Sorry for flaking last week. This is what happened on the hometown dates…
Ali and Roberto played a little baseball in Miami and, as usual, they didn’t talk about a whole lot, but had a serious physical connection. Then they went to visit Roberto’s parents, who are extremely proud of their son and seemed to be unsure of whether or not Ali was good enough for him. Dad was worried that Ali’s career aspirations would keep her from caring for his grandchildren. But after some salsa dancing in the living room I think she proved herself to be a catch.
Ali visited Chris L’s family, the best family in the history of the Bachelor / Bachelorette, in Cape Cod. First Ali and Chris took a rainy walk along the beach. Unfortunately, Chris didn’t inform Ali of the plan ahead of time and , sporting a pair of fancy leather, high-heeled boots, she tried to play it cool as her heels sunk in the sand step after step after step. After the walk Chris took Ali to his childhood home, where she was met with photos of his mom and more depressing conversation. Upon reuniting, Chris and his family (dad, two brothers, a sister-in-law and a sister-in-law-to-be) all embraced one another and proved themselves to be an incredibly loving and close knit family. I almost cried. Chris’s family was very hopeful for Chris and Ali and as Chris’s dad kissed Ali’s cheek goodbye I decided she would be insane not to want to be a part of this family, too.
Kirk’s hometown dates were a little less exciting. Kirk didn’t plan anything other than trips to each of his parents’ houses. They started at Kirk’s dad’s house, which was filled from floor to ceiling with knick knacks. Ali couldn’t enjoy the flea market splendor for long because Kirk’s dad immediately whisked her down to his basement taxidermy workshop. Ali kindly admired the “natural” décor and bits and pieces in the freezer. In the end, Kirk’s dad was very kind and the two had a heart to heart before Kirk took Ali to his mom’s house. Poor Kirk, after those dates, the writing (well, animal head) was on the wall, and Kirk’s romance with Ali was over.
The final home town date was in Chicago for a visit with Frank’s family. The visit with the family was uneventful, but what I remember is how incredibly standoffish Frank was as they cruised down the Chicago river. Well, that’s because he lies awake at night thinking of his ex girlfriend…not Ali. Despite Frank’s usual weird standoffish and overly emotional behavior, Ali decided to keep him around and sent Kirk home. Bad choice. I would have liked Kirk and his bod to join me in Tahiti. For sure.
On to the romantic overnight dates.
Per Ali, Tahiti is the “perfect place to fall in love.” So was Iceland. Oh and Istanbul and Portugal, too.
Both Chris and Roberto are falling in love with Ali while Frank has some feelings” brewing” for his ex, Nicole. So, while in Chicago, Frank decided to go visit Nicole to see if his feelings for her are real. He showed up at her front door and, after telling her what an amazing connection he has with Ali, he asked for Nicole to take him back. She accepted with some baby talk. “Nevew weave me again.”
Ali then arrived in Tahiti and settled into her hut on the water. Basically a dream honeymoon. Per the producer’s request she immediately threw on a pink swim suit and hopped in the water. Then she pulled a Little Mermaid move…popping out of the water and flipping her hair from front to back.
Ali went to visit Robert and snuggled him under his massively wet armpits. He was NOT sure to be dry and I’m guessing her man did NOT smell like an Old Spice man. Surprise, surprise, Ali took Roberto to a…wait for it…wait for it…helicopter!!! The copter dropped them off on a private island where they stripped off their clothes (real quick) and Roberto scooped Ali up and ran for the water. Ali told us her physical chemistry with Robert is “intense”. We’ve noticed. And we noticed some more as they sat in the shallow water “spider” style and made out, paying no attention to the under-water cameras that were capturing it all.
Over dinner they continued to swoon over one another. Roberto, in a long-sleeved shirt, dropping beads of sweat into their wine glasses, told Ali that he’s falling in love with her. Kissing ensued before Ali presented the standard overnight date card. Roberto pretended like had no idea what was coming as he read “Should you choose to forego your individual rooms….” Clearly Roberto accepted. They were so eager to get to the suite that they waded through the water to get to their hut instead of taking the long way home. Clever Ali. The first thing she said was, “You’re soaking wet” and then helped Roberto out of his shirt before the camera cut out.
Chris then arrived in Tahiti and the two skipped off to a gorgeous boat ride where they talked about Chris’s amazing family before snuggling on the bow of the boat. The boat then dropped anchor and the two jumped in the water and swam to the island. But as soon as they could stand, Ali used the leg wraparound and Chris carried her (making out the whole time) to the beach. When they finally got there they opened oysters looking for pearls and ABC documented their thievery, as I’m guessing those pearls belong to Tahiti.
They had dinner on a private island, “Just the two of us.” Well, and the camera men and the microphone holder and the makeup girl. When she was ready for more hanky panky, she presented the fantasy suite card. After discussing their future and where they would live Chris said, “God, I love you.” My heart skipped a beat while Ali giggled. It was precious. But my fear is that we’ll be watching him get his heart broken in a couple weeks.
Meanwhile, Frank arrived and got some advice from Chris Harrison before heading out to devastate Ali. Ali, excited for her date with Frank, was in for a rude awakening when he immediately said “We need to talk.” Frank couldn’t spit it out and tortured Ali as tears welled up in her eyes. Finally he admitted that he had “unresolved feelings for an ex girlfriend.” They cried together for a while and after a long embrace, Ali walked away, a perfectly good sailing date gone to waste. I think she should have called Chris L to ask him to take her for a spin.
And then there were two. Roberto or Chris. Who’s it gonna’ be? Well, we have to suffer through Monday’s “Men Tell All” episode before we find out.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Bachelorette Week 6: Achy Breaky Heart
This week on the Bachelorette…
Ali pouted her way through one more rose ceremony and Ty was sent home with an achy breaky heart.
Ali made her decision about Ty last week when she uncovered that he doesn’t know girls can be good at math and science. This week Ali was a major party pooper and didn’t leave me with much to write about other than that Portugal looks really pretty and I might put it on my travel wish list.
Ali had a one-on-one date with Roberto. They ran around Lisbon kissing and taking silly pictures and then danced in the street together. Basically they had a “Hey, Portugal. Look at us. We’re annoying Americans!” date. But to Ali it was a “fairytale” and Roberto promised Ali a lifetime of moments like that one if she keeps him around. If she doesn’t want those moments (but I think she does), I’ll take ‘em!
Next came a two-on-one date with Frank and Ty. And surprise, surprise, they went on another helicopter ride. After the ride the group climbed up to an old castle where they had dinner while Ali was in a ridiculous funk. She had some time with Ty, where she quizzed him again about the traditional gender roles he seems to expect in a relationship. Warming! Warning!
Ty reminds me of a guy I never met on E-Harmony. It’s true…fours years ago I signed up for about 32 minutes. The way this dating sites works is, based on a ridiculously thorough questionnaire, E-Harmony tells you who you’re compatible with and then you read your potential suitor’s profile. After jumping through some hoops you email back and forth until you decide if you want to meet in real life. Well, I never made it past the “read their profile” stage. Like Ali, I consider myself to be independent and career-minded and God-willing, if I ever get to be a mommy, I expect I’ll keep working. So, when E-Harmony recommended a fella’ like Ty who was looking for a woman to take care of who would stay home and do sweet things like put love notes in his lunch box (dead serious…love notes in the lunch box), they lost complete credibility with me and I didn’t give my Ty a rose either.
Next Ali had some special time with Frank where, in preparation for next week’s hometown dates, he told her that he lives with his parents. He’s 30 if you were wondering. But when he got teary over the situation he won some XOXO’s before they sat in a tree making out.
The next day Ali took Kirk around Lisbon in a horse-drawn carriage to a palace and it was Kirk who felt he was in the fairytale. While Ali was all about her date with Roberto, she was a little black rain cloud with Kirk, which made him worry and rightfully so. I just don’t see this relationship lasting past the hometown dates, especially after Kirk’s dad introduces Ali to all of the Bambis displayed on his basement walls.
On Chris L’s date Ali admitted that she sees him as more of a friend and that the relationship is progressing slowly. Bummer. Ali, I thought you wanted to laugh with someone for the rest of your life. If so, Chris L is your man! Roberto may be hot, but he hasn’t made a single joke all season while Chris L keeps you in stitches! Maybe the relationship isn’t progressing physically because all Ali asks Chris about is his dead mother and making out after those discussions just doesn’t seem appropriate. But Chris L won some bonus points by giving Ali a present that he’d been hanging onto, a silver bracelet that a family friend made. I waaaaant one…a bracelet…and a Chris.
So that was the show. Not to exciting, eh?
But wait. There’s more!
Jake and Vienna, who broke up last week, joined Chris Harrison for an interview so they could make boobs of themselves. I’m going to keep it brief, but you really need to watch it and Jake needs to look up the definition of “undermine”.
Jake came across as an asexual and cold-hearted jerk face who was more upset about Vienna selling her story to a magazine than the actual breakup. Turns out the relationship went south starting a month after the final rose when Jake became emotionally and physically detached from Vienna before “emotional abuse” and anger issues surfaced. I can see that. I don’t think any Bachelor viewer would be surprised to hear that Jake is a little bit crazy on the inside. If he was afraid that Vienna’s magazine interview made him look bad (which is why his panties are in a pinch), he certainly didn’t make anything better with this interview. Vienna’s anguish was so believable I honestly felt horrible for her and am solidly on Team Vienna.
See you on the hometown dates!
Beth
Ali pouted her way through one more rose ceremony and Ty was sent home with an achy breaky heart.
Ali made her decision about Ty last week when she uncovered that he doesn’t know girls can be good at math and science. This week Ali was a major party pooper and didn’t leave me with much to write about other than that Portugal looks really pretty and I might put it on my travel wish list.
Ali had a one-on-one date with Roberto. They ran around Lisbon kissing and taking silly pictures and then danced in the street together. Basically they had a “Hey, Portugal. Look at us. We’re annoying Americans!” date. But to Ali it was a “fairytale” and Roberto promised Ali a lifetime of moments like that one if she keeps him around. If she doesn’t want those moments (but I think she does), I’ll take ‘em!
Next came a two-on-one date with Frank and Ty. And surprise, surprise, they went on another helicopter ride. After the ride the group climbed up to an old castle where they had dinner while Ali was in a ridiculous funk. She had some time with Ty, where she quizzed him again about the traditional gender roles he seems to expect in a relationship. Warming! Warning!
Ty reminds me of a guy I never met on E-Harmony. It’s true…fours years ago I signed up for about 32 minutes. The way this dating sites works is, based on a ridiculously thorough questionnaire, E-Harmony tells you who you’re compatible with and then you read your potential suitor’s profile. After jumping through some hoops you email back and forth until you decide if you want to meet in real life. Well, I never made it past the “read their profile” stage. Like Ali, I consider myself to be independent and career-minded and God-willing, if I ever get to be a mommy, I expect I’ll keep working. So, when E-Harmony recommended a fella’ like Ty who was looking for a woman to take care of who would stay home and do sweet things like put love notes in his lunch box (dead serious…love notes in the lunch box), they lost complete credibility with me and I didn’t give my Ty a rose either.
Next Ali had some special time with Frank where, in preparation for next week’s hometown dates, he told her that he lives with his parents. He’s 30 if you were wondering. But when he got teary over the situation he won some XOXO’s before they sat in a tree making out.
The next day Ali took Kirk around Lisbon in a horse-drawn carriage to a palace and it was Kirk who felt he was in the fairytale. While Ali was all about her date with Roberto, she was a little black rain cloud with Kirk, which made him worry and rightfully so. I just don’t see this relationship lasting past the hometown dates, especially after Kirk’s dad introduces Ali to all of the Bambis displayed on his basement walls.
On Chris L’s date Ali admitted that she sees him as more of a friend and that the relationship is progressing slowly. Bummer. Ali, I thought you wanted to laugh with someone for the rest of your life. If so, Chris L is your man! Roberto may be hot, but he hasn’t made a single joke all season while Chris L keeps you in stitches! Maybe the relationship isn’t progressing physically because all Ali asks Chris about is his dead mother and making out after those discussions just doesn’t seem appropriate. But Chris L won some bonus points by giving Ali a present that he’d been hanging onto, a silver bracelet that a family friend made. I waaaaant one…a bracelet…and a Chris.
So that was the show. Not to exciting, eh?
But wait. There’s more!
Jake and Vienna, who broke up last week, joined Chris Harrison for an interview so they could make boobs of themselves. I’m going to keep it brief, but you really need to watch it and Jake needs to look up the definition of “undermine”.
Jake came across as an asexual and cold-hearted jerk face who was more upset about Vienna selling her story to a magazine than the actual breakup. Turns out the relationship went south starting a month after the final rose when Jake became emotionally and physically detached from Vienna before “emotional abuse” and anger issues surfaced. I can see that. I don’t think any Bachelor viewer would be surprised to hear that Jake is a little bit crazy on the inside. If he was afraid that Vienna’s magazine interview made him look bad (which is why his panties are in a pinch), he certainly didn’t make anything better with this interview. Vienna’s anguish was so believable I honestly felt horrible for her and am solidly on Team Vienna.
See you on the hometown dates!
Beth
Friday, July 2, 2010
The Bachelorette Week 5: Breaking Hearts and Breaking Necks
This week on the Bachelorette…
Ali broke Craig’s heart and nearly broke Justin’s neck in Istanbul.
After updating the audience on her quest for love, Ali commented that she has never felt better and that she feels that “nothing can go wrong at this point.” Then came a knock, knock, knock on the door and in walked a serious-looking Chris Harrison, pretending he didn’t have this next dramatic twist planned all season. He had something very important and “legit” to tell Ali. But to add to the drama, he wouldn’t spill the beans. Instead, he called Jessie, the Canadian make-up artist with a passion for Covergirl’s “Lime Alive” eye shadow, who vied for Jake’s heart last season.
The phone rang for an eternity, despite the fact that Jessie was sitting next to the phone in her Toronto living room with an ABC camera crew just waiting for the call. Ali nervously took the phone and tried to be cheerful as she began her conversation with Jessie. Jessie told Ali that one of the guys on the show has a girlfriend and that guy is…(dramatic pause)…Justin. Ali asked Jessie how she knew. Turns out that the girlfriend, Jessica, was sitting next to Jessie. Because all Canadians know each other? Jessie handed the phone to Jessica who told Ali her sad story about how she and Justin were in cahoots to use ABC / Ali to get Justin (well, “Rated R”) some publicity. She cried and Ali actually felt badly for the girl who tried to throw a wrench in the most important journey of her life. It was only when Jessica found out that Justin had yet another girlfriend that she decided to blow the whistle on him. She told Ali she was “sooory” and Ali thanked her for the information.
Ali discussed what to do with Chris Harrisson who said that he “just found out and came straight to tell (Ali).” Well, after he took the time to get Jessie and Jessica together in Toronto with a camera crew, but after that he ran right over!
Understandably, Ali was fit to be tied and marched down to the boys’ room to confront Justin. Chris Harrison egged Ali on as they walked to Justin’s room (“Stay strong and let him have it.” Make me some good TV.). Ali, who continues to be quick on her feet, pretended that she stopped by to thank the guys for being so understanding during this process. Then she threw a zinger at Justin. “It’s been a difficult road getting here so far. Ya know, Justin, it’s especially difficult for you because you probably really miss your girlfriend in Canada.” Take that! Justin, surprised, had no response and just walked out of the room, leaving a couple f-bombs in his wake.
Justin grabbed his man purse and took to the stairs to get away. However, given his clunky walking cast, Ali was easily able to get downstairs and cut him off outside of the hotel. Cornered and denied entrance into the nearest restaurant, he had no choice but to…walk through the hotel gardens and fountains to get away? Ali sat back and watched the bizarre getaway attempt and surprisingly, Justin eventually came hobbling back to explain. Justin explained that over the course of the show he became less and less interested in Ali and more interested in his old flame, Jessica. That made Ali feel really good about herself. Ali then asked Justin about his second girlfriend, wondering how he could hurt Jessica, “…this girl (he) ‘supposebly’ cares about.” Again with the “supposebly.” Pretty soon she’ll order a “samwich” and plan a date at a “punkin” patch and I’ll lose it. Anyway, Ali owned the conversation with Justin and after a good lip lashing, Justin walked away again. As we watched him clip clomp down the street we listened to phone messages Justin left for Jessica during filming that Jessica then sold to ABC. Smart girl.
Once that elimination decision was made for her, Ali could move along to her planned dates.
A date card arrived for Ty saying, “Let’s get steamy” and poor Craig was left as the only man not to receive a 1:1 date. To add insult to injury, Frank later received a second one-on-one date, leaving Craig grasping for straws…or oiled men. More on that later.
Ty and Ali spent their date at a market in Istanbul, walking hand-in-hand, until they made their way to the Turkish baths. They visited a male-only bath house in Instanbul where they rubbed each other down and took their relationship to “the next level.” It was hot and steamy and Ty started planning their Turkish honeymoon right then and there. After cleaning up they had a lovely, romantic dinner together but ran into a nearly disastrous road block when Ali started probing about Ty’s divorce. It turns out that a significant issue in his marriage was that he struggled with the fact that his wife worked. I’m not sure how he expected to keep food on the table as a dime-a-dozen Nashville aspiring country singer, but the fact that women can have careers was a recent revelation for Ty. Garsh, did you know there are even female CEOs? Ali’s Magic 8 Ball eyes made a reappearance and Ty quickly pulled his foot out of his mouth, explaining to Ali how much he has grown / changed since then. In the end, while concerned about the “traditional” marriage Ty is looking for, Ali gave him a rose and the two danced the night away on the streets of Istanbul.
Back at the hotel, the rest of the guys talked about…I don’t know…I couldn’t get past Craig’s bandana, basketball shorts and baby green (really, like “don’t know if it’s a boy or girl baby shower” green) striped v-neck Gap t-shirt, circa 1994.
The group date with Craig, Kirk, Roberto and Chris came next and Ali introduced the guys to a Turkish pastime…olive oil wrestling. Ali announced that the guys were going to wrestle four professional Turkish olive oil wrestlers. The goal is to get your opponent’s back to hit the ground first. So, the guys got greased up (with Ali’s help) and never had a chance with the professionals. But then Ali turned the guys on each other and they duked it out for a little one-on-one time with Ali. This game was clearly designed for Roberto (a stud muffin baseball player) to win. But unfortunately for Ali, where there’s a will, there’s a way and Craig’s will to have his first one-on-one time with Ali gave him the super-human strength he needed to defeat Roberto. Ali whisked Craig away on a boat ride while looking back longingly at Roberto. While this date wasn’t as awkward as Ali’s time with Chris N last week (“Uhhh…I like Mexican food.”), this boat ride was pretty darn awkward. Ali sat there, stiff as a board with hands folded in her lap, while Craig had his arm around her. There was little conversation and it didn’t get much better over dessert. ABC pulled out all the stops (again, intended for Roberto) and even had a fireworks show that evening…but there weren’t any between Craig and Ali! While Craig thinks there’s never an awkward moment with Ali and that they are always into each other, he is clearly solidly within the friend zone. Craig is funny, smart and nice. But in a show with olive oil wrestling and ridiculous bods, he didn’t stand a chance.
Frank, who said there’s no more romantic way to fall in love than to travel around the world (with a bunch of other dudes who are kissing your girl?), headed out for his second one-on-one date of the season, looking to rekindle that romance he once shared with Ali. The date began with a walk through the spice market where they bought an economy sized spice with an aphrodisiac in it in the hopes that their chemistry would return. They had a fabulous time together. They went rug shopping and Ali tried on “I Dream of Jeanie” outfits. Frank liked that. Then they were off to an underground cistern that I likened to the Phantom of the Opera’s lair. They waded through the water (creepy since it was dark) and dined on a platform in the middle of the water. They talked about some serious stuff, but my friends and I lost focus when Lindsey said, “Thumb ring.” And, in unison, the rest of us said, “Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah.” It’s a shame ‘cause Frank was so cute.
Ali broke the Bachelorette tradition the next night by announcing that there wouldn’t be a cocktail hour this week. She was so certain of her elimination decision and lack of desire to spend more awkward time with Craig that she just plowed ahead. She sent Craig home and then he kindly thanked her for the wonderful experience and told her what a great gal she is. And how did she respond? By saying, “Yeah, the romance just wasn’t there between us.” Yikes! Just say, “Thanks for playing.” Don’t tell the poor guy that you weren’t attracted to him! Geesh!
On to previews…they look pretty dramatic! Things get physical in Tahiti, Frank breaks Ali’s heart and Jake and Vienna make their first appearance since their “shocking’ breakup.
And do not despair fake drama fans. We are nearing the end of Ali’s journey, but we have much to look forward to after she hands out her final rose. After that magical day we will be introduced to a new show entitled, “The Bachelor Pad”…a cross between “The Bachelor” and “Big Brother”. The show will include contestants from past Bachelor / Bachelorette seasons and the best part is that some of my favorite crazies will be there! Remember Crazy Michelle? Like Ca-Ray-Z Michelle from Jake’s season, who made Jake kiss her and he looked like he was in physical pain? She’ll be there. So will Elizabeth, the girl who played games and refused to kiss Jake. He nixed her because she’s a nut, but she went home certain he was just upset that he wasn’t able to kiss her. We will also be reunited the girl from Jason’s season who thinks she’s really interesting, but when asked to share something about herself told us, “I like bears. All kinds of bears.” Some of our favorite villains will be there too, including Wes (Jillian’s country crooner) and Craig M (Ali’s creepy Canadian). Best cast member? The Weatherman! Yay, yay, yay!!!! I just can’t believe he’s signing up for more embarrassing moments. Can’t wait!
Until next week,
Beth
Ali broke Craig’s heart and nearly broke Justin’s neck in Istanbul.
After updating the audience on her quest for love, Ali commented that she has never felt better and that she feels that “nothing can go wrong at this point.” Then came a knock, knock, knock on the door and in walked a serious-looking Chris Harrison, pretending he didn’t have this next dramatic twist planned all season. He had something very important and “legit” to tell Ali. But to add to the drama, he wouldn’t spill the beans. Instead, he called Jessie, the Canadian make-up artist with a passion for Covergirl’s “Lime Alive” eye shadow, who vied for Jake’s heart last season.
The phone rang for an eternity, despite the fact that Jessie was sitting next to the phone in her Toronto living room with an ABC camera crew just waiting for the call. Ali nervously took the phone and tried to be cheerful as she began her conversation with Jessie. Jessie told Ali that one of the guys on the show has a girlfriend and that guy is…(dramatic pause)…Justin. Ali asked Jessie how she knew. Turns out that the girlfriend, Jessica, was sitting next to Jessie. Because all Canadians know each other? Jessie handed the phone to Jessica who told Ali her sad story about how she and Justin were in cahoots to use ABC / Ali to get Justin (well, “Rated R”) some publicity. She cried and Ali actually felt badly for the girl who tried to throw a wrench in the most important journey of her life. It was only when Jessica found out that Justin had yet another girlfriend that she decided to blow the whistle on him. She told Ali she was “sooory” and Ali thanked her for the information.
Ali discussed what to do with Chris Harrisson who said that he “just found out and came straight to tell (Ali).” Well, after he took the time to get Jessie and Jessica together in Toronto with a camera crew, but after that he ran right over!
Understandably, Ali was fit to be tied and marched down to the boys’ room to confront Justin. Chris Harrison egged Ali on as they walked to Justin’s room (“Stay strong and let him have it.” Make me some good TV.). Ali, who continues to be quick on her feet, pretended that she stopped by to thank the guys for being so understanding during this process. Then she threw a zinger at Justin. “It’s been a difficult road getting here so far. Ya know, Justin, it’s especially difficult for you because you probably really miss your girlfriend in Canada.” Take that! Justin, surprised, had no response and just walked out of the room, leaving a couple f-bombs in his wake.
Justin grabbed his man purse and took to the stairs to get away. However, given his clunky walking cast, Ali was easily able to get downstairs and cut him off outside of the hotel. Cornered and denied entrance into the nearest restaurant, he had no choice but to…walk through the hotel gardens and fountains to get away? Ali sat back and watched the bizarre getaway attempt and surprisingly, Justin eventually came hobbling back to explain. Justin explained that over the course of the show he became less and less interested in Ali and more interested in his old flame, Jessica. That made Ali feel really good about herself. Ali then asked Justin about his second girlfriend, wondering how he could hurt Jessica, “…this girl (he) ‘supposebly’ cares about.” Again with the “supposebly.” Pretty soon she’ll order a “samwich” and plan a date at a “punkin” patch and I’ll lose it. Anyway, Ali owned the conversation with Justin and after a good lip lashing, Justin walked away again. As we watched him clip clomp down the street we listened to phone messages Justin left for Jessica during filming that Jessica then sold to ABC. Smart girl.
Once that elimination decision was made for her, Ali could move along to her planned dates.
A date card arrived for Ty saying, “Let’s get steamy” and poor Craig was left as the only man not to receive a 1:1 date. To add insult to injury, Frank later received a second one-on-one date, leaving Craig grasping for straws…or oiled men. More on that later.
Ty and Ali spent their date at a market in Istanbul, walking hand-in-hand, until they made their way to the Turkish baths. They visited a male-only bath house in Instanbul where they rubbed each other down and took their relationship to “the next level.” It was hot and steamy and Ty started planning their Turkish honeymoon right then and there. After cleaning up they had a lovely, romantic dinner together but ran into a nearly disastrous road block when Ali started probing about Ty’s divorce. It turns out that a significant issue in his marriage was that he struggled with the fact that his wife worked. I’m not sure how he expected to keep food on the table as a dime-a-dozen Nashville aspiring country singer, but the fact that women can have careers was a recent revelation for Ty. Garsh, did you know there are even female CEOs? Ali’s Magic 8 Ball eyes made a reappearance and Ty quickly pulled his foot out of his mouth, explaining to Ali how much he has grown / changed since then. In the end, while concerned about the “traditional” marriage Ty is looking for, Ali gave him a rose and the two danced the night away on the streets of Istanbul.
Back at the hotel, the rest of the guys talked about…I don’t know…I couldn’t get past Craig’s bandana, basketball shorts and baby green (really, like “don’t know if it’s a boy or girl baby shower” green) striped v-neck Gap t-shirt, circa 1994.
The group date with Craig, Kirk, Roberto and Chris came next and Ali introduced the guys to a Turkish pastime…olive oil wrestling. Ali announced that the guys were going to wrestle four professional Turkish olive oil wrestlers. The goal is to get your opponent’s back to hit the ground first. So, the guys got greased up (with Ali’s help) and never had a chance with the professionals. But then Ali turned the guys on each other and they duked it out for a little one-on-one time with Ali. This game was clearly designed for Roberto (a stud muffin baseball player) to win. But unfortunately for Ali, where there’s a will, there’s a way and Craig’s will to have his first one-on-one time with Ali gave him the super-human strength he needed to defeat Roberto. Ali whisked Craig away on a boat ride while looking back longingly at Roberto. While this date wasn’t as awkward as Ali’s time with Chris N last week (“Uhhh…I like Mexican food.”), this boat ride was pretty darn awkward. Ali sat there, stiff as a board with hands folded in her lap, while Craig had his arm around her. There was little conversation and it didn’t get much better over dessert. ABC pulled out all the stops (again, intended for Roberto) and even had a fireworks show that evening…but there weren’t any between Craig and Ali! While Craig thinks there’s never an awkward moment with Ali and that they are always into each other, he is clearly solidly within the friend zone. Craig is funny, smart and nice. But in a show with olive oil wrestling and ridiculous bods, he didn’t stand a chance.
Frank, who said there’s no more romantic way to fall in love than to travel around the world (with a bunch of other dudes who are kissing your girl?), headed out for his second one-on-one date of the season, looking to rekindle that romance he once shared with Ali. The date began with a walk through the spice market where they bought an economy sized spice with an aphrodisiac in it in the hopes that their chemistry would return. They had a fabulous time together. They went rug shopping and Ali tried on “I Dream of Jeanie” outfits. Frank liked that. Then they were off to an underground cistern that I likened to the Phantom of the Opera’s lair. They waded through the water (creepy since it was dark) and dined on a platform in the middle of the water. They talked about some serious stuff, but my friends and I lost focus when Lindsey said, “Thumb ring.” And, in unison, the rest of us said, “Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah.” It’s a shame ‘cause Frank was so cute.
Ali broke the Bachelorette tradition the next night by announcing that there wouldn’t be a cocktail hour this week. She was so certain of her elimination decision and lack of desire to spend more awkward time with Craig that she just plowed ahead. She sent Craig home and then he kindly thanked her for the wonderful experience and told her what a great gal she is. And how did she respond? By saying, “Yeah, the romance just wasn’t there between us.” Yikes! Just say, “Thanks for playing.” Don’t tell the poor guy that you weren’t attracted to him! Geesh!
On to previews…they look pretty dramatic! Things get physical in Tahiti, Frank breaks Ali’s heart and Jake and Vienna make their first appearance since their “shocking’ breakup.
And do not despair fake drama fans. We are nearing the end of Ali’s journey, but we have much to look forward to after she hands out her final rose. After that magical day we will be introduced to a new show entitled, “The Bachelor Pad”…a cross between “The Bachelor” and “Big Brother”. The show will include contestants from past Bachelor / Bachelorette seasons and the best part is that some of my favorite crazies will be there! Remember Crazy Michelle? Like Ca-Ray-Z Michelle from Jake’s season, who made Jake kiss her and he looked like he was in physical pain? She’ll be there. So will Elizabeth, the girl who played games and refused to kiss Jake. He nixed her because she’s a nut, but she went home certain he was just upset that he wasn’t able to kiss her. We will also be reunited the girl from Jason’s season who thinks she’s really interesting, but when asked to share something about herself told us, “I like bears. All kinds of bears.” Some of our favorite villains will be there too, including Wes (Jillian’s country crooner) and Craig M (Ali’s creepy Canadian). Best cast member? The Weatherman! Yay, yay, yay!!!! I just can’t believe he’s signing up for more embarrassing moments. Can’t wait!
Until next week,
Beth
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