The Bachelor Weeks 3 & 4: Bored to Tears

Friends, I must apologize for bailing on you last week, but I’m struggling…struggling to find anything to write about this season because Ben is ridiculously boring.

Even now with two weeks under our belts, I don’t have much to say, despite ABC’s best efforts to add their touches of dramatic flair, such as:

The truly most dramatic rose ceremony ever! Last week we had one girl sobbing, one girl passing out (Erika, our ice capades costume donning law student/pageant queen),

...and a rejected girl from a previous season putting her heart on the line only to be rejected a second time.

It was Shawntel, the funeral home director from Brad Womack's season. You don't remember her? Oh, well, maybe this picture of her hometown date with Brad will jog your memory.

Yeah, Brad didn't like it...and either did Ben. Shawntel was uber confident that she and Brad had developed a "connection" before he started filming. She busted in on a rose ceremony and asked to be considered for a rose, but alas, Ben told her he didn't think it would be fair to the other girls. Excuses, excuses...all's fair in love and war!


To try to keep things entertaing, ABC has also thrown in some unusual exits from the show. Last week, Brittney (the gal who brought her grandma to the first rose ceremony) received an invitation to a one-on-one date...and rejected it. She opted to pack her bags and hop in that limo as soon as she saw a "connection" coming. That's a Bachelor first! But honestly, it shouldn't be the last. Brittney is the only gal smart enough to realize that Ben isn't worth her time.

We also had an interesting exit this week, when beauty queen Samantha spent her one-on-one time with Ben complaining that she had only been selected for group dates. What I'm sure she intended to say was, "I really like you and, while I'm having a blast on these groups dates, I'd love to get to know you better. I look forward to the potential for a one-on-one date so we can chat more in the future." Instead she came across as whiney and complainy and Ben didn't take it well. Actually, he obviously was looking for a way to get rid of this girl and jumped at the opportunity, telling her off and asking her to leave immediately. He was an ass. Samantha, you're better off! Go talk to Brittney and have her explain why Ben's not worth your tears.

So, why else am I so anti-Ben? While I may have swooned for a moment over his wine-maker gig, he's just not living up to the hype. He spends all of his time smooching the ladies, not only because they are beautiful, but because he is the worst conversationalist in the history of the world. I thought maybe I could blame it on the ladies, but no, that can't be. He has so many awkward-silence-filled lame-o conversations in each episode ("This is great." "Yeah, real great." "Super great." "It's great to be here.") and I realized the common denominator is Ben.

But maybe these girls are onto something. Maybe they've got dating figured out. Maybe I should start being dull on my dates. Perhaps I'm too chatty and interesting. I should just stare at my date and tell him how handsome he is and how "great" it is to be there and he'll give me a smooch and a rose. I'll try that and get back to you! Now I just need a date....

Wanna' know why else I don't like Ben? Well, my friend found a little music video that Ben published a few years ago. And it's icky. It's called "Cream Dreams" and here's a picture of Ben starring in his nasty low budget music video.

ABC is also making great use of its favorite attention grabber...the swimwear contest...in order to keep viewers from switching over to watch Gossip Girl instead (and I was tempted!). Obviously, every date needs to involve a hottub, but they went a little far with this doosie of a date...snow skiing down the streets of San Francisco. This really looked like a disaster (or an ice burn) waiting to happen, but somehow even the worst of skiers managed to make it through unscathed.

So, while Ben disappoints, ABC is relying on some brewing cat fights to keep the audience interested. But I'm already more interested in next season, which apparently will star Emily Maynard. Months have passed since Emily and Brad Womack called it quits and she's ready to find love.

We'll see what Ben and the gals have in store for us next week. They'll be heading to Puerto Rico and I'm praying things getting a little more dramatic. If nothing else, this show provides us with some great vacation ideas! I already have plans in the works to head to Napa and Park City (where they were this week).

Adios amigos,
Beth

A Night of Firsts

This week, the eighteen ladies joined Ben in his hometown of Sonoma for “A Night of Firsts” full of criers (3) and kisses (4).

First Date:

Cute as a button southerner, Kasey, got the first one-on-one date with Ben…a romantic stroll through the town of Sonoma. They visited little shops, they dined together, they paraded down the center of the street while Kasey twirled the baton. She claimed she did it when she was little. Semi true. She twirled the baton when she was little...

and in high school and in college for the University of Tennessee. My friend suggested I make a joke about Kasey's skill in handling long, hard, poles, but she's so cute, I can't do it. Well, I kinda' did.

Anyway, to complete the perfect first date, Kasey got the...





First Kiss:

The first real kiss went to Kasey the majorette, but a number of other Bachelorettes checked first kiss off of their list this week too, including Jennifer Rabbit (sounds like Jessica and she has red hair), Blakeley the “VIP cocktail waitress” and Courtney the model. Sidenote on Courtney the model (who isn't as nice as she pretends to Ben). She used to date the hot gardener who Gabby Solice had an affair with on the first season of Desperate Housewives. See proof.

First Group Date:

This date was kind of shitty, but like all dates, the girls had to squeal with delight as Ben announced that they would be putting on a play written by a bunch of third-graders. They spent their entire day auditioning and preparing for a performance of the play for the townsfolk of Sonoma. Bad date. And this comes from a girl who believes her true calling in life is the stage. Mom…”Imaginating Dramatics”…not gonna’ let that lost opportunity go.

First Swimming Pool “Chicken Fight”:
This is a big event of every Bachelor and Bachelorette season. The girls hop into their teenie weenie bikinis while fighting on each others' shoulders in the pool. Meanwhile, the Bachelor has the opportunity to check out all of the merchandise.

First Hot Tub Kiss:

This only happened because Ben’s conversation with Jennifer Rabbit the red head, was so dull that he had to end it as soon as possible with a kiss. Here's what they talked about...


Ben: Did you have a good time today?
Jennifer Rabbit: Yeah, I had a good time today.
Ben: I’m glad you had a good time today
Jennifer Rabbit: Yeah, I’m glad I had a good time today
Ben: I’m glad you’re glad you had a good time today.

Kiss her and make it stop!

First Ben "Betrayal":

Five minutes after Ben was avoiding conversation with Jennifer Rabbit with a game of tonsil hockey in the hot tub, he played the same game with Blakeley in the swimming pool. Jennifer Rabbit saw it all unfold, which sent her into a fit of tears, questioning their connection (my favorite over-used Bachelor/Bachelorette word). No worries, Jennifer Rabbit made it through for another round of craziness.

First Group Date Rose:
Apparently Blakely was the better kisser ‘cause she went home with the group date rose. Ben awarded the prize by saying that the rose went to the girl who “...really owned the day and the night (I bet!) and I felt made the most of her time with me in conversation." By the way, the only conversation that was aired between the two of them was about how well endowed she is.

First Repeat Rose Ceremony Breakdown:

I’m not sure why Jenna was crying…at least before she got kicked off. And you should have seen the tears when she got kicked off. “Are you kidding me right now? I’m shocked! I’m mortified.”

Jenna should have been crying because she made a complete ass of herself during her one-on-one time with Ben. Once again, she strung just a whole bunch of words together that aren’t really supposed to go together in that order. And I quote, this is what she said…

"If anything like I I am really thankful that you gave me another chance after the first night. And…I, I might wanna’ be honest a little bit. I just feel like ya know…(long pause)…I feel like I’m a guy in how I act and so like being around girls all the time, this is very abnormal for me. And what people saaaay…. And I don’t want you to think that I’m not, ‘cause I might appear as if I’m not (long pause)…it’s I mean it’s hard there’s only you, so it’s like waiting around for you and it’s totally worth it, but I just…I’m not like a girl, if that makes any sense."

It doesn't. Make any. Sense. All Ben said was, “I appreciate that.” But what he was thinking was, “Ooook, well, I’m looking for a girl, so, if that makes any sense, you’re out.” And then he was rescued by another Bachelorette, who whisked him away for normal conversation.

Needless to say, Jenna didn't make it past this rose ceremony. Neither did a girl I don't think I had seen before who had blonde hair on top and black hair underneath. It was a look. Not a good look. Just a look.

Next week the girls are heading a little south to San Francisco, where they will apparently be joined by Ben's ex-girlfriend. Yay!

Until next week,
Beth

Bachelor Ben Premiere: Bachelor Superlatives!

Welcome to a new season of The Bachelor! Ben the winemaker has healed from his heartache over Ashley and is now thankful that meeting her helped him to open his heart to love, to kiss prettier girls, and to bring more business to his winery (as I’m certain flocks of Bachelor devotees will make a pilgrimage there. Who wants to go to Sonoma with me!?!). If this doesn’t work out for Ben, we can expect to see him on my other favorite dating show, “The Millionaire Matchmaker,” sometime in the near future.

This post is quite a bit delayed, as I just returned from a week at sea, cruising in the new year with some great company. While on board, I discovered what the best part of cruises is. It’s the formal school picture booths that are set up at dinner time. For families cruising together, this is a great opportunity to get an annual photo. But for a single gal without the need for a portrait of herself to hang above the fireplace, it’s an amazing opportunity to take the most ridiculous photos possible using the hilarious scenery they set up.

Now, while some of the photographers got to know and enjoy my nightly game, others…not so amused. For example, Sergio from Russia…not too happy with me for using his sea-themed props for this shot I like to call, “She's the Catch of the Day.” I wish I could show you more, but due to surveillance cameras, we had to be stealth about taking this photo of a photo (totally against the rules, which were posted everywhere). My friend’s dad helped me to snap this shot, and my favorite part is his hands covering up the pic.

The next night, dreams came true, when I spotted a set with a piano, some sort of castle background and…a single red rose. Helloooooo Bachelorette photo shoot! I hope you enjoy these cheesy Bachelor-inspired shots.

As all Bachelor fans know, this first episode is when we watch a parade of 25 lovely ladies step out of a limo and try to charm the Bachelor in about 30 seconds, hoping to win more time together, and that oh-so-important “first impression rose.” Personally, I wouldn’t want anything to do with that first rose, as it makes the winner instant shark bait in the sea of desperate bachelorettes.

As we make our way tonight from 25 winemaker wife hopefuls to 18 over the course of a cocktail hour, I thought we could start a new Bachelor Premiere tradition to introduce you to the ladies…high school yearbook style…Bachelor Superlatives. Here we go…

Worst Dressed: Erika from Chicago takes the cake with this get-up she stole from the Ice Capades costume closet.

Worst Introduction: Also goes to Erika. And here's what she said. “My name is Erika. I am a law student from the Chicago area. The verdict is in and you are guilty…guilty of being sexy.” (Makes “click click” noise with tongue while shooting Ben with gun fingers)

Most Clever Introduction: Amber who introduces herself briefly heads inside and comes right back a second time. “Just in case you don’t believe in love at first sight, here’s your second chance.” Apparently Ben didn’t appreciate this joke, or the beautiful girl who said it, and he sent her home crying, wondering what she did wrong.

Most Insecure Bachelorette: Jenna’s introduction went like this… “I have to say, I loved what you said last season…that good things end badly.” Nope, that’s not what he said. Ben then correctly quoted himself. She was embarrassed and agonized over it until a conflict with the bully of the group (Monica, her award is forthcoming) distracts her. That is, until Jenna had the worst one-on-one time ever. Whatever she said made zero sense. But in some inexplicable way, it was endearing enough to win her a rose that evening. Ben probably wouldn’t have made that decision if he had heard her mental breakdown when she was talking to herself and sobbing in the bathroom.

Cockiest Bachelorette: Courtney the model from Cali. “Hey Cutie Pie. Come here often? I love your hair.” (runs fingers through his hair) Previews show she’s a witch and stirs up a lot of drama in the house. Courtney’s a little over-confident, not realizing that all of these women are model-gorgeous too…they just happen to have gone to college.

Dumbest Bachelorette: Samantha, the beauty queen. Well, if “Miss Pacific Palisades” counts. “Hi, I’m Samantha. I’m Miss Pacific Palisades. I don’t actually know how this happened (Huh? You don’t remember prancing on stage to win the title?) and I don’t have the answer to world peace either (or what the square root of 9 is) but I’m more than just a pageant girl (soooo…why did you lead with that foot?) and I’m sure you’re more than just the Bachelor (Nope. That’s it. Just the Bachelor). Perfect! (high-fives Ben) Awesome!”

Most Seemingly Normal Bachelorette: Jamie. “I don’t have anything cute or corny to tell you, but, (shrugging) I’m Jamie.”

Most Enviable Introduction: Brittney the Medical Sales Rep brought her really sweet and normal grandma along (who is on crutches with a broken foot for bonus points) to both confuse Ben (when Grandma steps out of the limo) and delight him (when Grandma says she would like him to meet her beautiful Granddaughter) while explaining their shared love of family.

Most Memorable Introduction: Lindzi (yes, I am spelling her name "correctly"), an equestrian, rode in on her horse, who she said was named “First Impression Rose.” This scheme won her comments from the other girls including, “Screw you and the horse you rode in on,” from the cocky model. They’re just jealous they didn’t get the first impression rose like Lindzi did!

Potentially Weirdest Bachelorette: Blakeley. Remember Casey from Ali’s season? The guy who was so intent on “guarding and protecting” Ali’s heart that he actually tattooed a big ugly shield and rose on his arm? Well, Ali kicked him to the curb the day he got inked (duh) and he went on to date Vienna, Jake Pavelka’s ex-fiance. Well, assuming that won’t work out, I found the girl for Casey. Blakeley the "VIP" cocktail waitress (she used to be a Hooters girl) has inked her entire forearm with a heart and a key to her heart, along with the words, “Love is Patient, Love is Kind."

Also, please note, that when I did a google search for a picture of Blakeley, some nearly nudie tudie Maxim pictures popped up. Nowwww I know what a VIP cocktail waitress means!

Most Sexually Confused Bachelorette: Monica, who decided she was more interested in Blakeley than in Ben. They both ended up with roses, so we'll see which relationship develops.

So, there you have it, some highlights from the premiere. Let's see what trouble these girls (who are already cat-fighting) will get into tomorrow evening. And as the previews show, we have some excellent breakdowns coming for our viewing pleasure, along with some fun travel and (crossing my fingers this isn't the case) a Bachelor being rejected as he offers the final rose.

Thanks for joining me as the drama unfolds!
Beth