Hello Bachelors and Bachelorettes! I’ve missed you so. But I hope you haven’t missed what’s happened in Bachelor-land! When I last left you, Roberto and Ali were heading off to go live happily ever after (and so far so good!) and we were gearing up for the “Bachelor Pad”…which turned out to be more like the Bachelor Rad!
Let’s start with our little lovebirds. I’ve been on a lot of plane trips recently, so I’ve been able to spend a lot of quality time with the mind-numbing trash that I prefer to call literature. Ya know, so I feel better about myself. As you know, Ali and Roberto moved to San Diego, where Roberto set up his insurance company and Jillian (who is now a designer on “Extreme Home Makeover”) helped them set up their love nest. They’ve been to the San Diego zoo, threw in the first pitch at a Padres game, and went to dinner a couple times. I wish there were something more exciting to report on that front.
Well, while Ali and Roberto were busy settling in to a drama-free life, the drama was heating up on the Bachelor Rad. Chris Harrison promised me a good show, and let me tell ya, he didn’t disappoint. That show was so full of crazy that I couldn’t begin to figure out how to recap it. It was like “The Bachelor,” “Real World,” and “Big Brother” rolled in to one delightfully hot mess.
I’ll quickly recap for you the recipe for disaster:
• Locate an isolated mansion in California
• Fold in 16 excessively attractive coeds, Crazy Michelle, The Weatherman and “Don’t Kiss Me” Elizabeth
• Place coeds in one bedroom with bunk beds
• Add a significant cash prize
• Mix with alcohol
• Whip up drama by asking coeds to vote each other off of the show
• Sprinkle with tears
• Beat with mental and physical challenges
• Peel clothing and bake at 98 degrees by the pool
• Drizzle with more alcohol
• Separate coeds and place a small portion in the “fantasy suite”.
• Allow drama to rise
• Stir in some alliances and crushes
• Top with rose ceremonies
In the end, Beaker (aka, Tenley) and Kypton were one of two couples left standing at the final rose ceremony. Despite Beaker’s use of tears and a baby voice, the jilted cast mates gave their final votes to “I like Bears…all kinds of Bears” Natalie and Crazy Eyes Dave from beautiful Dayton, Ohio.
And now we’re left with a Bachelor void. In an attempt to cheer me up, ABC announced their next Bachelor. I got really excited when I was watching “Dancing with the Stars” and saw Chris Harrison out of the corner of my eye, sitting next to none other than The Weatherman! I became giddy, wishing, hoping and dreaming that The Weatherman would be announced as the next Bachelor. Really, wouldn’t that be the best show ever? I’m certain that there are at least 20 women out there who somehow think he’s charming and I’m absolutely dying to see them. Better yet, I really want to see The Weatherman awkwardly try to romance them.
Alas, my hopes were dashed when the camera panned back to Chris Harrison, and The Weatherman was replaced by Brad Womack. Whoa-mack! Nooooo-mack! Recall we’ve already been through the drama with Brad…and it wasn’t very dramalicious. Brad is the Texas bar owner (really…73% of TV personalities hail from Texas) who offered us a season so dull that I have absolutely nothing to say about it! Gasp! All I remember is how he left both DeAnna Pappas and Jenni Croft broken hearted at the final rose ceremony.
After that infamous rose ceremony, Brad felt like “public enemy No. 1.” To all of the Bachelor viewers Brad disappointed, puh-lease. Break up with them today, break up with them tomorrow, it’s all the same. All you missed was a week of believing he’d found love before US Weekly’s “They’re Over” announcement.
Apparently Brad was so broken up after the show (primarily because Ellen DeGeneres called him a jerk) that he’s gone through years of therapy. Yes, therapy. Now he believes he’s ready to meet the one…and feels that a second go at the show is the way to do it. Despite my disappointment, I’m hoping that Chris Harrison can stir up some drama. At minimum we’ll get to see Brad with his shirt off as a consolation prize.
In other news, I broke my hand a few weeks ago. Surgery and a titanium plate later, I made it very clear to my occupational therapist that I need to be in tip top typing shape by the January 3rd season premiere. At this point, a few minutes of typing and I have to revert back to the one-handed hunt and peck, but I promise, no matter what happens, from limos and awkward introductions to overnight dates and the final rose, I promise to be with you for the journey.
Talk to you next year!
