Kasey left hoping that his future wife wants her heart guarded and protected and we said farewell to that one guy who no one ever noticed.
Ali and the fella’s headed to Iceland where we kicked things off with a little poetry contest. The guys had an hour to pen a love poem and then recite it to Ali…some funny, some sweet, some painful to watch. But it was Kirk who did the best job at wooing Ali with the poem. She chose him for a one-on-one date but I don’t think it would have mattered what Kirk’s poem sounded like. More one-on-one time = more making out time. I would have made the same decision.
While on their date, we learned the truth about Kirk. I was excited to find out what would the drama be. Has he already been married three times? Does he have five illegitimate children? Was he born female? Well, turns out that in college he got very, very sick. The story was sad…he was an athlete one day and all of a sudden was worried about making it through the next night alive. Fortunately, he pulled through. But unfortunately, the story was a little random and Ali’s reaction could have gone either way. Would she get grossed out and send Kirk packing? Nope. His hotness survived the near-death story and Ali responded with a kiss. And another. And another.
While Kirk and Ali were playing kissy face, the rest of the guys were learning who would be on the group date and who would be stuck on the dreaded two-on-one date. They didn’t say my favorite poem this season. “Two men. One rose. One stays. One goes.” But, that’s the way it worked and it was Justin and Koo Koo Kasey who drew the short straws.
While Kasey pondered when the best moment would be to show Ali his tattoo (which he got “to be someone…to be a man…to be a man for Ali…to be a man for that woman.”) the rest of the guys went horseback riding in big, puffy, blue Pillsbury Dough Boy outfits. As they saddled up, Ali announced that she “likes to go fast.” The guys liked that. The horses, which really looked like My Little Ponies, dropped the group off at an ice cave, which they explored for some time. I want to be the Bachelorette just so I can do these ridiculously cool things…and kiss boys who look like Kirk. After their ice tour they headed to a hot spring, where things heated up when Ali used Jillian’s underwater leg wraparound technique with both Ty and Chris L while Frank went bonkers with jealousy. I don’t think Frank, who had been a party pooper all day, has much to be jealous about with either guy (Chris L is fab-u-lous, but I don’t see the right chemistry). So, Ali pulled Frank aside and asked him to knock it off. After coaxing Frank to communicate that he’s interested in her in some way, they played a little tonsil hockey and all was right with the Bachelorette world.
Meanwhile, Justin was talking “smack” about his upcoming two-on-one date with Kasey. He said he was going to “bring it” and it all started with getting his cast off (he’s been hobbling around on crutches due to a broken ankle). The cast removal was pretty dramatic…for a whole bunch’a nothin’. He’s still hobbling around in a walking cast and is slower than he was on crutches…and the whole just doesn’t really matter. Somehow he must think the cast removal had something to do with his staying. It didn’t. Ali clearly didn’t want to give either one of the guys a rose. Justin just simply had to be less weird than Kasey to get it.
Upon meeting Justin and Kasey for their date, Ali took the guys in a helicopter (again with the helicopters!) to see the Icelandic volcano erupting. They viewed it as an exciting once-in-a-lifetime experience…and it was. It’s nice that they got to giggle with delight whereas Icelandic farmers would soon find their property covered in ashy muck, animals would soon start sucking down ash, the airline industry would lose billions and worst of all, I would almost be unable to go on my European vacation. But good for them.
After the helicopter ride the threesome made their way to a romantic ice cave. Unfortunately for Ali, she had no interest in being romantic with either Justin or Kasey. After some lame conversation with Justin, it was Kasey’s turn. Ali told the camera that, “The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal” in order to get the rose. Unfortunately, he couldn’t muster up enough normal to make it through the date and whipped out that tattoo at the wrong time. Well, any time would have been the wrong time, but he decided to show her right when she was reinforcing to him how she needed him to take a chill pill. Ali must have taken a “How to Deal with Crazies” class, because she handled the big reveal beautifully. Wide-eyed she just listened to him explain how he’s going to guard and protect someone’s heart someday and he is who he is and his heart is genuine…blah, blah, blah. She didn’t say much but finally said, “Your mom’s gonna’ kill you!” She continued by saying that she doesn’t want Kasey to change and that the tattoo is a special reminder (Kasey chimes in) “to never change.” She thanked him for being him…because it sure makes her decision easier. A miserable Ali, slouching with the weight of a bad date on her shoulders, gave the rose to Justin and then skillfully said goodbye to Kasey in a very supportive, “please don’t stalk me later,” way.
Poor Kasey, who was certain he was going to marry Ali, was left alone on the glacier as the helicopter flew away. This was very remi
niscent of when Bachelor Andy Baldwin and future winner Tessa took off in a copter leaving their third wheel behind. Oh Andy and Tessa. I thought they were going to make it. I met them at the Louisville Ironman where I had been volunteering and, upon finding out that Andy was competing, quickly abandoned my post and kept an eye on his progress throughout the day. By the way, it wasn’t just for TV…that guy is a ridiculous athlete. He smoked the professionals! Alas, like most Bachelor relationships, Tessa and Andy’s love didn’t stand the test of time. But don’t worry, Chris Harrison, my love for this show sure will.On to the rose ceremony where Frank did a great job at stepping it up and we heard Chris N’s voice for the first time. How he made it this far, no one knows. His one-on-one time with Ali was easily the most awkward conversation in Bachelor / Bachelorette history. When asked to share something that Ali would never know about him he responded with, “I would just say that, and this is from past relationships, like, my long-term girlfriend. She’s like, ‘Oh my gosh. You’re so…funny. Ya know.’” Huh? ‘Cause usually, the way it works is, if you’re funny, people know. Because, well, that’s kinda’ the point of being funny. Ali agrees with me and said, “Well, tell me about the fun, silly side of you. What is your guilty pleasure?” To which he responded, “That’s a good question. I love Mexican food. I dunno.” Crickets. Gosh. That is fun and silly. Then he gave her the most awkward hug ever and her jaw couldn’t have been clenched any harder. As a girl who also wears her feelings on her sleeve, I just love Ali’s facial expressions when she’s trying to be polite but can’t believe what she’s hearing / experiencing. I really think she and I could be great friends. Poor Chris N made his way to the limo, surprised he didn’t get a rose considering how “natural” their one-on-one time felt.
Looking ahead, the next stop on the Tour de Ali is Istanbul, Turkey, which Ali heard is “supposebly” phenomenal.
In other Bachelor / Bachelorette news: Two Steppin’ Jake and Vienna have called it quits! Jake says he broke up with Vienna, who was allegedly getting cozy with some guy from “Greek.” Also, Jake says that Vienna wasn’t looking for work and was jealous that he was the one picked for “Dancing with the Stars.” The best part? He’s asking for the ring he gave to Vienna back. Ummm, Jakie Poo? ABC bought that. And really, Jake, what did you expect from a Hooter’s Girl? He knew what he was getting into and I actually feel sorry for Vienna. Never fall for a reality TV personality from Texas. I did and a year later I was left two-steppin’ all alone…one-steppin’? Oh, darn that southern charm! He had me at “howdy.” I love my Mr. Personality...creepy mask and all.
Depending on when filming takes/took place, some of my Bachelorette pals and I are holding out hope that Jake might make an appearance this season. Wouldn’t it be great if he tries to win Ali back? After he told her it was too late and she couldn’t come back after she left the show? Let’s hope the producers have time to write that in.
Until next week,
Beth
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