show Ali his tattoo (which he got “to be someone…to be a man…to be a man for Ali…to be a man for that woman.”) the rest of the guys went horseback riding in big, puffy, blue Pillsbury Dough Boy outfits. As they saddled up, Ali announced that she “likes to go fast.” The guys liked that. The horses, which really looked like My Little Ponies, dropped the group off at an ice cave, which they explored for some time. I want to be the Bachelorette just so I can do these ridiculously cool things…and kiss boys who look like Kirk. After their ice tour they headed to a hot spring, where things heated up when Ali used Jillian’s underwater leg wraparound technique with both Ty and Chris L while Frank went bonkers with jealousy. I don’t think Frank, who had been a party pooper all day, has much to be jealous about with either guy (Chris L is fab-u-lous, but I don’t see the right chemistry). So, Ali pulled Frank aside and asked him to knock it off. After coaxing Frank to communicate that he’s interested in her in some way, they played a little tonsil hockey and all was right with the Bachelorette world.
Meanwhile, Justin was talking “smack” about his upcoming two-on-one date with Kasey. He said he was going to “bring it” and it all started with getting his cast off (he’s been hobbling around on crutches due to a broken ankle). The cast removal was pretty dramatic…for a whole bunch’a nothin’. He’s still hobbling around in a walking cast and is slower than he was on crutches…and the whole just doesn’t really matter. Somehow he must think the cast removal had something to do with his staying. It didn’t. Ali clearly didn’t want to give either one of the guys a rose. Justin just simply had to be less weird than Kasey to get it.
Upon meeting Justin and Kasey for their date, Ali took the guys in a helicopter (again with the helicopters!) to see the Icelandic volcano erupting. They viewed it as an exciting once-in-a-lifetime experience…and it was. It’s nice that they got to giggle with delight whereas Icelandic farmers would soon find their property covered in ashy muck, animals would soon start sucking down ash, the airline industry would lose billions and worst of all, I would almost be unable to go on my European vacation. But good for them.
After the helicopter ride the threesome made their way to a romantic ice cave. Unfortunately for Ali, she had no interest in being romantic with either Justin or Kasey. After some lame conversation with Justin, it was Kasey’s turn. Ali told the camera that, “The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal” in order to get the rose. Unfortunately, he couldn’t muster up enough normal to make it through the date and whipped out that tattoo at the wrong time. Well, any time would have been the wrong time, but he decided to show her right when she was reinforcing to him how she needed him to take a chill pill. Ali must have taken a “How to Deal with Crazies” class, because she handled the big reveal beautifully. Wide-eyed she just listened to him explain how he’s going to guard and protect someone’s heart someday and he is who he is and his heart is genuine…blah, blah, blah. She didn’t say much but finally said, “Your mom’s gonna’ kill you!” She continued by saying that she doesn’t want Kasey to change and that the tattoo is a special reminder (Kasey chimes in) “to never change.” She thanked him for being him…because it sure makes her decision easier. A miserable Ali, slouching with the weight of a bad date on her shoulders, gave the rose to Justin and then skillfully said goodbye to Kasey in a very supportive, “please don’t stalk me later,” way.
Poor Kasey, who was certain he was going to marry Ali, was left alone on the glacier as the helicopter flew away. This was very remi
niscent of when Bachelor Andy Baldwin and future winner Tessa took off in a copter leaving their third wheel behind. Oh Andy and Tessa. I thought they were going to make it. I met them at the Louisville Ironman where I had been volunteering and, upon finding out that Andy was competing, quickly abandoned my post and kept an eye on his progress throughout the day. By the way, it wasn’t just for TV…that guy is a ridiculous athlete. He smoked the professionals! Alas, like most Bachelor relationships, Tessa and Andy’s love didn’t stand the test of time. But don’t worry, Chris Harrison, my love for this show sure will.On to the rose ceremony where Frank did a great job at stepping it up and we heard Chris N’s voice for the first time. How he made it this far, no one knows. His one-on-one time with Ali was easily the most awkward conversation in Bachelor / Bachelorette history. When asked to share something that Ali would never know about him he responded with, “I would just say that, and this is from past relationships, like, my long-term girlfriend. She’s like, ‘Oh my gosh. You’re so…funny. Ya know.’” Huh? ‘Cause usually, the way it works is, if you’re funny, people know. Because, well, that’s kinda’ the point of being funny. Ali agrees with me and said, “Well, tell me about the fun, silly side of you. What is your guilty pleasure?” To which he responded, “That’s a good question. I love Mexican food. I dunno.” Crickets. Gosh. That is fun and silly. Then he gave her the most awkward hug ever and her jaw couldn’t have been clenched any harder. As a girl who also wears her feelings on her sleeve, I just love Ali’s facial expressions when she’s trying to be polite but can’t believe what she’s hearing / experiencing. I really think she and I could be great friends. Poor Chris N made his way to the limo, surprised he didn’t get a rose considering how “natural” their one-on-one time felt.
Looking ahead, the next stop on the Tour de Ali is Istanbul, Turkey, which Ali heard is “supposebly” phenomenal.
In other Bachelor / Bachelorette news: Two Steppin’ Jake and Vienna have called it quits! Jake says he broke up with Vienna, who was allegedly getting cozy with some guy from “Greek.” Also, Jake says that Vienna wasn’t looking for work and was jealous that he was the one picked for “Dancing with the Stars.” The best part? He’s asking for the ring he gave to Vienna back. Ummm, Jakie Poo? ABC bought that. And really, Jake, what did you expect from a Hooter’s Girl? He knew what he was getting into and I actually feel sorry for Vienna. Never fall for a reality TV personality from Texas. I did and a year later I was left two-steppin’ all alone…one-steppin’? Oh, darn that southern charm! He had me at “howdy.” I love my Mr. Personality...creepy mask and all.
Depending on when filming takes/took place, some of my Bachelorette pals and I are holding out hope that Jake might make an appearance this season. Wouldn’t it be great if he tries to win Ali back? After he told her it was too late and she couldn’t come back after she left the show? Let’s hope the producers have time to write that in.
Until next week,
Beth
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Bachelorette Week 3: From Broadway to Run Away!
This week on the Bachelorette…
Chris Harrison announced that the bachelors will be traveling around the world to fall in love with Ali. I fell into the campsite chair in my half empty house. Actually, the built-in cup holder is the perfect place for a remote control. I may never get a sofa.
The tour de Ali began with a trip to New York City, where Ali got some pampering from In Style Magazine and the guys checked into their fancy suite.
Koo Koo Kasey won the first one-one-one date of the day. Ali and her fake fear of flying were “so thrilled” to go in a helicopter. But this ride was a little different than the one she had with Roberto last week. With Roberto by her side, Ali played up the fear of flying as he held her telling her everything would be ok. Well, with Kasey she leaned up against the glass window of the helicopter, just hoping it would bust open. Kasey didn’t notice…he is certain that Ali is a “beautiful butterfly ready for love”, and then busted out in song. And I quote…
“When I was flying in the helicopter over this amazing city, I looked to my life and never saw something so pretty. At the end of toonniiiight I’m not just your average Joe, but I hope in my hindsight I see and find a rose.” Ali: Crickets. Kasey: “Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.” Beth: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. "
The “Night at the Museum” date continued as they flirted and ran through the museum of natural history. Well, maybe Ali was running away from Kasey. I couldn’t tell, but Kasey definitely sees a future with Ali. “Her and I are pretty much meant to be together.” No, Kasey, it’s “she and I” and no, I’m pretty certain you are not meant to be together. I was even more certain by the end of the episode (stay tuned). When asked why he thinks the two are a good fit, Kasey responded with: “You’re all that I ever wanted because you make me happy.” Deep. Then he told her, “I choose you. I hope that someday you can choose me.” Don’t hold your breath, Kasey.
Just then, creepy background music came on singing “I choooooooose you." I was so startled I had to rewind and made Tracy (my new roommate and Bachelorette viewing buddy) listen to it. It wasn’t there the second time we watched and I got “Night at the Museum” creeped out until I realized that the creepy singing had come from Tracy. Oh well, it was kinda’ fun to be freaked out for a second.
Again, Ali asked Kasey, “How do you know that someone’s right for you?” Kasey, who has told Ali no fewer than five times that he is there to “guard and protect (her) heart” responded with, “If they want to guard and protect my heart for me too.” Then once again he broke out in song. “The night that I first saw you, I was staring through that glass, and I knew at that moment, that you and I would last. On the beach in California, you made me start to believe, and now in NYC and it’s just you and me. And tonight you’ve got a rose, and I don’t want to feel its thorns, and if you choose me Ali I’ll forever be yours.” He’s really gifted. Too bad Ali didn’t think so. She said nothing and finally asked him to stop with the songs because they don’t sound “genuine”. What she wanted to say is, “You’re a weirdo. I'm so glad the camera men are here to protect me.”
As a result of the songs, Ali did not give Kasey a rose. But she didn’t ask him to leave either. She asked him to be normal and try again later. He was really hurt and unfortunately walked away with the wrong impression…that he needed to step it up and prove to Ali just how serious he is about her.
Next up was a group date to visit the set of the Lion King on Broadway. And so begins my crazy jealousy. The director of the Lion King held an audition for the guys. In matching spandex shorts and v-neck t-shirts, they tried to learn a dance routine and then sang “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”. They thought they were just going to win a date with Ali, but there was actually a short stint on Broadway (and an intimate moment with Ali) on the line. While Jesse was clearly the best vocal talent, it was Roberto who won. Clearly, Ali had a hand in this. The couple then went to learn their routine for that evening’s performance of the Lion King while the other guys watched.
Cruel and unusual punishment ensued while the guys had to watch Ali and Roberto, clad in spandex, perform a routine while hanging on wires from the ceiling. The boys were jealous of Roberto and I was longing for my Broadway career that didn’t come to be. While most of the guys stewed, Kirk proved to be a good guy by toasting to Ali and Roberto after the show. Good move because Ali invited Kirk to walk her to her room and tuck her in. I am officially moving to Green Bay, Wisconsin to find Kirk.
Chris L. had the next one-on-one date and unfortunately, Ali was sick. But she invited him to her room and he came over with flowers and soup. Chris’s great sense of humor and chicken noodle soup made Ali all better. Thank goodness because she almost missed taking Chris to a private rooftop Joshua Radin performance. Ali, let’s talk priorities. You think you’re Joshua’s biggest fan? Paaaa-lease. That's my job. If I had no arms, no legs and was on my deathbed, I would still find a way to roll myself to that performance.
While Ali and Chris were bonding, the desperate guys had some time to do some crazy stuff. Kasey who was taken aback when Ali said that the singing and protecting of hearts didn’t sound genuine thought, “Gee what would be reaaaaally sincere and not at all creepy? I think I’ll go get a tattoo and prove to her how serious I am about her.” So, Kasey went to a tattoo parlor and had a shield and a rose (probably the size of a deck of cards) tattooed on his wrist. I wonder what his future wife is going to think about that. Well, upon sharing the news with the other guys in the house, they were all seemingly quite supportive, but secretly delighted as Kasey would be sure to be nixed as soon as Ali finds out.
In the end, despite having penned and performed a song for Ali that evening, the Weatherman was sent home along with Jesse, the sweet guy who had never owned a suit before this show. And Koo Koo Kasey squeaked by as he didn’t have time to show Ali his tat.
Next week…Iceland! Happy viewing!
Beth
Chris Harrison announced that the bachelors will be traveling around the world to fall in love with Ali. I fell into the campsite chair in my half empty house. Actually, the built-in cup holder is the perfect place for a remote control. I may never get a sofa.
The tour de Ali began with a trip to New York City, where Ali got some pampering from In Style Magazine and the guys checked into their fancy suite.
Koo Koo Kasey won the first one-one-one date of the day. Ali and her fake fear of flying were “so thrilled” to go in a helicopter. But this ride was a little different than the one she had with Roberto last week. With Roberto by her side, Ali played up the fear of flying as he held her telling her everything would be ok. Well, with Kasey she leaned up against the glass window of the helicopter, just hoping it would bust open. Kasey didn’t notice…he is certain that Ali is a “beautiful butterfly ready for love”, and then busted out in song. And I quote…
“When I was flying in the helicopter over this amazing city, I looked to my life and never saw something so pretty. At the end of toonniiiight I’m not just your average Joe, but I hope in my hindsight I see and find a rose.” Ali: Crickets. Kasey: “Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.” Beth: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. "
The “Night at the Museum” date continued as they flirted and ran through the museum of natural history. Well, maybe Ali was running away from Kasey. I couldn’t tell, but Kasey definitely sees a future with Ali. “Her and I are pretty much meant to be together.” No, Kasey, it’s “she and I” and no, I’m pretty certain you are not meant to be together. I was even more certain by the end of the episode (stay tuned). When asked why he thinks the two are a good fit, Kasey responded with: “You’re all that I ever wanted because you make me happy.” Deep. Then he told her, “I choose you. I hope that someday you can choose me.” Don’t hold your breath, Kasey.
Just then, creepy background music came on singing “I choooooooose you." I was so startled I had to rewind and made Tracy (my new roommate and Bachelorette viewing buddy) listen to it. It wasn’t there the second time we watched and I got “Night at the Museum” creeped out until I realized that the creepy singing had come from Tracy. Oh well, it was kinda’ fun to be freaked out for a second.
Again, Ali asked Kasey, “How do you know that someone’s right for you?” Kasey, who has told Ali no fewer than five times that he is there to “guard and protect (her) heart” responded with, “If they want to guard and protect my heart for me too.” Then once again he broke out in song. “The night that I first saw you, I was staring through that glass, and I knew at that moment, that you and I would last. On the beach in California, you made me start to believe, and now in NYC and it’s just you and me. And tonight you’ve got a rose, and I don’t want to feel its thorns, and if you choose me Ali I’ll forever be yours.” He’s really gifted. Too bad Ali didn’t think so. She said nothing and finally asked him to stop with the songs because they don’t sound “genuine”. What she wanted to say is, “You’re a weirdo. I'm so glad the camera men are here to protect me.”
As a result of the songs, Ali did not give Kasey a rose. But she didn’t ask him to leave either. She asked him to be normal and try again later. He was really hurt and unfortunately walked away with the wrong impression…that he needed to step it up and prove to Ali just how serious he is about her.
Next up was a group date to visit the set of the Lion King on Broadway. And so begins my crazy jealousy. The director of the Lion King held an audition for the guys. In matching spandex shorts and v-neck t-shirts, they tried to learn a dance routine and then sang “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”. They thought they were just going to win a date with Ali, but there was actually a short stint on Broadway (and an intimate moment with Ali) on the line. While Jesse was clearly the best vocal talent, it was Roberto who won. Clearly, Ali had a hand in this. The couple then went to learn their routine for that evening’s performance of the Lion King while the other guys watched.
Cruel and unusual punishment ensued while the guys had to watch Ali and Roberto, clad in spandex, perform a routine while hanging on wires from the ceiling. The boys were jealous of Roberto and I was longing for my Broadway career that didn’t come to be. While most of the guys stewed, Kirk proved to be a good guy by toasting to Ali and Roberto after the show. Good move because Ali invited Kirk to walk her to her room and tuck her in. I am officially moving to Green Bay, Wisconsin to find Kirk.
Chris L. had the next one-on-one date and unfortunately, Ali was sick. But she invited him to her room and he came over with flowers and soup. Chris’s great sense of humor and chicken noodle soup made Ali all better. Thank goodness because she almost missed taking Chris to a private rooftop Joshua Radin performance. Ali, let’s talk priorities. You think you’re Joshua’s biggest fan? Paaaa-lease. That's my job. If I had no arms, no legs and was on my deathbed, I would still find a way to roll myself to that performance.
While Ali and Chris were bonding, the desperate guys had some time to do some crazy stuff. Kasey who was taken aback when Ali said that the singing and protecting of hearts didn’t sound genuine thought, “Gee what would be reaaaaally sincere and not at all creepy? I think I’ll go get a tattoo and prove to her how serious I am about her.” So, Kasey went to a tattoo parlor and had a shield and a rose (probably the size of a deck of cards) tattooed on his wrist. I wonder what his future wife is going to think about that. Well, upon sharing the news with the other guys in the house, they were all seemingly quite supportive, but secretly delighted as Kasey would be sure to be nixed as soon as Ali finds out.
In the end, despite having penned and performed a song for Ali that evening, the Weatherman was sent home along with Jesse, the sweet guy who had never owned a suit before this show. And Koo Koo Kasey squeaked by as he didn’t have time to show Ali his tat.
Next week…Iceland! Happy viewing!
Beth
Bachelorette Week 2: Rounding the Bases
This week on the Bachelorette…
Ali made it to first base (at least!) with quite a few of our bachelors…
First up to bat? Roberto. Roberto and Ali kicked off the episode with a one-on-one date. And the transportation to get there? A helicopter. Uh huh…Ali, when Jake tortured you by taking you in an airplane to help you get over your fear of flying, I felt sorry for you. Now that two of your 1:1 dates (which YOU planned) have involved flying (a plane with Jesse and now a helicopter with Roberto), I’m onto you. You are so full of bologna…very clever bologna. And I’m sure you were laughing inside as Roberto held you because you were sooooo scared.
Anyway, this was the standard “girl proves that she is adventurous” date as Ali and Roberto tight-rope walked from building to building 20 stories in the air. I must say, I was impressed. My knees got a little weak just watching the footage and Ali seemed to pull it off without breaking a sweat. Again, she’s soooo afraid of flying but tightrope walking 20 stories high is no issue? There, high above LA, while standing on the high rope, Ali and Roberto shared their first kiss. Upon reaching solid rooftop, the two popped a bottle of champagne and shared quite a few more.
Back on the homefront, a handful of boys got a date card from Ali reading, “Come rock my world.” They headed out that day and came upon a private concert by a certain Canadian band whose name I’m not sure I can write on a work computer. Said Canadian dirty-named band (BNL) happened to be my favorite band from the 6th grade through high school and my first (and second, third, fourth and fifth) concert. So right then, I wanted to be Ali. I would have been willing to wear converse allstars and dance awkwardly with her to be there.
From there the boys prepared to film scenes for BNL’s newest music video with Ali. Many of the scenes involved playing kissy face with Ali. While a normal guy would be excited to receive a script instructing them to “kiss Ali passionately,” just like last week when faced with the Speedo, Weatherman wet himself. While other guys successfully filmed their scenes, Weatherman agonized over kissing Ali for the first time and actually tried to back out of it. Just before filming Weatherman pulled Ali aside to say, “Hey if you feel uncomfortable at all, you don’t have to do this.” Who does that? She looked at him like he was a total dweeb and said it’s ok. Take 1: Weatherman is so uncomfortable that he doesn’t even attempt to kiss Ali. So she pecks him. It was “all wrong” according to Ali. Take 2: After some teasing from the peanut gallery (who all saw Ali just throw up in her mouth), Weatherman tries again. Take 2: So awkward that they didn’t even show it on television! They cut away right as Jonathan went to kiss or not kiss Ali. The peanut gallery laughed and the Weatherman whined to stop embarrassing him and then started to cry! Like, I need to wipe my eyes cry! And I needed to wipe my eyes from laughing so hard. At that, Ali decided to save the day. She took a pepto to hold back the yack and passionately kissed Jonathan out of pity. Jonathan’s reaction? And I quote: “When Ali kissed me, just sort of like (snaps his fingers) a rocket ship it blew up emotionally. It was great. It was a good connection. And I was like, whoa, that has to be real”. Poor delusional Weatherman.
I think Chris L put it best when he said, “Today was a big day of firsts for the Weatherman. First kiss with Ali. First kiss in a music video. First kiss…ever.”
After that, many scenes moved forward with kisses. But one scene…Kirk’s scene, which was totally PG-13 and involved rolling around, seemed like a little more than acting. The director even had to say cut three times before they stopped. I wasn’t the only one to see the steam rise from the bed. Frank (last week’s front runner) saw it, too, and lamented over the connection that Ali and Kirk developed over the last few minutes. Ali and Kirk have never actually spoken to each other, but apparently, they both speak the language of love. Kirk’s rockin’ bod didn’t hurt either.
At the “wrap party” Chris L told Ali about his mom’s passing in a very appropriate way, at which point creepy, dorky Weatherman pulled Ali aside with the intent to tell her about the emotion behind that amazing kiss. He started by explaining that he was nervous. When Ali could tell that the conversation was going to get really creepy really fast, she did what any girl who’s ever been pursued by a dork would do…she cut him off, jibber jabbered, didn’t let him get a word in, and passed off their kiss as nothing before he had the chance to speak. And just when Weatherman whispered in her ear, “Hey wanna’ go somewhere and have a real first kiss,” Craig stepped in to save Ali and left Weatherman feeling that they made a real step forward with their “connection”. Craig’s subsequent one-on-one time hit the cutting room floor because Kirk’s time was much steamier as he became the first guy to kiss Ali in a hot tub and won the rose of the evening, too!
The next day our potentially ill-intentioned rebel, “Rated R” Justin, hobbled on his crutches (an entertainment wrestling accident) down the road to visit Ali at her house. ABC made it seem like he was walking for hours in the desert heat. Literally, they included vulture sound effects for added drama. Ali seemed to like the surprise, especially when Justin showed her some baby pictures and cuddle time ensued. Personally, I was sold on his cute Canadian accent. Unfortunately for Justin, his housemates still don’t trust him. And when cornered by them again, Justin became the second guy to cry in one episode.
Hunter, who busted out a ukulele and a song he wrote for Ali on night one, was next for a one-on-one date. Hunter got a lame “stay at home with Ali” date where they cooked six burgers and six hotdogs. Huh? After dinner the two had the most awkward hot tub time in the history of the Bachelorette. Ali couldn’t get outta’ there any faster and didn’t even let Hunter make a s’more before sending him packing…only wishing for s’more.
At the following night’s rose ceremony Ali got rid of a couple nice guys who never got any air time. In their place she kept the Weatherman, and left me utterly confused. For the sake of the Weatherman’s career, I was really hoping he would get kicked off so he’d stop embarrassing himself. But for my sake? I’m really glad he stayed. His tears got major laughs out of me and I’m looking forward to what he does next week. Oh please let him get a one-on-one date. He’ll lose it!
Taking a look ahead at the rest of the season…I’m about to get insane
ly jealous. As many of you know, I believe that my true calling in life is the stage…and that I’m meant to marry Joshua Radin. What does Ali get? She gets to perform in the Lion King AND gets a private Joshua Radin concert. Well, Ali…I’ve met Joshua 5 times and have been stalking him for 4 years…so there! So he’s never remembered me…details, details. It’s a matter of time…just gotta’ walk that fine line between cute fan and a restraining order.
Here’s to the steamiest season ever.
Beth
Ali made it to first base (at least!) with quite a few of our bachelors…
First up to bat? Roberto. Roberto and Ali kicked off the episode with a one-on-one date. And the transportation to get there? A helicopter. Uh huh…Ali, when Jake tortured you by taking you in an airplane to help you get over your fear of flying, I felt sorry for you. Now that two of your 1:1 dates (which YOU planned) have involved flying (a plane with Jesse and now a helicopter with Roberto), I’m onto you. You are so full of bologna…very clever bologna. And I’m sure you were laughing inside as Roberto held you because you were sooooo scared.
Anyway, this was the standard “girl proves that she is adventurous” date as Ali and Roberto tight-rope walked from building to building 20 stories in the air. I must say, I was impressed. My knees got a little weak just watching the footage and Ali seemed to pull it off without breaking a sweat. Again, she’s soooo afraid of flying but tightrope walking 20 stories high is no issue? There, high above LA, while standing on the high rope, Ali and Roberto shared their first kiss. Upon reaching solid rooftop, the two popped a bottle of champagne and shared quite a few more.
Back on the homefront, a handful of boys got a date card from Ali reading, “Come rock my world.” They headed out that day and came upon a private concert by a certain Canadian band whose name I’m not sure I can write on a work computer. Said Canadian dirty-named band (BNL) happened to be my favorite band from the 6th grade through high school and my first (and second, third, fourth and fifth) concert. So right then, I wanted to be Ali. I would have been willing to wear converse allstars and dance awkwardly with her to be there.
From there the boys prepared to film scenes for BNL’s newest music video with Ali. Many of the scenes involved playing kissy face with Ali. While a normal guy would be excited to receive a script instructing them to “kiss Ali passionately,” just like last week when faced with the Speedo, Weatherman wet himself. While other guys successfully filmed their scenes, Weatherman agonized over kissing Ali for the first time and actually tried to back out of it. Just before filming Weatherman pulled Ali aside to say, “Hey if you feel uncomfortable at all, you don’t have to do this.” Who does that? She looked at him like he was a total dweeb and said it’s ok. Take 1: Weatherman is so uncomfortable that he doesn’t even attempt to kiss Ali. So she pecks him. It was “all wrong” according to Ali. Take 2: After some teasing from the peanut gallery (who all saw Ali just throw up in her mouth), Weatherman tries again. Take 2: So awkward that they didn’t even show it on television! They cut away right as Jonathan went to kiss or not kiss Ali. The peanut gallery laughed and the Weatherman whined to stop embarrassing him and then started to cry! Like, I need to wipe my eyes cry! And I needed to wipe my eyes from laughing so hard. At that, Ali decided to save the day. She took a pepto to hold back the yack and passionately kissed Jonathan out of pity. Jonathan’s reaction? And I quote: “When Ali kissed me, just sort of like (snaps his fingers) a rocket ship it blew up emotionally. It was great. It was a good connection. And I was like, whoa, that has to be real”. Poor delusional Weatherman.
I think Chris L put it best when he said, “Today was a big day of firsts for the Weatherman. First kiss with Ali. First kiss in a music video. First kiss…ever.”
After that, many scenes moved forward with kisses. But one scene…Kirk’s scene, which was totally PG-13 and involved rolling around, seemed like a little more than acting. The director even had to say cut three times before they stopped. I wasn’t the only one to see the steam rise from the bed. Frank (last week’s front runner) saw it, too, and lamented over the connection that Ali and Kirk developed over the last few minutes. Ali and Kirk have never actually spoken to each other, but apparently, they both speak the language of love. Kirk’s rockin’ bod didn’t hurt either.
At the “wrap party” Chris L told Ali about his mom’s passing in a very appropriate way, at which point creepy, dorky Weatherman pulled Ali aside with the intent to tell her about the emotion behind that amazing kiss. He started by explaining that he was nervous. When Ali could tell that the conversation was going to get really creepy really fast, she did what any girl who’s ever been pursued by a dork would do…she cut him off, jibber jabbered, didn’t let him get a word in, and passed off their kiss as nothing before he had the chance to speak. And just when Weatherman whispered in her ear, “Hey wanna’ go somewhere and have a real first kiss,” Craig stepped in to save Ali and left Weatherman feeling that they made a real step forward with their “connection”. Craig’s subsequent one-on-one time hit the cutting room floor because Kirk’s time was much steamier as he became the first guy to kiss Ali in a hot tub and won the rose of the evening, too!
The next day our potentially ill-intentioned rebel, “Rated R” Justin, hobbled on his crutches (an entertainment wrestling accident) down the road to visit Ali at her house. ABC made it seem like he was walking for hours in the desert heat. Literally, they included vulture sound effects for added drama. Ali seemed to like the surprise, especially when Justin showed her some baby pictures and cuddle time ensued. Personally, I was sold on his cute Canadian accent. Unfortunately for Justin, his housemates still don’t trust him. And when cornered by them again, Justin became the second guy to cry in one episode.
Hunter, who busted out a ukulele and a song he wrote for Ali on night one, was next for a one-on-one date. Hunter got a lame “stay at home with Ali” date where they cooked six burgers and six hotdogs. Huh? After dinner the two had the most awkward hot tub time in the history of the Bachelorette. Ali couldn’t get outta’ there any faster and didn’t even let Hunter make a s’more before sending him packing…only wishing for s’more.
At the following night’s rose ceremony Ali got rid of a couple nice guys who never got any air time. In their place she kept the Weatherman, and left me utterly confused. For the sake of the Weatherman’s career, I was really hoping he would get kicked off so he’d stop embarrassing himself. But for my sake? I’m really glad he stayed. His tears got major laughs out of me and I’m looking forward to what he does next week. Oh please let him get a one-on-one date. He’ll lose it!
Taking a look ahead at the rest of the season…I’m about to get insane
ly jealous. As many of you know, I believe that my true calling in life is the stage…and that I’m meant to marry Joshua Radin. What does Ali get? She gets to perform in the Lion King AND gets a private Joshua Radin concert. Well, Ali…I’ve met Joshua 5 times and have been stalking him for 4 years…so there! So he’s never remembered me…details, details. It’s a matter of time…just gotta’ walk that fine line between cute fan and a restraining order.Here’s to the steamiest season ever.
Beth
Bachelorette Week 1: Giving Back & Giving Up
This week on the Bachelorette, where the alcohol flows freely…Ali and the boys “gave back” and I gave up on Ali finding true reality TV love.
First, Ali spent her first one-on-one date with Frank, a cute guy who is slightly too taken with Ali for week 1. The two spent a “silly” day together frolicking through Hollywood. I thought maybe a “connection” was developing, and my suspicions were confirmed when Ali busted out the first leg-wraparound of the season. Of course, it’s not a true connection until she uses the move underwater, but I’m sure we’ll get there by the end of week 2. And it was there, under the famous Hollywood sign, where Frank and Ali shared the first kiss of the season.
Next it was on to this week’s group date, where Ali greeted the boys while wearing pants and a bikini top. That’s kinda’ like wearing a short-sleeved wool sweater…which I’ve never understood. Anyway, Ali was super excited to do some amazing charity work with the guys. Ali’s definition of “giving back”? Frolicking on the beach in Malibu with a bunch of shirtless men at a photo shoot for a Bachelorette calendar. How is that charity? I asked myself the same thing…and think Ali needs to talk to Jillian, who will tell her all about her involvement with Big Brothers Big Sisters…over and over and over again. Anyway, back to Ali’s good deeds. You can buy your Bachelorette calendar for just $25 and a whopping $3 is donated to Global Green USA/the Oceanic Preservation Society! And if you buddy up with someone and buy two, you get free shipping! Actually, I recommend that you just donate $20, grab a beer or two with the extra $5 and save yourself the embarrassment of owning a Bachelorette calendar.
So, in preparation for all of their community service, the boys made their way to wardrobe, where they were fitted in itsy bitsy teenie weenie bikinis. While some guys were comfortable with their bodies and had no problem sporting their Speedos (including Steve who was teased for his inability to fill out his shorts), Jonathan (the “weatherman”) wet himself at the sight of the swimsuit bottoms he was expected to wear and told the nation about his insecurities over his own, um, er, uh, package (and I quote, “I don’t have like a huge…”). But given he needed to change out of his wet pants, he was forced to put on the suit. Ali was proud of him (“bless his little heart”) and thanks to some supportive words from his friends, he was comfortable in no time, doing the splits in the front of a group picture by the end of the photo shoot.
After a long day of doing “good things for people”…throwing back a couple beers, cuddling up to some rock-hard abs, being serenaded by Ty…Ali threw on a black dress with a zipper down the front (ick, icky, ick, ick) and took the guys out for some drinks where the they fought for that crucial “one-on-one time”.
When Jonathan (“weatherman”) got his special time with Ali, he told her how hot she looked and then won the first negative points of the season by warning Ali about Coo Coo Craig M. Ali’s eyes were as big as Magic 8 balls when she received the news. I hate to take a point away from Jonathan, as his warnings about Craig M were completely valid (“weatherman” has been the primary target of Craig M’s harassment), but still, I’ll never understand why the guys waste their time this way. The whistle-blower never wins the girl in the end.
Back at the house, another date box arrived with the message “Use these when the time is ‘right.’” My mind went somewhere in gutter-land…but it was cufflinks for Jesse.
Jesse and Ali jetted off to Vegas for a drive in a Ferrari and a private pool party. Jesse was the first person to have some aqua-fun with Ali…and then he picked her up and body slammed her face right into the pool. After the makeup artists covered up the bruises on her face, “Ali” (aka “ABC”) gifted Jesse with a new suit, the second he has ever owned (the first being the one be bought for the show), and then the two met for a fancy dinner. Finally, they had “VIP” access to “one of the hottest clubs in Vegas” and when I saw the empty bar and stage lights, I thought, oh geeze, here’s the surprise famous singer date. That is sooo three seasons ago. In the end, Jesse went back to the mansion with a kiss and a rose…oooh, the more I get of you the stranger it feels…yeaaaaah.
When all the dates were said and done, a few guys were left Ali-less for the week. Among them was Roberto, who is so far in the lead that he didn’t need it. Ali is ridiculously “fascinated” with every stupid thing he says and can’t stop giggling and blushing around him. I can’t stop rolling my eyes.
But while it’s Robert who Ali has the real 7th grade crush on, it’s Frank who keeps making it to first base. Having already secured a rose, Frank created some jealously among the other guys (who said they were going to throw up) when he and Ali were caught playing tonsil hockey. Previous seasons have proved that an easy way to upset the Bachelors is to steal one-on-one time when you’re already “safe”.
Before the night was over, Weatherman had one more opportunity to woo Ali. So, once again he decided to warn her about Craig M, telling that camera that if Craig gets a rose, then he will know for sure that there is no god. I can’t disagree. In the end, the Weatherman succeeded, Ali confronted Craig M and when he had nothing to say to her other than “uhhh, ahhh, urrrr,” she nixed him. She also nixed Tyler V and Chris H. Neither guy got any air time. Unfortunately, Chris H was my top pick, solely because he’s really pretty. But, at least he’s still single. Melissa…he’s from Vancouver…think you could set me up?
In the end, while my gut says true love isn’t in Ali’s future this season, I expect a significant amount of drama. Based on the previews, we can expect a some serious hanky panky, an emotionally disturbed bachelor, and a bachelor with a girlfriend. I’m lookin’ forward to it and I hope you are too!
Beth
First, Ali spent her first one-on-one date with Frank, a cute guy who is slightly too taken with Ali for week 1. The two spent a “silly” day together frolicking through Hollywood. I thought maybe a “connection” was developing, and my suspicions were confirmed when Ali busted out the first leg-wraparound of the season. Of course, it’s not a true connection until she uses the move underwater, but I’m sure we’ll get there by the end of week 2. And it was there, under the famous Hollywood sign, where Frank and Ali shared the first kiss of the season.
Next it was on to this week’s group date, where Ali greeted the boys while wearing pants and a bikini top. That’s kinda’ like wearing a short-sleeved wool sweater…which I’ve never understood. Anyway, Ali was super excited to do some amazing charity work with the guys. Ali’s definition of “giving back”? Frolicking on the beach in Malibu with a bunch of shirtless men at a photo shoot for a Bachelorette calendar. How is that charity? I asked myself the same thing…and think Ali needs to talk to Jillian, who will tell her all about her involvement with Big Brothers Big Sisters…over and over and over again. Anyway, back to Ali’s good deeds. You can buy your Bachelorette calendar for just $25 and a whopping $3 is donated to Global Green USA/the Oceanic Preservation Society! And if you buddy up with someone and buy two, you get free shipping! Actually, I recommend that you just donate $20, grab a beer or two with the extra $5 and save yourself the embarrassment of owning a Bachelorette calendar.
So, in preparation for all of their community service, the boys made their way to wardrobe, where they were fitted in itsy bitsy teenie weenie bikinis. While some guys were comfortable with their bodies and had no problem sporting their Speedos (including Steve who was teased for his inability to fill out his shorts), Jonathan (the “weatherman”) wet himself at the sight of the swimsuit bottoms he was expected to wear and told the nation about his insecurities over his own, um, er, uh, package (and I quote, “I don’t have like a huge…”). But given he needed to change out of his wet pants, he was forced to put on the suit. Ali was proud of him (“bless his little heart”) and thanks to some supportive words from his friends, he was comfortable in no time, doing the splits in the front of a group picture by the end of the photo shoot.
After a long day of doing “good things for people”…throwing back a couple beers, cuddling up to some rock-hard abs, being serenaded by Ty…Ali threw on a black dress with a zipper down the front (ick, icky, ick, ick) and took the guys out for some drinks where the they fought for that crucial “one-on-one time”.
When Jonathan (“weatherman”) got his special time with Ali, he told her how hot she looked and then won the first negative points of the season by warning Ali about Coo Coo Craig M. Ali’s eyes were as big as Magic 8 balls when she received the news. I hate to take a point away from Jonathan, as his warnings about Craig M were completely valid (“weatherman” has been the primary target of Craig M’s harassment), but still, I’ll never understand why the guys waste their time this way. The whistle-blower never wins the girl in the end.
Back at the house, another date box arrived with the message “Use these when the time is ‘right.’” My mind went somewhere in gutter-land…but it was cufflinks for Jesse.
Jesse and Ali jetted off to Vegas for a drive in a Ferrari and a private pool party. Jesse was the first person to have some aqua-fun with Ali…and then he picked her up and body slammed her face right into the pool. After the makeup artists covered up the bruises on her face, “Ali” (aka “ABC”) gifted Jesse with a new suit, the second he has ever owned (the first being the one be bought for the show), and then the two met for a fancy dinner. Finally, they had “VIP” access to “one of the hottest clubs in Vegas” and when I saw the empty bar and stage lights, I thought, oh geeze, here’s the surprise famous singer date. That is sooo three seasons ago. In the end, Jesse went back to the mansion with a kiss and a rose…oooh, the more I get of you the stranger it feels…yeaaaaah.
When all the dates were said and done, a few guys were left Ali-less for the week. Among them was Roberto, who is so far in the lead that he didn’t need it. Ali is ridiculously “fascinated” with every stupid thing he says and can’t stop giggling and blushing around him. I can’t stop rolling my eyes.
But while it’s Robert who Ali has the real 7th grade crush on, it’s Frank who keeps making it to first base. Having already secured a rose, Frank created some jealously among the other guys (who said they were going to throw up) when he and Ali were caught playing tonsil hockey. Previous seasons have proved that an easy way to upset the Bachelors is to steal one-on-one time when you’re already “safe”.
Before the night was over, Weatherman had one more opportunity to woo Ali. So, once again he decided to warn her about Craig M, telling that camera that if Craig gets a rose, then he will know for sure that there is no god. I can’t disagree. In the end, the Weatherman succeeded, Ali confronted Craig M and when he had nothing to say to her other than “uhhh, ahhh, urrrr,” she nixed him. She also nixed Tyler V and Chris H. Neither guy got any air time. Unfortunately, Chris H was my top pick, solely because he’s really pretty. But, at least he’s still single. Melissa…he’s from Vancouver…think you could set me up?
In the end, while my gut says true love isn’t in Ali’s future this season, I expect a significant amount of drama. Based on the previews, we can expect a some serious hanky panky, an emotionally disturbed bachelor, and a bachelor with a girlfriend. I’m lookin’ forward to it and I hope you are too!
Beth
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)