The Bachelorette Week 5: Breaking Hearts and Breaking Necks

This week on the Bachelorette…

Ali broke Craig’s heart and nearly broke Justin’s neck in Istanbul.

After updating the audience on her quest for love, Ali commented that she has never felt better and that she feels that “nothing can go wrong at this point.” Then came a knock, knock, knock on the door and in walked a serious-looking Chris Harrison, pretending he didn’t have this next dramatic twist planned all season. He had something very important and “legit” to tell Ali. But to add to the drama, he wouldn’t spill the beans. Instead, he called Jessie, the Canadian make-up artist with a passion for Covergirl’s “Lime Alive” eye shadow, who vied for Jake’s heart last season.

The phone rang for an eternity, despite the fact that Jessie was sitting next to the phone in her Toronto living room with an ABC camera crew just waiting for the call. Ali nervously took the phone and tried to be cheerful as she began her conversation with Jessie. Jessie told Ali that one of the guys on the show has a girlfriend and that guy is…(dramatic pause)…Justin. Ali asked Jessie how she knew. Turns out that the girlfriend, Jessica, was sitting next to Jessie. Because all Canadians know each other? Jessie handed the phone to Jessica who told Ali her sad story about how she and Justin were in cahoots to use ABC / Ali to get Justin (well, “Rated R”) some publicity. She cried and Ali actually felt badly for the girl who tried to throw a wrench in the most important journey of her life. It was only when Jessica found out that Justin had yet another girlfriend that she decided to blow the whistle on him. She told Ali she was “sooory” and Ali thanked her for the information.

Ali discussed what to do with Chris Harrisson who said that he “just found out and came straight to tell (Ali).” Well, after he took the time to get Jessie and Jessica together in Toronto with a camera crew, but after that he ran right over!

Understandably, Ali was fit to be tied and marched down to the boys’ room to confront Justin. Chris Harrison egged Ali on as they walked to Justin’s room (“Stay strong and let him have it.” Make me some good TV.). Ali, who continues to be quick on her feet, pretended that she stopped by to thank the guys for being so understanding during this process. Then she threw a zinger at Justin. “It’s been a difficult road getting here so far. Ya know, Justin, it’s especially difficult for you because you probably really miss your girlfriend in Canada.” Take that! Justin, surprised, had no response and just walked out of the room, leaving a couple f-bombs in his wake.

Justin grabbed his man purse and took to the stairs to get away. However, given his clunky walking cast, Ali was easily able to get downstairs and cut him off outside of the hotel. Cornered and denied entrance into the nearest restaurant, he had no choice but to…walk through the hotel gardens and fountains to get away? Ali sat back and watched the bizarre getaway attempt and surprisingly, Justin eventually came hobbling back to explain. Justin explained that over the course of the show he became less and less interested in Ali and more interested in his old flame, Jessica. That made Ali feel really good about herself. Ali then asked Justin about his second girlfriend, wondering how he could hurt Jessica, “…this girl (he) ‘supposebly’ cares about.” Again with the “supposebly.” Pretty soon she’ll order a “samwich” and plan a date at a “punkin” patch and I’ll lose it. Anyway, Ali owned the conversation with Justin and after a good lip lashing, Justin walked away again. As we watched him clip clomp down the street we listened to phone messages Justin left for Jessica during filming that Jessica then sold to ABC. Smart girl.

Once that elimination decision was made for her, Ali could move along to her planned dates.

A date card arrived for Ty saying, “Let’s get steamy” and poor Craig was left as the only man not to receive a 1:1 date. To add insult to injury, Frank later received a second one-on-one date, leaving Craig grasping for straws…or oiled men. More on that later.

Ty and Ali spent their date at a market in Istanbul, walking hand-in-hand, until they made their way to the Turkish baths. They visited a male-only bath house in Instanbul where they rubbed each other down and took their relationship to “the next level.” It was hot and steamy and Ty started planning their Turkish honeymoon right then and there. After cleaning up they had a lovely, romantic dinner together but ran into a nearly disastrous road block when Ali started probing about Ty’s divorce. It turns out that a significant issue in his marriage was that he struggled with the fact that his wife worked. I’m not sure how he expected to keep food on the table as a dime-a-dozen Nashville aspiring country singer, but the fact that women can have careers was a recent revelation for Ty. Garsh, did you know there are even female CEOs? Ali’s Magic 8 Ball eyes made a reappearance and Ty quickly pulled his foot out of his mouth, explaining to Ali how much he has grown / changed since then. In the end, while concerned about the “traditional” marriage Ty is looking for, Ali gave him a rose and the two danced the night away on the streets of Istanbul.

Back at the hotel, the rest of the guys talked about…I don’t know…I couldn’t get past Craig’s bandana, basketball shorts and baby green (really, like “don’t know if it’s a boy or girl baby shower” green) striped v-neck Gap t-shirt, circa 1994.

The group date with Craig, Kirk, Roberto and Chris came next and Ali introduced the guys to a Turkish pastime…olive oil wrestling. Ali announced that the guys were going to wrestle four professional Turkish olive oil wrestlers. The goal is to get your opponent’s back to hit the ground first. So, the guys got greased up (with Ali’s help) and never had a chance with the professionals. But then Ali turned the guys on each other and they duked it out for a little one-on-one time with Ali. This game was clearly designed for Roberto (a stud muffin baseball player) to win. But unfortunately for Ali, where there’s a will, there’s a way and Craig’s will to have his first one-on-one time with Ali gave him the super-human strength he needed to defeat Roberto. Ali whisked Craig away on a boat ride while looking back longingly at Roberto. While this date wasn’t as awkward as Ali’s time with Chris N last week (“Uhhh…I like Mexican food.”), this boat ride was pretty darn awkward. Ali sat there, stiff as a board with hands folded in her lap, while Craig had his arm around her. There was little conversation and it didn’t get much better over dessert. ABC pulled out all the stops (again, intended for Roberto) and even had a fireworks show that evening…but there weren’t any between Craig and Ali! While Craig thinks there’s never an awkward moment with Ali and that they are always into each other, he is clearly solidly within the friend zone. Craig is funny, smart and nice. But in a show with olive oil wrestling and ridiculous bods, he didn’t stand a chance.

Frank, who said there’s no more romantic way to fall in love than to travel around the world (with a bunch of other dudes who are kissing your girl?), headed out for his second one-on-one date of the season, looking to rekindle that romance he once shared with Ali. The date began with a walk through the spice market where they bought an economy sized spice with an aphrodisiac in it in the hopes that their chemistry would return. They had a fabulous time together. They went rug shopping and Ali tried on “I Dream of Jeanie” outfits. Frank liked that. Then they were off to an underground cistern that I likened to the Phantom of the Opera’s lair. They waded through the water (creepy since it was dark) and dined on a platform in the middle of the water. They talked about some serious stuff, but my friends and I lost focus when Lindsey said, “Thumb ring.” And, in unison, the rest of us said, “Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah.” It’s a shame ‘cause Frank was so cute.

Ali broke the Bachelorette tradition the next night by announcing that there wouldn’t be a cocktail hour this week. She was so certain of her elimination decision and lack of desire to spend more awkward time with Craig that she just plowed ahead. She sent Craig home and then he kindly thanked her for the wonderful experience and told her what a great gal she is. And how did she respond? By saying, “Yeah, the romance just wasn’t there between us.” Yikes! Just say, “Thanks for playing.” Don’t tell the poor guy that you weren’t attracted to him! Geesh!

On to previews…they look pretty dramatic! Things get physical in Tahiti, Frank breaks Ali’s heart and Jake and Vienna make their first appearance since their “shocking’ breakup.

And do not despair fake drama fans. We are nearing the end of Ali’s journey, but we have much to look forward to after she hands out her final rose. After that magical day we will be introduced to a new show entitled, “The Bachelor Pad”…a cross between “The Bachelor” and “Big Brother”. The show will include contestants from past Bachelor / Bachelorette seasons and the best part is that some of my favorite crazies will be there! Remember Crazy Michelle? Like Ca-Ray-Z Michelle from Jake’s season, who made Jake kiss her and he looked like he was in physical pain? She’ll be there. So will Elizabeth, the girl who played games and refused to kiss Jake. He nixed her because she’s a nut, but she went home certain he was just upset that he wasn’t able to kiss her. We will also be reunited the girl from Jason’s season who thinks she’s really interesting, but when asked to share something about herself told us, “I like bears. All kinds of bears.” Some of our favorite villains will be there too, including Wes (Jillian’s country crooner) and Craig M (Ali’s creepy Canadian). Best cast member? The Weatherman! Yay, yay, yay!!!! I just can’t believe he’s signing up for more embarrassing moments. Can’t wait!

Until next week,
Beth