Ali made it to first base (at least!) with quite a few of our bachelors…
First up to bat? Roberto. Roberto and Ali kicked off the episode with a one-on-one date. And the transportation to get there? A helicopter. Uh huh…Ali, when Jake tortured you by taking you in an airplane to help you get over your fear of flying, I felt sorry for you. Now that two of your 1:1 dates (which YOU planned) have involved flying (a plane with Jesse and now a helicopter with Roberto), I’m onto you. You are so full of bologna…very clever bologna. And I’m sure you were laughing inside as Roberto held you because you were sooooo scared.
Anyway, this was the standard “girl proves that she is adventurous” date as Ali and Roberto tight-rope walked from building to building 20 stories in the air. I must say, I was impressed. My knees got a little weak just watching the footage and Ali seemed to pull it off without breaking a sweat. Again, she’s soooo afraid of flying but tightrope walking 20 stories high is no issue? There, high above LA, while standing on the high rope, Ali and Roberto shared their first kiss. Upon reaching solid rooftop, the two popped a bottle of champagne and shared quite a few more.
Back on the homefront, a handful of boys got a date card from Ali reading, “Come rock my world.” They headed out that day and came upon a private concert by a certain Canadian band whose name I’m not sure I can write on a work computer. Said Canadian dirty-named band (BNL) happened to be my favorite band from the 6th grade through high school and my first (and second, third, fourth and fifth) concert. So right then, I wanted to be Ali. I would have been willing to wear converse allstars and dance awkwardly with her to be there.
From there the boys prepared to film scenes for BNL’s newest music video with Ali. Many of the scenes involved playing kissy face with Ali. While a normal guy would be excited to receive a script instructing them to “kiss Ali passionately,” just like last week when faced with the Speedo, Weatherman wet himself. While other guys successfully filmed their scenes, Weatherman agonized over kissing Ali for the first time and actually tried to back out of it. Just before filming Weatherman pulled Ali aside to say, “Hey if you feel uncomfortable at all, you don’t have to do this.” Who does that? She looked at him like he was a total dweeb and said it’s ok. Take 1: Weatherman is so uncomfortable that he doesn’t even attempt to kiss Ali. So she pecks him. It was “all wrong” according to Ali. Take 2: After some teasing from the peanut gallery (who all saw Ali just throw up in her mouth), Weatherman tries again. Take 2: So awkward that they didn’t even show it on television! They cut away right as Jonathan went to kiss or not kiss Ali. The peanut gallery laughed and the Weatherman whined to stop embarrassing him and then started to cry! Like, I need to wipe my eyes cry! And I needed to wipe my eyes from laughing so hard. At that, Ali decided to save the day. She took a pepto to hold back the yack and passionately kissed Jonathan out of pity. Jonathan’s reaction? And I quote: “When Ali kissed me, just sort of like (snaps his fingers) a rocket ship it blew up emotionally. It was great. It was a good connection. And I was like, whoa, that has to be real”. Poor delusional Weatherman.
I think Chris L put it best when he said, “Today was a big day of firsts for the Weatherman. First kiss with Ali. First kiss in a music video. First kiss…ever.”
After that, many scenes moved forward with kisses. But one scene…Kirk’s scene, which was totally PG-13 and involved rolling around, seemed like a little more than acting. The director even had to say cut three times before they stopped. I wasn’t the only one to see the steam rise from the bed. Frank (last week’s front runner) saw it, too, and lamented over the connection that Ali and Kirk developed over the last few minutes. Ali and Kirk have never actually spoken to each other, but apparently, they both speak the language of love. Kirk’s rockin’ bod didn’t hurt either.
At the “wrap party” Chris L told Ali about his mom’s passing in a very appropriate way, at which point creepy, dorky Weatherman pulled Ali aside with the intent to tell her about the emotion behind that amazing kiss. He started by explaining that he was nervous. When Ali could tell that the conversation was going to get really creepy really fast, she did what any girl who’s ever been pursued by a dork would do…she cut him off, jibber jabbered, didn’t let him get a word in, and passed off their kiss as nothing before he had the chance to speak. And just when Weatherman whispered in her ear, “Hey wanna’ go somewhere and have a real first kiss,” Craig stepped in to save Ali and left Weatherman feeling that they made a real step forward with their “connection”. Craig’s subsequent one-on-one time hit the cutting room floor because Kirk’s time was much steamier as he became the first guy to kiss Ali in a hot tub and won the rose of the evening, too!
The next day our potentially ill-intentioned rebel, “Rated R” Justin, hobbled on his crutches (an entertainment wrestling accident) down the road to visit Ali at her house. ABC made it seem like he was walking for hours in the desert heat. Literally, they included vulture sound effects for added drama. Ali seemed to like the surprise, especially when Justin showed her some baby pictures and cuddle time ensued. Personally, I was sold on his cute Canadian accent. Unfortunately for Justin, his housemates still don’t trust him. And when cornered by them again, Justin became the second guy to cry in one episode.
Hunter, who busted out a ukulele and a song he wrote for Ali on night one, was next for a one-on-one date. Hunter got a lame “stay at home with Ali” date where they cooked six burgers and six hotdogs. Huh? After dinner the two had the most awkward hot tub time in the history of the Bachelorette. Ali couldn’t get outta’ there any faster and didn’t even let Hunter make a s’more before sending him packing…only wishing for s’more.
At the following night’s rose ceremony Ali got rid of a couple nice guys who never got any air time. In their place she kept the Weatherman, and left me utterly confused. For the sake of the Weatherman’s career, I was really hoping he would get kicked off so he’d stop embarrassing himself. But for my sake? I’m really glad he stayed. His tears got major laughs out of me and I’m looking forward to what he does next week. Oh please let him get a one-on-one date. He’ll lose it!
Taking a look ahead at the rest of the season…I’m about to get insane
ly jealous. As many of you know, I believe that my true calling in life is the stage…and that I’m meant to marry Joshua Radin. What does Ali get? She gets to perform in the Lion King AND gets a private Joshua Radin concert. Well, Ali…I’ve met Joshua 5 times and have been stalking him for 4 years…so there! So he’s never remembered me…details, details. It’s a matter of time…just gotta’ walk that fine line between cute fan and a restraining order.Here’s to the steamiest season ever.
Beth
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