The Bachelorette Week 2: Never drive a Bentley!

Ok, now the real fun (and drama!) begins with week one of over-the-top dates.

Ashley’s first date is with William, the cute cell phone salesman from Columbus, Ohio in a collared shirt and sweater. Here’s hoping he doesn’t fool Ashley the way Tressel fooled Columbus. With Ashley in her teenie white mini dress, they made a beautiful couple. They jetted off to Las Vegas, arriving at the Bellagio. My favorite! As soon as they arrived, fans started snapping pictures and giving Ashley hugs. Then it got weird.

First Stop: Cake tasting
Second Stop: Ring shopping
Third Stop: The chapel

Assuming this was a joke, but getting a little nervous, William watched Ashley walk down the aisle in that little white mini dress. The pastor then began asking them to repeat vows. William actually said “I do.” Clearly Ashley, who knew this was a real pastor, said no. The pastor then asked William to kiss his “almost bride.” Well, Ashley chose the right guy for this date because he took it all in stride and they both left saying it was their “best first date ever.”

But the date wasn’t over and William deserved something normal. So, after changing into another short dress, Ashley took William to dinner. A super cool dinner! They rowed a boat out to a private table in the Bellagio fountain…a little too close to the street because fans were watching the entire thing. They did get enough private time for William to be able to open up about his father, an alcoholic who died six years ago. Turns out that Ashley’s father is an alcoholic, and the two shared a bond (and a first kiss) over similar struggles as the Belagio fountains began dancing.

Back at the mansion the second date card arrived, inviting a whole slew (slew = 12) of fellas to meet her in Las Vegas.

They headed to the JABAWOCKEEZ theater. I was not familiar with them, but they look like the Blue Man Group. However, rather than painting themselves blue, they wear white Scream-like masks. And instead of drumming, they dance. While the guys were enthralled with the private performance, Ashley tip-toed away and headed backstage unnoticed. All of a sudden, Ashley and her unreal abs appeared on stage in cargo pants and a purple sports bra. So, for the third season in a row (think Lion King and Cirque du Soleil) the guys would compete for a small role in that evening’s performance. Divided into two “crews,” the guys were tasked with coming up with a routine in 30 minutes.

Both “crews” came up with creative concepts…a rose ceremony dance and a wedding dance. But only one crew executed their performance well and half of the guys were sent back to the mansion. That evening the remaining six men joined the JABAWOCKEEZ and a belly-baring Ashley for a special performance.

Since the day didn’t leave any time to actually get to know the guys, Ashley made sure to have one-on-one time with everyone at the after party. She spoke briefly with the dentist, who looks just like Kirk from Ali’s season (see photos, am I right or am I right?).


Then West took her aside and told her his tragic story, reassuring her that he’s ready to find love again.

Then she spent some time with Bentley, the villain of the season. While Bentley appreciates Ashley’s “rockin’ bod,” he says that he’s not at all interested in her. So I’m not clear on why he’s playing this game, why he’s sticking around. Ashley clearly likes Bentley despite the pre-show warning she received from her girlfriend, and like an idiot, gave that jerk the one rose of the evening.

The next day, the third date was announced, inviting one of the two remaining guys on a one-on-one date in Vegas. Decided by a coin flip, Mickey won the toss, leaving J.P. (along with the creepy masked guy) dateless for the week. Since Mickey won the date via coin toss, the pair decided to coin toss their way through every decision that night. Despite the coin tosses, the date was fairly boring, but they did get emotional when Mickey opened up about his mother’s passing six years ago. That’s three sad stories in one episode! Mickey got a rose that night and the pair enjoyed a private concert by Colbie Callait at Mandalay Bay’s swimming pool.

At the pre-rose-ceremony cocktail hour, Ashley got to visit with (and kiss) J.P. She also got to two-step with Nick (a.k.a. Willy Wonka)

and had a creepy conversation in a dark stairwell with the masked man. With a brain hemorrhage and a divorce in his past, the masked man really values life and was about to take off his mask when he was interrupted by another suitor. Foiled! Fortunately, it worked in the masked man’s favor and Ashley actually kept him around for another week.

To put an end cap on the cocktail hour, Ashley had time with Bentley, who is the most disgusting character ever to grace the Bachelorette screen. Bentley picked Ashley up and delivered her to the fireplace, where he decided to seduce her. The jerk said, “Wow, that was…kinda boring. It started out good but it sucked toward the end.” Poor Ashley has self-proclaimed “good sincerity radar”, but alas, her radar is failing her and she has allowed herself to start falling for the one guy who couldn’t care less about her.

In the end, Ashley bid adieu to Stephen the hairstylist, Mama’s boy Matt, and Ryan M the construction estimator that I know nothing about.

Next week’s previews imply that Bentley will put an end to his shenanigans and tell Ashley “he’s just not that into her” and, if we’re lucky, the masked man will reveal his face. I’m hoping that next week will be the kick off to hot-tub season. We’ve seen far too much of Ashley’s bod…now let’s hear it for the boys!

Until next week,
Beth

The Bachelorette Week 1: The Hotties and the Notties

Welcome back, friends! And welcome back, Dentist Ashley!

Our bachelorette this season is itsy bitsy little Ashley, Brad Womack’s second runner up last season. While Brad and Ashley got off on a great foot, Ashley became insecure, which derailed their relationship.

We begin this season by following a pensive Ashley as she jogs and dances her way around Philly (with an excessive about of midriff baring footage), where she is a dental student. Determined not to let her insecurities get in her way this time, Ashley is ready to find love once again. From previews it seems she’s in for Mr. Toad's Bumpy Ride.

A newly brunette Ashley was bedazzled head to toe as she met her 25 suitors. With her big evening ahead, Ashley’s insecurities resurfaced as she worried that the men would be disappointed when they found out she was the Bachelorette. That made me very sad and I hoped for Ashley that she could win ‘em over. I must say, I wasn’t the biggest Ashley fan last season, but she did a lovely job as she took center stage for the first time.

Now let’s meet her men…the Hotties (lots of Hotties) and the Notties!

The Hotties:
•First Rose Ryan: The owner of a company in the solar industry, Ryan is adorable! He, like most of the guys this season, has a great bod. And unlike my recent ex, his chest doesn’t have a built in sweater vest. Bonus. Ryan made a great first impression with a genuine smile and the line, “Brad’s loss is my gain.” Ryan was the first guy to get out of the car, the first guy to steal her away at the cocktail hour, and the first guy to get a rose. Good choice, Ashley. But for the record, if Ashley lets him go, he can cry on my shoulder!
•G.I. J.P.: J.P. works in construction mgmt, but he also looks like G.I. Joe. At first glance you’re not sure if he’s a bad boy or if he’s a sensitive artist. I don’t think he’s either, but I do think he’s a genuinely nice guy
•Widower West: West is the Emily of this season, having already met and lost his one true love. West is a super cute lawyer with a very sad story. I hope that West is ready to love again and he got off to a great start by giving Ashley a broken compass stuck on West. Pretty sure he has ex girlfriends all over the place gagging because he used that same thing on them. But I liked it and I like him. Ashleylikes him, too and gave him a rose.
•Wireless William: A cell phone salesman from Columbus, OH (woop woop….Go bucks!!!), William has been unlucky in love, seeing himself as the stepping stone boyfriend for his girlfriends, who get married to the next guy they date. While he may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, William is cute and seemingly a genuinely nice guy. But his constant impersonations are going to get tired real quick.
•Bonjour Ben: Ou la la, Ben was born in France and charmed Ashley with French (in which she is fluent) as he introduced himself. After growing up in England he is now a lawyer in New Orleans. A romantic musician, he’s the next best thing to running off with some hot guy you meet while studying abroad.
•Sonoma Ben: A winemaker from Sonoma (pitter pat pat), Ben is one of two Josh Groban look-alikes in this batch of boys.

The Notties (and Naughties):
•Bad Boy Bentley: Before the season even started, Ashley was warned by a friend from last season that Bentley is on the show for the wrong reasons. Unfortunately, it’s true. And even more unfortunately, despite that Bentley was super cocky and as dull as a doorknob, Ashley gave him a rose because she thinks he’s cute. What is cute is his little girl, Cozy. Yes, Cozy. I know that babies are in fact, Cozy. But that doesn’t mean you have to name your child after an adjective! Reminds me of an episode of “Say Yes to the Dress” or “Girl Meets Gown” (I torture myself with both of those shows) where one of the bride’s names was Duvet. Yeah, like a comforter. Because her parents wanted her to be a comforter of others. These are names for puppies, not people.
•Anthony: 4th generation Jersey shore butcher, Anthony looks like he could be in the mob or singing Grease Lightning on Broadway. Either way, Ashley wasn’t interested in a trip to the Jersey shore and sent Anthony home.
•Tanked Tim: Drunk before he got out of the limo, this liquor distributor really needs a new job. He cursed, he stumbled, he snoozed, he snored. And he was sent home before the rose ceremony. I wish Ashley had let him stay, as it would have been amusing to see him try to stand at attention for 30 minutes.
•Phantom Jeff: The Phaaaaaantom of the Opera is (unfortunately still) here. Entrepreneur and official freak Jeff worse a mask for the entire show, confusing this show with the 2003 Fox Reality Show, “Mr. Personality.” Basically he wore a mask because it’s what’s on the inside that matters. I’m pretty sure his insides are freaky, but I think Ashley was made to feel it would be shallow to let him go. So, for our viewing pleasure, Phantom Jeff will be lurking around the mansion for at least one more week.
•Jon: E commerce exec, Jon, thought he could sweep Ashley off her feet by…well, sweeping her off her feet and carrying her like a fireman with the line, “Can we just go straight to the honeymoon?” Ashley was sweet about it, but it must have been a little much because she send Jon home without a rose…and with tears in his eyes.
•Hey Mickey Not So Fine: While he got a rose, this Mickey didn’t blow my mind. I was surprised she decided to keep him around given he tried to kiss her the second he met her. Yuck yuck.
•Too Far Frank: A college Admissions Director, Frank picked Ashley up and spun her around. Because every girl wants to be picked up by the ass by a guy she’s never met? Well, not me. And not Ashley either. She sent Frank home.
•Not So Musical Mike: Mike won me over with the one-liner he used when he met Ashley. “This is the first time in my life that I’ve actually been excited to see a dentist.” I also loved it when he pretended to be a guitar player to get some alone time with Ashley. I thought it was hilarious. But Ashley sent him home.
•Canadian Chris CEO: That’s all I know about him. The three C’s. He’s Canadian. He’s a CEO. His name is Chris. And he’s eliminated.
•Baffled Bobby: Rob, a technology exec. introduced himself with a bad dentist joke. That’s two for two dentist jokes that didn’t go over well with Ashley. Like Mike, she sent Rob home…and he’s “baffled!”

The Not So Sursies
•Constantine Groban: Restaurant owner Constantine is our second Josh Groban impersonator. Now, let’s vote. Will the real Josh Groban please stand up!










•Awkward Ames: Ames has worked hard in life and is a Certified Professional Nerd (CPN). He has a killer resume boasting degrees from Duke, Yale and Harvard. He is a portfolio manager in NYC and has run 39 marathons and some ultra marathons as well. Ames’ online bio includes the question, “What is your most embarrassing moment?” His response? And I quote, “I had a teacher walk in on me while I was hooking up in boarding school.” Totally saw boarding school coming from a mile away with this guy. He did impress me, though, by bringing Ashley, who is a dancer, ballet tickets. And he impressed Ashley enough to get a rose.
•Lucas: An oil field equipment distributor, Lucas is really handsome. But he’s from Texas. And years of Bachelor / Bachelorette experience tell me to never trust a Texan! Think Brad Womack and Jake Pavelka.
•Cutie Chris D: Chris works in sports marketing and raps as a hobby. But he shouldn’t. He wrote Ashley a rap for their initial greeting and fortunately Ashley didn’t call a foul.
•Mama’s Boy Matt: Matt’s mommy thinks he and Ashley will hit it off. She told Ashley so. When Matt called her during their one-on-one time. Mommy also told them to use protection when they choose to forego their individual rooms and stay in the romantic suite. Oi vey.
•Ryan M: Ryan is a construction estimator. That’s all I got.
•Nick: Nick is a personal trainer, but I think he looks like Willy Wonka. Which I’d be ok with if I were Ashley as long as brought me a scrumdidilyumptious bar. Preferably with a golden ticket inside.
•Fake Blake: Like Ashley, Blake is a dentist. He’s hot with a gorgeous smile, but I’m 99% sure they’re veneers.
•Stephen: A hairstylist, I don’t remember anything about Stephen. I’m not sure he was on the show, but when I only counted 24 bachelors, I found him online. Maybe next week he’ll braid Ashley’s hair and they’ll fall in love.

This first episode gives me hope for Ashley…and for myself. There are great guys out there. Guys get hurt, too. They’re looking for love. And somewhere out there is my bachelor. If only I had Chris Harrison on the hunt.

Until next week!
Beth

Bachelorette Premiere Countdown

Hello my Bachelor / Bachelorette friends!

It’s been a long time since we last gabbed about our favorite “reality” TV show. You may be wondering why I left you hanging with no summary of the "Final Rose" or “After the Final Rose” episodes. Well, the truth is, the week of the final rose, I was sent off crying just like Chantal with a C. Most of you know the story and I want to make sure my dear, wonderful, amazing friends know how much I love and appreciate them. I cried on so many shoulders and talked off so many ears. Thank you! For the rest of you, here's the scoop...

I was wooed by my very own Brad Womack…lots of muscles, not a lot of brains…and carrying a lot of baggage that was supposedly dealt with during “intensive therapy.” My Brad had me fooled just like Dentist Ashley, Chantal with a C and Shawntel with an S. Fooled that he is a good person, and fooled into thinking he was going to give me that final rose. Then, just as suddenly as the Bachelor bids adieu to his runner up, I was left standing shocked in my fancy dress. But, as we all know from watching “After the Final Rose,” just like those ladies who were sent off in tears, I dodged a bullet. A crazy bullet with nice muscles.

So, as you can see, I just didn’t have it in me to write about rose petals and love that week. But now that my heart has had some time to heal, I'm rip roarin' and ready to welcome back Dentist Ashley as the next Bachelorette.

But first, what’s happened since Brad Womack chose Southern Belle Mommy Emily to be his “bride”?

• We found out that Brad has an anger issue
• Brad & Emily broke up
• Brad & Emily made up
• Vienna found love! With…wait for it…Casey! Yes, it’s true. Casey is now guarding and protecting Vienna’s heart!
• It was announced that Jerky Jake Pavelka is teaming up with Heidi Montag (oh this’ll be good!) and a crazy lady from one of the “Real Housewives” shows for a reality TV show where they will open a restaurant together. Even I won’t watch that one…and that’s sayin’ something!
• Brad & Emily broke up
• Melissa Rycroft, who once endured Bachelor heartbreak, had a precious little baby girl
• Brad & Emily = TBD, but chances are slim to none that they’ll tie the knot



So that brings us to today in Bachelor/Bachelorette world. I must say that when it was announced that Dentist Ashley would be the next Bachelorette, I was disappointed. She was so annoying (oh that voice!) and not at all interesting. But then a friend reminded me that, the more annoying the girl, the better the blog material. And previews show that ABC has thrown some real, errr, winners into Ashley’s batch of 25 suitors. So, come Monday, I’m looking forward to a doosie of a premiere!

Until Monday!
Beth