Bachelorette Week 4: Hot & Cold

This week on the Bachelorette…

Kasey left hoping that his future wife wants her heart guarded and protected and we said farewell to that one guy who no one ever noticed.

Ali and the fella’s headed to Iceland where we kicked things off with a little poetry contest. The guys had an hour to pen a love poem and then recite it to Ali…some funny, some sweet, some painful to watch. But it was Kirk who did the best job at wooing Ali with the poem. She chose him for a one-on-one date but I don’t think it would have mattered what Kirk’s poem sounded like. More one-on-one time = more making out time. I would have made the same decision.

While on their date, we learned the truth about Kirk. I was excited to find out what would the drama be. Has he already been married three times? Does he have five illegitimate children? Was he born female? Well, turns out that in college he got very, very sick. The story was sad…he was an athlete one day and all of a sudden was worried about making it through the next night alive. Fortunately, he pulled through. But unfortunately, the story was a little random and Ali’s reaction could have gone either way. Would she get grossed out and send Kirk packing? Nope. His hotness survived the near-death story and Ali responded with a kiss. And another. And another.

While Kirk and Ali were playing kissy face, the rest of the guys were learning who would be on the group date and who would be stuck on the dreaded two-on-one date. They didn’t say my favorite poem this season. “Two men. One rose. One stays. One goes.” But, that’s the way it worked and it was Justin and Koo Koo Kasey who drew the short straws.

While Kasey pondered when the best moment would be to show Ali his tattoo (which he got “to be someone…to be a man…to be a man for Ali…to be a man for that woman.”) the rest of the guys went horseback riding in big, puffy, blue Pillsbury Dough Boy outfits. As they saddled up, Ali announced that she “likes to go fast.” The guys liked that. The horses, which really looked like My Little Ponies, dropped the group off at an ice cave, which they explored for some time. I want to be the Bachelorette just so I can do these ridiculously cool things…and kiss boys who look like Kirk. After their ice tour they headed to a hot spring, where things heated up when Ali used Jillian’s underwater leg wraparound technique with both Ty and Chris L while Frank went bonkers with jealousy. I don’t think Frank, who had been a party pooper all day, has much to be jealous about with either guy (Chris L is fab-u-lous, but I don’t see the right chemistry). So, Ali pulled Frank aside and asked him to knock it off. After coaxing Frank to communicate that he’s interested in her in some way, they played a little tonsil hockey and all was right with the Bachelorette world.

Meanwhile, Justin was talking “smack” about his upcoming two-on-one date with Kasey. He said he was going to “bring it” and it all started with getting his cast off (he’s been hobbling around on crutches due to a broken ankle). The cast removal was pretty dramatic…for a whole bunch’a nothin’. He’s still hobbling around in a walking cast and is slower than he was on crutches…and the whole just doesn’t really matter. Somehow he must think the cast removal had something to do with his staying. It didn’t. Ali clearly didn’t want to give either one of the guys a rose. Justin just simply had to be less weird than Kasey to get it.

Upon meeting Justin and Kasey for their date, Ali took the guys in a helicopter (again with the helicopters!) to see the Icelandic volcano erupting. They viewed it as an exciting once-in-a-lifetime experience…and it was. It’s nice that they got to giggle with delight whereas Icelandic farmers would soon find their property covered in ashy muck, animals would soon start sucking down ash, the airline industry would lose billions and worst of all, I would almost be unable to go on my European vacation. But good for them.

After the helicopter ride the threesome made their way to a romantic ice cave. Unfortunately for Ali, she had no interest in being romantic with either Justin or Kasey. After some lame conversation with Justin, it was Kasey’s turn. Ali told the camera that, “The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal” in order to get the rose. Unfortunately, he couldn’t muster up enough normal to make it through the date and whipped out that tattoo at the wrong time. Well, any time would have been the wrong time, but he decided to show her right when she was reinforcing to him how she needed him to take a chill pill. Ali must have taken a “How to Deal with Crazies” class, because she handled the big reveal beautifully. Wide-eyed she just listened to him explain how he’s going to guard and protect someone’s heart someday and he is who he is and his heart is genuine…blah, blah, blah. She didn’t say much but finally said, “Your mom’s gonna’ kill you!” She continued by saying that she doesn’t want Kasey to change and that the tattoo is a special reminder (Kasey chimes in) “to never change.” She thanked him for being him…because it sure makes her decision easier. A miserable Ali, slouching with the weight of a bad date on her shoulders, gave the rose to Justin and then skillfully said goodbye to Kasey in a very supportive, “please don’t stalk me later,” way.

Poor Kasey, who was certain he was going to marry Ali, was left alone on the glacier as the helicopter flew away. This was very reminiscent of when Bachelor Andy Baldwin and future winner Tessa took off in a copter leaving their third wheel behind. Oh Andy and Tessa. I thought they were going to make it. I met them at the Louisville Ironman where I had been volunteering and, upon finding out that Andy was competing, quickly abandoned my post and kept an eye on his progress throughout the day. By the way, it wasn’t just for TV…that guy is a ridiculous athlete. He smoked the professionals! Alas, like most Bachelor relationships, Tessa and Andy’s love didn’t stand the test of time. But don’t worry, Chris Harrison, my love for this show sure will.

On to the rose ceremony where Frank did a great job at stepping it up and we heard Chris N’s voice for the first time. How he made it this far, no one knows. His one-on-one time with Ali was easily the most awkward conversation in Bachelor / Bachelorette history. When asked to share something that Ali would never know about him he responded with, “I would just say that, and this is from past relationships, like, my long-term girlfriend. She’s like, ‘Oh my gosh. You’re so…funny. Ya know.’” Huh? ‘Cause usually, the way it works is, if you’re funny, people know. Because, well, that’s kinda’ the point of being funny. Ali agrees with me and said, “Well, tell me about the fun, silly side of you. What is your guilty pleasure?” To which he responded, “That’s a good question. I love Mexican food. I dunno.” Crickets. Gosh. That is fun and silly. Then he gave her the most awkward hug ever and her jaw couldn’t have been clenched any harder. As a girl who also wears her feelings on her sleeve, I just love Ali’s facial expressions when she’s trying to be polite but can’t believe what she’s hearing / experiencing. I really think she and I could be great friends. Poor Chris N made his way to the limo, surprised he didn’t get a rose considering how “natural” their one-on-one time felt.

Looking ahead, the next stop on the Tour de Ali is Istanbul, Turkey, which Ali heard is “supposebly” phenomenal.

In other Bachelor / Bachelorette news: Two Steppin’ Jake and Vienna have called it quits! Jake says he broke up with Vienna, who was allegedly getting cozy with some guy from “Greek.” Also, Jake says that Vienna wasn’t looking for work and was jealous that he was the one picked for “Dancing with the Stars.” The best part? He’s asking for the ring he gave to Vienna back. Ummm, Jakie Poo? ABC bought that. And really, Jake, what did you expect from a Hooter’s Girl? He knew what he was getting into and I actually feel sorry for Vienna. Never fall for a reality TV personality from Texas. I did and a year later I was left two-steppin’ all alone…one-steppin’? Oh, darn that southern charm! He had me at “howdy.” I love my Mr. Personality...creepy mask and all.

Depending on when filming takes/took place, some of my Bachelorette pals and I are holding out hope that Jake might make an appearance this season. Wouldn’t it be great if he tries to win Ali back? After he told her it was too late and she couldn’t come back after she left the show? Let’s hope the producers have time to write that in.

Until next week,

Beth

Bachelorette Week 3: From Broadway to Run Away!

This week on the Bachelorette…

Chris Harrison announced that the bachelors will be traveling around the world to fall in love with Ali. I fell into the campsite chair in my half empty house. Actually, the built-in cup holder is the perfect place for a remote control. I may never get a sofa.

The tour de Ali began with a trip to New York City, where Ali got some pampering from In Style Magazine and the guys checked into their fancy suite.

Koo Koo Kasey won the first one-one-one date of the day. Ali and her fake fear of flying were “so thrilled” to go in a helicopter. But this ride was a little different than the one she had with Roberto last week. With Roberto by her side, Ali played up the fear of flying as he held her telling her everything would be ok. Well, with Kasey she leaned up against the glass window of the helicopter, just hoping it would bust open. Kasey didn’t notice…he is certain that Ali is a “beautiful butterfly ready for love”, and then busted out in song. And I quote…

“When I was flying in the helicopter over this amazing city, I looked to my life and never saw something so pretty. At the end of toonniiiight I’m not just your average Joe, but I hope in my hindsight I see and find a rose.” Ali: Crickets. Kasey: “Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.” Beth: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. "

The “Night at the Museum” date continued as they flirted and ran through the museum of natural history. Well, maybe Ali was running away from Kasey. I couldn’t tell, but Kasey definitely sees a future with Ali. “Her and I are pretty much meant to be together.” No, Kasey, it’s “she and I” and no, I’m pretty certain you are not meant to be together. I was even more certain by the end of the episode (stay tuned). When asked why he thinks the two are a good fit, Kasey responded with: “You’re all that I ever wanted because you make me happy.” Deep. Then he told her, “I choose you. I hope that someday you can choose me.” Don’t hold your breath, Kasey.

Just then, creepy background music came on singing “I choooooooose you." I was so startled I had to rewind and made Tracy (my new roommate and Bachelorette viewing buddy) listen to it. It wasn’t there the second time we watched and I got “Night at the Museum” creeped out until I realized that the creepy singing had come from Tracy. Oh well, it was kinda’ fun to be freaked out for a second.

Again, Ali asked Kasey, “How do you know that someone’s right for you?” Kasey, who has told Ali no fewer than five times that he is there to “guard and protect (her) heart” responded with, “If they want to guard and protect my heart for me too.” Then once again he broke out in song. “The night that I first saw you, I was staring through that glass, and I knew at that moment, that you and I would last. On the beach in California, you made me start to believe, and now in NYC and it’s just you and me. And tonight you’ve got a rose, and I don’t want to feel its thorns, and if you choose me Ali I’ll forever be yours.” He’s really gifted. Too bad Ali didn’t think so. She said nothing and finally asked him to stop with the songs because they don’t sound “genuine”. What she wanted to say is, “You’re a weirdo. I'm so glad the camera men are here to protect me.”

As a result of the songs, Ali did not give Kasey a rose. But she didn’t ask him to leave either. She asked him to be normal and try again later. He was really hurt and unfortunately walked away with the wrong impression…that he needed to step it up and prove to Ali just how serious he is about her.

Next up was a group date to visit the set of the Lion King on Broadway. And so begins my crazy jealousy. The director of the Lion King held an audition for the guys. In matching spandex shorts and v-neck t-shirts, they tried to learn a dance routine and then sang “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”. They thought they were just going to win a date with Ali, but there was actually a short stint on Broadway (and an intimate moment with Ali) on the line. While Jesse was clearly the best vocal talent, it was Roberto who won. Clearly, Ali had a hand in this. The couple then went to learn their routine for that evening’s performance of the Lion King while the other guys watched.

Cruel and unusual punishment ensued while the guys had to watch Ali and Roberto, clad in spandex, perform a routine while hanging on wires from the ceiling. The boys were jealous of Roberto and I was longing for my Broadway career that didn’t come to be. While most of the guys stewed, Kirk proved to be a good guy by toasting to Ali and Roberto after the show. Good move because Ali invited Kirk to walk her to her room and tuck her in. I am officially moving to Green Bay, Wisconsin to find Kirk.

Chris L. had the next one-on-one date and unfortunately, Ali was sick. But she invited him to her room and he came over with flowers and soup. Chris’s great sense of humor and chicken noodle soup made Ali all better. Thank goodness because she almost missed taking Chris to a private rooftop Joshua Radin performance. Ali, let’s talk priorities. You think you’re Joshua’s biggest fan? Paaaa-lease. That's my job. If I had no arms, no legs and was on my deathbed, I would still find a way to roll myself to that performance.

While Ali and Chris were bonding, the desperate guys had some time to do some crazy stuff. Kasey who was taken aback when Ali said that the singing and protecting of hearts didn’t sound genuine thought, “Gee what would be reaaaaally sincere and not at all creepy? I think I’ll go get a tattoo and prove to her how serious I am about her.” So, Kasey went to a tattoo parlor and had a shield and a rose (probably the size of a deck of cards) tattooed on his wrist. I wonder what his future wife is going to think about that. Well, upon sharing the news with the other guys in the house, they were all seemingly quite supportive, but secretly delighted as Kasey would be sure to be nixed as soon as Ali finds out.

In the end, despite having penned and performed a song for Ali that evening, the Weatherman was sent home along with Jesse, the sweet guy who had never owned a suit before this show. And Koo Koo Kasey squeaked by as he didn’t have time to show Ali his tat.

Next week…Iceland! Happy viewing!

Beth

Bachelorette Week 2: Rounding the Bases

This week on the Bachelorette…

Ali made it to first base (at least!) with quite a few of our bachelors…

First up to bat? Roberto. Roberto and Ali kicked off the episode with a one-on-one date. And the transportation to get there? A helicopter. Uh huh…Ali, when Jake tortured you by taking you in an airplane to help you get over your fear of flying, I felt sorry for you. Now that two of your 1:1 dates (which YOU planned) have involved flying (a plane with Jesse and now a helicopter with Roberto), I’m onto you. You are so full of bologna…very clever bologna. And I’m sure you were laughing inside as Roberto held you because you were sooooo scared.

Anyway, this was the standard “girl proves that she is adventurous” date as Ali and Roberto tight-rope walked from building to building 20 stories in the air. I must say, I was impressed. My knees got a little weak just watching the footage and Ali seemed to pull it off without breaking a sweat. Again, she’s soooo afraid of flying but tightrope walking 20 stories high is no issue? There, high above LA, while standing on the high rope, Ali and Roberto shared their first kiss. Upon reaching solid rooftop, the two popped a bottle of champagne and shared quite a few more.

Back on the homefront, a handful of boys got a date card from Ali reading, “Come rock my world.” They headed out that day and came upon a private concert by a certain Canadian band whose name I’m not sure I can write on a work computer. Said Canadian dirty-named band (BNL) happened to be my favorite band from the 6th grade through high school and my first (and second, third, fourth and fifth) concert. So right then, I wanted to be Ali. I would have been willing to wear converse allstars and dance awkwardly with her to be there.

From there the boys prepared to film scenes for BNL’s newest music video with Ali. Many of the scenes involved playing kissy face with Ali. While a normal guy would be excited to receive a script instructing them to “kiss Ali passionately,” just like last week when faced with the Speedo, Weatherman wet himself. While other guys successfully filmed their scenes, Weatherman agonized over kissing Ali for the first time and actually tried to back out of it. Just before filming Weatherman pulled Ali aside to say, “Hey if you feel uncomfortable at all, you don’t have to do this.” Who does that? She looked at him like he was a total dweeb and said it’s ok. Take 1: Weatherman is so uncomfortable that he doesn’t even attempt to kiss Ali. So she pecks him. It was “all wrong” according to Ali. Take 2: After some teasing from the peanut gallery (who all saw Ali just throw up in her mouth), Weatherman tries again. Take 2: So awkward that they didn’t even show it on television! They cut away right as Jonathan went to kiss or not kiss Ali. The peanut gallery laughed and the Weatherman whined to stop embarrassing him and then started to cry! Like, I need to wipe my eyes cry! And I needed to wipe my eyes from laughing so hard. At that, Ali decided to save the day. She took a pepto to hold back the yack and passionately kissed Jonathan out of pity. Jonathan’s reaction? And I quote: “When Ali kissed me, just sort of like (snaps his fingers) a rocket ship it blew up emotionally. It was great. It was a good connection. And I was like, whoa, that has to be real”. Poor delusional Weatherman.

I think Chris L put it best when he said, “Today was a big day of firsts for the Weatherman. First kiss with Ali. First kiss in a music video. First kiss…ever.”

After that, many scenes moved forward with kisses. But one scene…Kirk’s scene, which was totally PG-13 and involved rolling around, seemed like a little more than acting. The director even had to say cut three times before they stopped. I wasn’t the only one to see the steam rise from the bed. Frank (last week’s front runner) saw it, too, and lamented over the connection that Ali and Kirk developed over the last few minutes. Ali and Kirk have never actually spoken to each other, but apparently, they both speak the language of love. Kirk’s rockin’ bod didn’t hurt either.

At the “wrap party” Chris L told Ali about his mom’s passing in a very appropriate way, at which point creepy, dorky Weatherman pulled Ali aside with the intent to tell her about the emotion behind that amazing kiss. He started by explaining that he was nervous. When Ali could tell that the conversation was going to get really creepy really fast, she did what any girl who’s ever been pursued by a dork would do…she cut him off, jibber jabbered, didn’t let him get a word in, and passed off their kiss as nothing before he had the chance to speak. And just when Weatherman whispered in her ear, “Hey wanna’ go somewhere and have a real first kiss,” Craig stepped in to save Ali and left Weatherman feeling that they made a real step forward with their “connection”. Craig’s subsequent one-on-one time hit the cutting room floor because Kirk’s time was much steamier as he became the first guy to kiss Ali in a hot tub and won the rose of the evening, too!

The next day our potentially ill-intentioned rebel, “Rated R” Justin, hobbled on his crutches (an entertainment wrestling accident) down the road to visit Ali at her house. ABC made it seem like he was walking for hours in the desert heat. Literally, they included vulture sound effects for added drama. Ali seemed to like the surprise, especially when Justin showed her some baby pictures and cuddle time ensued. Personally, I was sold on his cute Canadian accent. Unfortunately for Justin, his housemates still don’t trust him. And when cornered by them again, Justin became the second guy to cry in one episode.

Hunter, who busted out a ukulele and a song he wrote for Ali on night one, was next for a one-on-one date. Hunter got a lame “stay at home with Ali” date where they cooked six burgers and six hotdogs. Huh? After dinner the two had the most awkward hot tub time in the history of the Bachelorette. Ali couldn’t get outta’ there any faster and didn’t even let Hunter make a s’more before sending him packing…only wishing for s’more.

At the following night’s rose ceremony Ali got rid of a couple nice guys who never got any air time. In their place she kept the Weatherman, and left me utterly confused. For the sake of the Weatherman’s career, I was really hoping he would get kicked off so he’d stop embarrassing himself. But for my sake? I’m really glad he stayed. His tears got major laughs out of me and I’m looking forward to what he does next week. Oh please let him get a one-on-one date. He’ll lose it!

Taking a look ahead at the rest of the season…I’m about to get insanely jealous. As many of you know, I believe that my true calling in life is the stage…and that I’m meant to marry Joshua Radin. What does Ali get? She gets to perform in the Lion King AND gets a private Joshua Radin concert. Well, Ali…I’ve met Joshua 5 times and have been stalking him for 4 years…so there! So he’s never remembered me…details, details. It’s a matter of time…just gotta’ walk that fine line between cute fan and a restraining order.

Here’s to the steamiest season ever.

Beth

Bachelorette Week 1: Giving Back & Giving Up

This week on the Bachelorette, where the alcohol flows freely…Ali and the boys “gave back” and I gave up on Ali finding true reality TV love.

First, Ali spent her first one-on-one date with Frank, a cute guy who is slightly too taken with Ali for week 1. The two spent a “silly” day together frolicking through Hollywood. I thought maybe a “connection” was developing, and my suspicions were confirmed when Ali busted out the first leg-wraparound of the season. Of course, it’s not a true connection until she uses the move underwater, but I’m sure we’ll get there by the end of week 2. And it was there, under the famous Hollywood sign, where Frank and Ali shared the first kiss of the season.

Next it was on to this week’s group date, where Ali greeted the boys while wearing pants and a bikini top. That’s kinda’ like wearing a short-sleeved wool sweater…which I’ve never understood. Anyway, Ali was super excited to do some amazing charity work with the guys. Ali’s definition of “giving back”? Frolicking on the beach in Malibu with a bunch of shirtless men at a photo shoot for a Bachelorette calendar. How is that charity? I asked myself the same thing…and think Ali needs to talk to Jillian, who will tell her all about her involvement with Big Brothers Big Sisters…over and over and over again. Anyway, back to Ali’s good deeds. You can buy your Bachelorette calendar for just $25 and a whopping $3 is donated to Global Green USA/the Oceanic Preservation Society! And if you buddy up with someone and buy two, you get free shipping! Actually, I recommend that you just donate $20, grab a beer or two with the extra $5 and save yourself the embarrassment of owning a Bachelorette calendar.

So, in preparation for all of their community service, the boys made their way to wardrobe, where they were fitted in itsy bitsy teenie weenie bikinis. While some guys were comfortable with their bodies and had no problem sporting their Speedos (including Steve who was teased for his inability to fill out his shorts), Jonathan (the “weatherman”) wet himself at the sight of the swimsuit bottoms he was expected to wear and told the nation about his insecurities over his own, um, er, uh, package (and I quote, “I don’t have like a huge…”). But given he needed to change out of his wet pants, he was forced to put on the suit. Ali was proud of him (“bless his little heart”) and thanks to some supportive words from his friends, he was comfortable in no time, doing the splits in the front of a group picture by the end of the photo shoot.

After a long day of doing “good things for people”…throwing back a couple beers, cuddling up to some rock-hard abs, being serenaded by Ty…Ali threw on a black dress with a zipper down the front (ick, icky, ick, ick) and took the guys out for some drinks where the they fought for that crucial “one-on-one time”.

When Jonathan (“weatherman”) got his special time with Ali, he told her how hot she looked and then won the first negative points of the season by warning Ali about Coo Coo Craig M. Ali’s eyes were as big as Magic 8 balls when she received the news. I hate to take a point away from Jonathan, as his warnings about Craig M were completely valid (“weatherman” has been the primary target of Craig M’s harassment), but still, I’ll never understand why the guys waste their time this way. The whistle-blower never wins the girl in the end.

Back at the house, another date box arrived with the message “Use these when the time is ‘right.’” My mind went somewhere in gutter-land…but it was cufflinks for Jesse.

Jesse and Ali jetted off to Vegas for a drive in a Ferrari and a private pool party. Jesse was the first person to have some aqua-fun with Ali…and then he picked her up and body slammed her face right into the pool. After the makeup artists covered up the bruises on her face, “Ali” (aka “ABC”) gifted Jesse with a new suit, the second he has ever owned (the first being the one be bought for the show), and then the two met for a fancy dinner. Finally, they had “VIP” access to “one of the hottest clubs in Vegas” and when I saw the empty bar and stage lights, I thought, oh geeze, here’s the surprise famous singer date. That is sooo three seasons ago. In the end, Jesse went back to the mansion with a kiss and a rose…oooh, the more I get of you the stranger it feels…yeaaaaah.

When all the dates were said and done, a few guys were left Ali-less for the week. Among them was Roberto, who is so far in the lead that he didn’t need it. Ali is ridiculously “fascinated” with every stupid thing he says and can’t stop giggling and blushing around him. I can’t stop rolling my eyes.

But while it’s Robert who Ali has the real 7th grade crush on, it’s Frank who keeps making it to first base. Having already secured a rose, Frank created some jealously among the other guys (who said they were going to throw up) when he and Ali were caught playing tonsil hockey. Previous seasons have proved that an easy way to upset the Bachelors is to steal one-on-one time when you’re already “safe”.

Before the night was over, Weatherman had one more opportunity to woo Ali. So, once again he decided to warn her about Craig M, telling that camera that if Craig gets a rose, then he will know for sure that there is no god. I can’t disagree. In the end, the Weatherman succeeded, Ali confronted Craig M and when he had nothing to say to her other than “uhhh, ahhh, urrrr,” she nixed him. She also nixed Tyler V and Chris H. Neither guy got any air time. Unfortunately, Chris H was my top pick, solely because he’s really pretty. But, at least he’s still single. Melissa…he’s from Vancouver…think you could set me up?

In the end, while my gut says true love isn’t in Ali’s future this season, I expect a significant amount of drama. Based on the previews, we can expect a some serious hanky panky, an emotionally disturbed bachelor, and a bachelor with a girlfriend. I’m lookin’ forward to it and I hope you are too!

Beth