Bachelorette Week 1: Giving Back & Giving Up

This week on the Bachelorette, where the alcohol flows freely…Ali and the boys “gave back” and I gave up on Ali finding true reality TV love.

First, Ali spent her first one-on-one date with Frank, a cute guy who is slightly too taken with Ali for week 1. The two spent a “silly” day together frolicking through Hollywood. I thought maybe a “connection” was developing, and my suspicions were confirmed when Ali busted out the first leg-wraparound of the season. Of course, it’s not a true connection until she uses the move underwater, but I’m sure we’ll get there by the end of week 2. And it was there, under the famous Hollywood sign, where Frank and Ali shared the first kiss of the season.

Next it was on to this week’s group date, where Ali greeted the boys while wearing pants and a bikini top. That’s kinda’ like wearing a short-sleeved wool sweater…which I’ve never understood. Anyway, Ali was super excited to do some amazing charity work with the guys. Ali’s definition of “giving back”? Frolicking on the beach in Malibu with a bunch of shirtless men at a photo shoot for a Bachelorette calendar. How is that charity? I asked myself the same thing…and think Ali needs to talk to Jillian, who will tell her all about her involvement with Big Brothers Big Sisters…over and over and over again. Anyway, back to Ali’s good deeds. You can buy your Bachelorette calendar for just $25 and a whopping $3 is donated to Global Green USA/the Oceanic Preservation Society! And if you buddy up with someone and buy two, you get free shipping! Actually, I recommend that you just donate $20, grab a beer or two with the extra $5 and save yourself the embarrassment of owning a Bachelorette calendar.

So, in preparation for all of their community service, the boys made their way to wardrobe, where they were fitted in itsy bitsy teenie weenie bikinis. While some guys were comfortable with their bodies and had no problem sporting their Speedos (including Steve who was teased for his inability to fill out his shorts), Jonathan (the “weatherman”) wet himself at the sight of the swimsuit bottoms he was expected to wear and told the nation about his insecurities over his own, um, er, uh, package (and I quote, “I don’t have like a huge…”). But given he needed to change out of his wet pants, he was forced to put on the suit. Ali was proud of him (“bless his little heart”) and thanks to some supportive words from his friends, he was comfortable in no time, doing the splits in the front of a group picture by the end of the photo shoot.

After a long day of doing “good things for people”…throwing back a couple beers, cuddling up to some rock-hard abs, being serenaded by Ty…Ali threw on a black dress with a zipper down the front (ick, icky, ick, ick) and took the guys out for some drinks where the they fought for that crucial “one-on-one time”.

When Jonathan (“weatherman”) got his special time with Ali, he told her how hot she looked and then won the first negative points of the season by warning Ali about Coo Coo Craig M. Ali’s eyes were as big as Magic 8 balls when she received the news. I hate to take a point away from Jonathan, as his warnings about Craig M were completely valid (“weatherman” has been the primary target of Craig M’s harassment), but still, I’ll never understand why the guys waste their time this way. The whistle-blower never wins the girl in the end.

Back at the house, another date box arrived with the message “Use these when the time is ‘right.’” My mind went somewhere in gutter-land…but it was cufflinks for Jesse.

Jesse and Ali jetted off to Vegas for a drive in a Ferrari and a private pool party. Jesse was the first person to have some aqua-fun with Ali…and then he picked her up and body slammed her face right into the pool. After the makeup artists covered up the bruises on her face, “Ali” (aka “ABC”) gifted Jesse with a new suit, the second he has ever owned (the first being the one be bought for the show), and then the two met for a fancy dinner. Finally, they had “VIP” access to “one of the hottest clubs in Vegas” and when I saw the empty bar and stage lights, I thought, oh geeze, here’s the surprise famous singer date. That is sooo three seasons ago. In the end, Jesse went back to the mansion with a kiss and a rose…oooh, the more I get of you the stranger it feels…yeaaaaah.

When all the dates were said and done, a few guys were left Ali-less for the week. Among them was Roberto, who is so far in the lead that he didn’t need it. Ali is ridiculously “fascinated” with every stupid thing he says and can’t stop giggling and blushing around him. I can’t stop rolling my eyes.

But while it’s Robert who Ali has the real 7th grade crush on, it’s Frank who keeps making it to first base. Having already secured a rose, Frank created some jealously among the other guys (who said they were going to throw up) when he and Ali were caught playing tonsil hockey. Previous seasons have proved that an easy way to upset the Bachelors is to steal one-on-one time when you’re already “safe”.

Before the night was over, Weatherman had one more opportunity to woo Ali. So, once again he decided to warn her about Craig M, telling that camera that if Craig gets a rose, then he will know for sure that there is no god. I can’t disagree. In the end, the Weatherman succeeded, Ali confronted Craig M and when he had nothing to say to her other than “uhhh, ahhh, urrrr,” she nixed him. She also nixed Tyler V and Chris H. Neither guy got any air time. Unfortunately, Chris H was my top pick, solely because he’s really pretty. But, at least he’s still single. Melissa…he’s from Vancouver…think you could set me up?

In the end, while my gut says true love isn’t in Ali’s future this season, I expect a significant amount of drama. Based on the previews, we can expect a some serious hanky panky, an emotionally disturbed bachelor, and a bachelor with a girlfriend. I’m lookin’ forward to it and I hope you are too!

Beth