The Bachelor Week 5: Sin City and Silly Bands

This week on the Bachelor, Chris Harrison kicked things off by announcing that the girls would be leaving Los Angeles forever. If they had watched the last two seasons (and they did), they would have expected this. Remember Jake’s RV tour de California? Or Ali’s international tour of the “most romantic place(s) ever”?

Travels this season started in Sin City, where “Brad” (a.k.a. ABC) put the girls up in a fancy schmancy penthouse suite at the Aria hotel. Unfortunately, if you’re not on a date, you’re trapped in said suite, left only to look longingly out the floor-to-ceiling windows at the debauchery below.

Shawntel with an S, the funeral home director, got the first 1:1 date with Brad. He took her to an extremely high-end mall and told her to pick out whatever she wanted. He managed to pick the one girl who had never heard of any of the stores. What is this “Gucci” and “Prada” stuff? Fortunately, with the help of some price tags, she figured it out by the time they made their way to Fendi and made out like a bandit! But even so, Shawntel seemed to hold herself back (a little), actually trying dresses on to find the right one.

That’s when my friend Jordan asked, “Why even try things on? I would just start throwin’ it in my bag. I’m just gonna’ ebay it anyway.” Good point, Jordan. Shawntel caught on and left the mall unable to carry all of her bags. I could see the trouble brewing from a mile away…pretty sure the other girls would go bonkers when they saw her loot. Here was my favorite part of the big reveal…

Crazy Michelle: (looking at the shopping bags) How much money is sitting right here?
Shawntel: The bag is like 5,000 dollars.
Crazy Michelle: (death stare)
My friend, Jordan: During her trial this is the exact moment they’ll look to to prove it was premeditated murder.

Shawntel left the girls to stew in their juices while she got ready for part two of her date…in a Fendi dress and flip flops. She wasn’t kidding, she is a small town girl. Brad took Shawntel to dinner on the top of a building and she expressed to the camera her concern over sharing about her profession: funeral home director. But instead of waiting for Brad to ask, “What do you do?” she said, “So, there’s something you should know about me…” and continued to tell him about her job, her passion. That certainly was not necessary. Also not necessary? The following choice words she decided to share, while eating: embalming, leakage, orifices. Somehow Brad managed to keep his dinner down and Shawntel managed to take home a rose.

Next to the group date…and a race track with the girls, including Emily, who’s deceased fiancé was a racecar driver. Damn you ABC! Not only did you put sweet Emily in a small plane when her fiancé died in a plane, but you took her to a Vegas racetrack…the exact track where he crashed and ended his racing career. Emily put her helmet on, hopped in the car, shed a few tears took a spin around the track. While Brad feels intimidated by Emily and worries he won’t stack up against her ex (he won’t), Emily went ultimately took home a rose.

Emily just has to sit back and be loved. Some other girls are a little more forward, including Crazy Michelle who tries to seduce Brad every chance she gets. But it was Chantal who accidentally dropped the L word when she said, “It makes me love you even more. Not love. Like.” I think Brad took it to mean more than it should have. As my friend, Jordan, said, “I love everyone when I’m drunk!”

The Ashleys (dentist and nanny), who had become best buddies, got the first two-on-one date of the season. ”Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.” And again, because ABC has run out of creative date ides, just like Ali’s date with Roberto, they went to a show to perform. This time it was Cirque du Soleil’s Elvis show. Unlike Ali’s date with Roberto, Brad got to select which girl to take on the date, and kicked the other one to the curb before the opening act. In the end it was Nanny Ashley who wasn’t marriage material, and Dentist Ashley who got another chance to be normal. Nanny Ashley was a sweet, pretty girl, but came across as a little young to marry. Note to Nanny Ashley, if you’re trying to prove that you’re mature, marriage material…don’t wear a silly band with your cocktail dress.


After a phone call to his therapist, Brad was ready for the cocktail party and ended up getting rid of two girls we haven’t discussed yet this season. Shocker. But now that he has fewer girls pining after him, thing are bound to get emotional.

Next week, Costa Rica. See you there!
Beth

The Bachelor Week 4: Bored to Tears

This week on the Bachelor…I don’t really feel like writing about the Bachelor. The show was booooooring. Helicopters, hot tubs, tears, roses, bikinis, kisses, extra crazies, connections, therapists…ya know…the usual.

The only thing I would like to highlight about this week’s episode is that ABC is mean. In typical Bachelor fashion, we witnessed two torture dates. I’m fairly certain that during casting calls producers ask the candidates, “What is your biggest fear?” And then the producers design dates around those fears. Chantal had to go under water…afraid of water. Crazy "Will Kill You in Your Sleep" Michelle had to repel off the side of a tall building…afraid of heights. And previews show that they try to put Emily in a race car next week. Recall Emily’s race car driver fiancé died in a plane crash…and they already tortured the poor girl last week by putting her in a small plane. I don’t care if you torture Crazy Michelle, but don’t mess with sweet, Southern, Emily!

But what’s more exciting is this week’s real life Bacelor alumni sighting. That’s two sightings in a row! This time, my friend Erika ran into Tenley and Kiptyn in Park City, Utah and had a pretty hilarious interaction.

After enjoying a run down the mountain, Erika hit the base during the Sundance Film Festival. She spotted Tenley and Kiptyn holding hands and just “hanging out.” Erika skied over to the lovebirds and, disguised in her ski gear (helmet, goggles and all) and yelled, “The Bachelor! Hi Tenley! Hi Kiptyn!”

Now, if you follow the Bachelor, you would know that Tenley and Kiptyn are the two sweetest people in show history. So, thinking that a friend of theirs could have been hiding under all that ski gear, they said, “Hi! Who are we talking to?” To which Erika responded, “It’s Erika from Ohio!” Come on Erika, that doesn’t help. Erika proceeded to tell them what a fan of the show she is, how much she enjoyed watching the show, and how happy she was to see them happy. They chit chatted for a while and then Erika asked for a photo and a hug. She wanted to ask them out for a drink, but didn’t have the nerve. Bummer!




My favorite part of the story is that Erika saw numerous celebrities that weekend, given that it was the Sundance Film Festival. James Franco, Susan Sarandon…no big deal. Bachelor alumni? Big deal! Just another reason why I adore Erika. A girl after my own heart.

The Bachelor Week 3: So vampires can cry!

We kick-started this week’s adventures by reuniting with Ashley S, the southern first impression rose nanny. Brad took Ashley to a recording studio at Capital Records to record a song. Unfortunately, that song was Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose.” And extra unfortunately, they were both outrageously tone deaf. Really, I didn’t know God made singing voices that horrible.

But of course, after recording the song…enter Seal. Apparently Heidi Klum got sick of being a sugar mama and sent her baby daddy out to resurrect his career. I guess this seems more authentic than making him a guest judge on Project Runway. As Brad and Ashley listened to Seal perform, Ashley put her face right up against Brad, wishing and hoping that she would get a Kiss and a Rose…but not from on the grey. What’s that mean, anyway? Up until this moment (when I looked up the song’s lyrics), I always thought it was “grave” not “grey.” Not that a kiss from a grave would make much sense either.

After the private concert the two had a romantic dinner on the top of a building, where Ashley opened up about her father, who died of an aneurism. She shared with Brad how significant the song “Kiss from a Rose” was to her and her father. Coincidence? I think not. She got a rose. Cue the music…”Da da da da da da…baaaabyyyy, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.” And as they danced, they shared a kiss…thanks to a rose.

Back at the mansion the girls found out about the upcoming kick ass group date. The girls happily (except for Crazy Mommy Hair Stylist Michelle, who was pissed to be on another group date) hopped into a van to go greet a very sweaty pits Brad at an action movie set. Immediately Brad and some actors broke into an action skit a la Disney World’s Indiana Jones spectacular. Brad showed off his choreographed moves as men came from every angle to beat him up. He fake kicked their asses and finished it with a “Just another day at the office, ladies.”

Turns out the girls were going to film some action scenes of their own. Shawntel with an S, the funeral director, really stole the show with Brad. She had some bad ass action movie moves and therefore, she got some extra scenes, which included kissing…which included lots of tongue. That part wasn’t in the script.

After the action adventure everyone decided to cool off in the pool. Whatdayaknow, they all had bikinis on under their action adventure clothes. Convenient. Then Chantal with a C, the one who bitch-slapped Brad when she got out of the limo, started to cry at the pool party because she has to share Brad with all the girls. But she may have dug herself out of the hole by sharing with Brad her daddy issues. Daddy issues were clearly a priority at the casting call this season! Brad sweetly patted Chantal’s head and wiped the tears from her face. Good recovery, Chantal…she then got her kiss. But it was Shawntel with an S who went home with a rose that night.

Sweet southern belle Emily got the next one one-one date. She was described by a fellow bachelorette as an “Itsy bitsy Barbie doll with the soul of mother Theresa. So you can’t hate her.” In typical Bachelor style, ABC decided to torture Emily, whose fiancé died in a plane crash, by putting her in a small plane. And of course they had Brad say to her, “I hope planes don’t scare you.” Such jerks. They landed (safely, phew!) and found themselves on a picnic in a vineyard where Emily refused to open up to Brad and danced around the subject of her ex fiancé. The date continued to a romantic dinner in a barn where Brad kept trying to get Emily to open up…by pouring a lot of wine. Emily finally told her story, beautifully, and Brad handled it well…because he’s a pro since going to therapy. Cue the magical music and bring on the rose…and a few kisses. “The way I’m feeling right now is the way that people feel when they begin a future with somebody. I can see Emily as the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.” Very sweet.

After a visit from his therapist, Brad was ready for the cocktail party. Crazy Michelle continued to be crazy, Ashley the dentist started to show bits of jealousy, and Madison the Vampire politely excused herself from the show.
Madison sat down with Brad, removed her fangs, and explained to Brad why she felt the need to go home. My friend and I were excited to see how those fangs work. Turns out they snap off. So we went to amazon.com and searched for “realistic vampire fangs.” Bata bing, bata boom…fangs like Madison’s, the “#1 best selling custom fit Vampire fangs since 1993,” can be yours for the low price of $15.96. Now I know what I’m going to be for Halloween next year! Anyway, Brad asked Madison to consider staying, which she did for about 20 minutes before leaving during the rose ceremony. Good choice, Madison. I watched that Eclipse movie and it seems dating someone who isn’t a vampire would be really hard work! Brad should end up with a Wolverine instead.

In other news…blast from the past. This weekend I received a text message in the middle of the night from my good friend, Lindsey, reading, “Aaaaaaaah!!! Just ran into Kirk from the Bachelor at Imperial Room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I would have run over there in my jammies, but alas, Lindsey lives in Minneapolis and I…do not. I told her to take a picture for us.
Despite having a boyfriend she’s madly in love with, Lindsey admitted to rambling on to Kirk about what a Bachelor fan she is. So, since we last saw Kirk and his taxidermist father get rejected by Ali, he moved his hot bod from Madison, WI to Minneapolis, MN. According to Lindsay, he and his newly amped sex life are very happy there. Coodies.

Until next week!
Beth

The Bachelor Week 2: Connections, Catfights and Crazies

Ya know, I was disappointed when I heard Brad was going to be the Bachelor, thinking this season would be boring. Shame on me for losing my faith in ABC. All it takes is a dude with a hot bod and 25 desperate girls locked up in a mansion with a bunch of booze…and it’s magical every time.

Ashley the dentist got the first one-on-one date. Brad led her on a horror movie hike to a big switch in the words. She flipped it on and found herself in a creepy carnival. Repeat alert! Jake took the girls to a carnival. Remember that’s when “Don’t Kiss Me, Kiss Me Elizabeth” gave him the note about not kissing him. Anyway, Ashley loved pretending to be scared on the rides…holding Brad’s hand, grabbing his bulging biceps…can’t blame her. And Brad didn’t mind. He thinks Ashley is the entire package, and at this point, I agree. She’s intelligent, pretty, and he feels comfortable around her. They even opened up to each other about their mutual daddy issues. His “walls came down” and he said this was the “best date (he’s) been on …maybe, in years.” Brad, we all know that the only dates you’ve been on in the past four years were with your therapist, so I certainly hope so!

Meanwhile the next date card arrived at the mansion, at which the bikini bottom and tank top clad girls screamed and ran to the door. The date card read, “Let’s share something from the heart.” They’d better learn to share because 15 girls were signed up for this date. Michelle the crazy mommy hair stylist was pissed because it was her 30th birthday and she had to go on a date with 14 other women. I think she was expecting special treatment. I hear ya, Michelle. My 30th is in April and I’m gonna’ make sure it’s all…about…me. Like she said, it’s not like 29 or 31…it’s 30.

On to the group date and another repeat alert! Brad wanted to donate some time to the American Red Cross. Remember when Ali gave back by frolicking on the beach with a bunch of hottie patoties to make a Bachelorette calendar that no one bought? And remember when Ali and the boys made a music video for Barenaked Ladies and the Weatherman cried because he doesn’t know how to kiss a girl? Well merge those two dates together and that’s what we had tonight. These girls were to create silly vignette PSA’s for the Red Cross, encouraging people to give blood.

The girls got their scenes. Some were happy. Some were not. Some girls got bad costumes while others were hot. The poor little Rockette got the worst costume. She had to dress like a boy and wear a neck brace and arm casts. God I love this show. I started loving it more when crazy mommy hairdresser Michelle threw a 30th birthday pity party and then a catfight started brewing between manscaper Raichel and waitress Melissa.

While Brad dealt with the drama, Jackie found out about her one-on-one date. On their date they sped away in Brad’s silver rental sports car and drove to Rodeo Drive for “her very own Pretty Woman experience.”

I had a Pretty Woman experience once. Well, kinda'...not really. I was on a business trip to New York. I had flown into Jersey and my luggage was missing…and no one knew where it was. Unfortunately I needed to wear a suit the next morning, so a lost suitcase was unacceptable. I hopped on my bus to the city and by the time I got there I had a little over an hour to buy a suit and then take myself on a date to see Tarzan. This was the only evening I have ever loved Times Square. I got off my bus, looked around and saw an Ann Taylor on the corner. Usually, when sales ladies ask me if they can help me find anything, I answer with a polite, “No thank you. I’m just looking.” This time I was like, “Hell yes you can help me. This is my drama…I need to be business professional from head to toe…quickly because I have a date with Tarzan.” Like magic multiple ladies were throwing suits over the dressing room, getting me everything from shoes to jackets. It was so much fun…until I had to pay. But, I made it to Broadway, my suitcase arrived by midnight, I brushed my teeth, had makeup to wear and…returned almost all of the clothing the next day.

Fortunately Jackie’s Pretty Woman experience was better than mine. After a facial and hand massage (from Brad), she got to sort through racks of dresses and shoes, get her hair and makeup professionally done…all for a mystery evening. Then they got in a fancy car and drove to the Hollywood Bowl where the marquee said “For Jackie, Love Brad.” Hey now, be careful with the L word, Brad. This is how you got yourself in trouble last time! The duo finally talked during dinner and Jackie admitted she didn’t really date in college and that she’s only had two boyfriends in her whole life. Brad got creeped out by that and began to worry that she’s too cautious, but ultimately gave Jackie a rose. And after she got her rose, Train performed for them and they danced the night away. So, basically, Brad had to give her the rose or Train wouldn’t have had their moment in the Bachelor spotlight.

On to the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour. Crazy mommy hairdresser Michelle immediately pulled Brad away from the crowd to quiz him with bizarre questions. If there’s one thing I know from being a Bachelor junkie, it’s that stealing the Bachelor away at the cocktail hour when you already have a rose is a surefire way to piss off the other girls. I see girl trouble in Michelle’s future.

But then the real drama got going. We had the first awesome catfight and crazy tears. I saw a spot on the hard-hitting news I like to watch (I love Robin Roberts and GMA and I don’t care who knows it!) about what a turn-off crying girls are to guys. Melissa should have watched that spot before she went on the Bachelor. During her one-on-one time with Brad she cried and complained about Raichel…and then stopped to talk about her onion pizza breath. Extra sexy. If this girl gets a rose after telling her daddy on Raichel, then I quit dating. But instead of ignoring the drama, Brad, now a therapist and peer mediator, ran over Raichel to get her side of the dumb story. More tears.

Then…surprise…Ali and Roberto made an appearance. They came to help Brad with his decision and quiz the girls. Unfortunately Melissa also used her one-on-one time with Ali and Roberto to complain about how the girls are targeting her. Here’s another rule I’ve learned over the seasons. The girl who claims she’s being targeted…is targeted because all of the other girls realize that she is bat shit crazy.

On to the rose ceremony, where Brad had to send three girls home. He did well and sent home both of the trouble-makers: Manscaper Raichel and Bat Shit Crazy Melissa. He also sent home the Rockette, Keltie, who left the mansion thinking she’s terrible at dating and that she’s meant to be alone because this was her “last-ditch effort.” Keltie, if you’re out there…you’re cute. You simply got hosed by having to wear the neck brace and broken arm costume while the other girls showed off their tatas. And this isn’t your last-ditch effort…there’s always the Bachelor Pad!

The Bachelor Premiere: Womack is Back!

Finally, the time has come. After years of “intensive therapy” to deal with the daddy issues he never knew he had, Brad Womack who was a “broken man” when we last saw him is now a “changed man” and is back for a second round of Bachelor fun.

87% of the premiere of The Bachelor was focused on what a shameful person Brad Womack, once the “most hated man in America,” is. Recall it was Brad who, after 6 weeks of fake dating, was the one and only bachelor to choose…no one, leaving both DeAnna and Jenni ringless. “So what,” you say? Yeah, me too. All he did was deprive a live studio audience of a happy “After the Final Rose” show and save one girl from fake dating him for another 6 weeks until that show aired…at which point, like every other Bachelor, he would have broken her heart anyway. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think that’s much worse…at that point the girl has her heart broken, and her finger too, as ABC tries to pry the 5 carat sparkler she’s been sporting from her hand.

Let’s review the Bachelor success rate:

1. Alex Michel – chose Amanda Marsh
2. Aaron Buerge – chose Brooke Smith
3. Andrew Firestone – chose Jen Scheftt
4. Bob Guiney – chose Estella Gardinier
5. Jesse Palmer – chose Jessica Bowlin
6. Byron Velvick – chose Mary Delgado
7. Charlie O’Connell – chose Sarah Brice
8. Travis Lane Stork – Sarah Stone
9. Lorenzo Borghese – Jennifer Wilson
10. Andy Baldwin – chose Tessa Horst
11. Brad Womack – chose no one!
12. Matt Grand – chose Shayne Lamas
13. Jason Mesnick – chose Melissa Rycroft and then did take backs and picked Molly
14. Jake Pavelka – chose Vienna Girardi and…turned out to be a massive jerk.

Wanna’ know how many of those 13 gentlemen are still with the girl they gave that final rose to? Zero. Big fat zero. And since I’m good at math, I can tell you that’s a 0% success rate and 100% broken heart rate.

So I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that people made Brad feel like a jerk in need of therapy to figure out how to tear down the “walls” he had built. Geez Brad, maybe you do need therapy if you can be convinced you’re a terrible person for not fake proposing to one of 25 floozies you just met!

I say, Brad did those girls (DeAnna and Jenni) a favor! In fact, both girls are currently engaged to other guys. Guys they met in real life and have real relationships with. In a surprising twist during the premiere, Chris Harrison invited DeAnna and Jenni to give Brad a piece of their minds. They should have said, “Brad, thank you for letting me go. I’m so happy with my current fiancé and you did the right thing.”

Instead, Jenni brilliantly said, “Once they (the girls he’s about to meet) figure out you’re their bachelor, their guards are going to go up. If I knew that I was getting ready to go out with someone who had hurt someone in the past, my guard would go up.” Oh Jenni, we’ve all hurt people in the past and we’ve all been hurt. According to you, your options are either to put your guard up…or date the 40-yr-old virgin.

And as the girls told Brad how disappointed they were in him, he only apologized, telling them how “profoundly sorry” he was. Again and again and again. For what? And when the first contestant of the evening stepped out of the limo, she actually slapped Brad across the face, saying that was from “every woman in America.” Speak for yourself tootse! And Brad’s response? “I deserved that.” Oh this poor, poor guy. His therapist has done one helluva job making a sane guy crazy.

Anyway, on with the show. Let’s meet our ladies! Well, at least the most memorable, all of whom we’ll see next week as the drama unfolds.

1. Alli, a 24 year old apparel merchant from my home town of Columbus, Ohio. Rumor has it she works at Abercrombie & Fitch and went to Miami University with a dear friend of mine. I worked at Abercrombie’s headquarters for 5 days once. I was an audit intern with PwC. Basically, I walked in every morning (no badge, no security) and was greeted by a male model. He may have been shirtless, I can’t remember. Then I spent my day walking by R-rated posters and listening to that horrible music they play in the stores, which they pump through headquarters. It was like Chinese water torture. And I’ll never forget that that disk had about 10 songs on it, so every half hour I heard Celine Dion sing “I drove all night.” Their cafeteria was really tasty though. It was like a really fancy high school. Fancy because the food was awesome. High school because girls were wearing Britney Spears jeans and I could see their thongs as they sat on the lunch benches. Horrifying. Anyway, back to Alli, who made an impression with Brad by telling him that she was once dumped for having a big butt. Then she asked him if he could handle her bedonkadonk.

2. Ashley H, a 26 year old dentist who enjoys dancing around in her undies. At first she seems fun and pleasant, but isn’t there something about dentists being the unhappiest people in the world? Apparently she gets crazy.

3. Ashley S, a 26 year old nanny with a southern accent. Brad’s a sucker for a southern accent and a “friendly” girl who grabs his ass. Ashley got the “first impression rose.”

4. Britt, a 25 year old food writer. I can’t remember anything about her, but I like a girl who can eat and write. Basically, that’s a dream job.

5. Chantal, a 28 year old executive assistant. She’s the classy lady who slapped Brad on behalf of “every woman in America.”

6. Emily, a 24 year old mommy who lost her fiancé at age 19 in plane crash. Unbeknownst to her, she was preggers at the time and now has a beautiful little girl. I like Emily because she’s nice. Brad likes her because she’s pretty with a southern accent. Let’s see how much baggage she brings to the mansion. If she turns into a Tenley and talks about her ex constantly, I’ll change my mind about her.

7. Jackie, a 27 year old artist sang for Brad. Nuf said. The singers never last.

8. Keltie, a 28 year old Rockette got to stay because she told Brad, “I have so many moves I can teach you. I am bendy.”

9. Raichel, a 29 year old “manscaper.” I don’t want to talk about it.

10. Madison, a 25 year old model is also…a vampire. Or at least she thinks so. She literally had fangs glued to her teeth but acts like they’re real. Brad is a little afraid but thinks the fangs are hot. When she got her rose, she pretended to bite his neck. My friends and I were laughing about Madison as they left my house after our Bachelor viewing party. So as I hugged my friend Erika goodbye, I pulled a Madison. I added a hissing sound for effect. I thought she would be expecting it. She wasn’t. So I sent her home with a newfound fear of vampires…and of me.

So there you have it. The Bachelor premiere. Let’s hope that next week we can move past Brad’s past transgressions and focus on dentists and manscapers and vampires…oh my!

Beth