The Bachelorette Week 9: Fantasy Fiji

Ok, remember Solar Power Ryan? Remember how he was shocked when Ashley let him go. He was the only one who didn't see it coming; the only who who didn't see that they were lacking any chemistry. Well, Ryan didn’t feel like he and Ashley got a fair shake at love, so he called Chris Harrison and scored a free trip to Fiji in return for another broken heart.

Ashley arrived in Fiji for a week of romantic dates with Ben, JP and Constantine. But surprise, Ryan knocked on Ashley’s door, having traveled from California to see her again. He recited the speech he had rehearsed on his long journey to Fiji, asking her to spend some time with him in the next couple days, to see if a spark was still there. (Spark? What spark?) He asked her not to give him an answer right then and there, but to let him know if she wants to hang out.

So, he spent the next two days spying on Ashley as she went on dates with the guys she is attracted to.

The first slumber party in Fiji was with Ben. But before they could retire to their fantasy suite, they snuggled and slathered sunscreen all over each other (see photo, viewer discretion advised) on a beautiful yacht.


After cleaning up they were off to a dinner, where Ben said he was on his way to “the whole I love you thing.” As if Ben hadn’t already earned his fantasy suite card, that did it, and the two scurried off to the room. There, they hopped into the pool and Ashley got to use the underwater leg wraparound technique for the first time this season (but not the last!). She wore her second bathing suit of the day, but you know what they say, “Two swimsuits, one rose, one stays…nah, both go.” And Ben carried her away to the bedroom. End scene. At least, that’s an end to what we could see.

“Greek God” Constantine’s Fiji date was next. And since they hadn’t even French kissed yet, I was interested in seeing how this fantasy suite thing would develop. Their date included a Bachelor/Bachelorette staple…a helicopter ride. After taking to the air, they took to the water, jumping into a beautiful waterfall. But what Constantine won’t jump into is this relationship with Ashley.

Ashley noted that Constantine doesn’t make decisions quickly; he takes his time. For example, he looked at 102 houses before choosing one to buy. I found my house in 3 hours. Ashley's looking for a guy who house shops like me. A guy who thinks she’s a steal and is ready to hand over that down payment without looking any further. There’s likely going to be a better house going on the market soon, but it’s just not worth the wait and you can always remodel that flat chest, I mean, ugly bathroom.

Ashley confronted Constantine about his lack of desire to even put an offer in on the house. Constantine admitted that yes, he doesn’t even need another showing…he’s gonna’ keep house hunting. So Constantine bid Ashley adieu before she had the chance to offer him the fantasy suite card.

Meanwhile, Ryan was waiting to see if Ashley would give him a second chance. She knocked on Ryan’s door the next day and he could feel it, this was it. Unfortunately for Ryan, it wasn’t. Ashley reiterated to him that he’s perfect on paper but the passion is simply not there. And then she rubbed it in by telling him that she has that passion with someone else...two people, actually. And she's sooooo happy. So Ryan was sent home, his Fiji Fantasy Suite only a...well, fantasy.

Once that was taken care of, Ashley could continue with her final overnight date. It was JP’s turn for some x’s and o’s, which he received in the air (float plane) and sea (wading in the ocean). JP also got his turn with the underwater leg wraparound. It’s only fair. And because everyone knows how much I love calling out that signature Bachelorette move, at that moment a friend sent me a text saying, “Underwater Leg Wraparound!!!”

As the evening progressed, Ashley and JP made their way to the fantasy suite, where Ashley changed into a see-through night shirt. Then ABC excused themselves from the fantasy suite.

The next day, Chris Harrison and Ashley rehashed the events of the week. Ashley "...the most important thing I learned was, even at this stage, people can have a change of heart. Or people can realize that, you know, they're not ready to take the plunge, they're not ready to get engaged. Even. At. This. Point." Ashley, it's been two months! Only the normal guys aren't ready to get engaged. Even. At. This. Point.

"Next week I'm going to be engaged...hopefully. So, I think I need to find out sooner or later if the guys feel like they are ready for that with me." Oh, Ashley, Ashley, Ashley. I really hope for her that she finds lasting love with Ben or JP, but I see her choosing the guy who convinces her that they are more ready for an engagement, regardless of whether or not it will end in a happily ever after.

This can't be a recipe for success. But we'll find out next week on the season finale followed by "After the Final Rose." Before then, we have the bonus of the "Men tell all" on Sunday. The best part? Bentley will be there!

Until next week!
Beth

The Bachlorette Week 8: Hometown Dates with "Assley"

It’s hometown date week with our final four: Constantine, Ames, JP and Ben.


Hometown 1: Constantine’s Cumming, Georgia

Upon arriving in Georgia, Constantine took Ashley to his family’s Greek-inspired Italian American restaurant, where they made a pizza. Clearly in his element, Constatine showed his cute personality for the first time this season. The best part was the gaggle of waitresses who were spying on the pair as they shared a kiss on the restaurant patio. Awwwww.

Next it was off to Constantine’s Big Fat Greek family’s house for another meal. At first Constantine’s Greek family was small…just mom, dad, sister and a toy poodle in a dress. But then the flood gates opened and there were Greeks coming out of the woodwork, which made for an awesome dance party.


Ashley’s dancing skills impressed Constantine’s family, particularly his father, who would be delighted to have “Assley” become an honorary Greek family member. Considering Ashley loves to flaunt her…assets…this new nickname couldn’t be more appropriate.


Hometown 2: Ames’ Estate in Chadds Ford, Pensylvania

Ok, so, Ames grew up in a postcard. A beautiful property with horses and a river running through it. But it wasn't enough to woo Ashley.

While lounging in the indoor pool, Ames’ sister immediately got to the punch. Ames likes Ashley, but Ashley doesn’t like Ames (at least in THAT way). Asking Ashley how she feels about her brother, Ashley was very honest with Ames’ sister saying, yeah, I’m not there yet, but he’s an interesting guy and I want to get to know him better. Clearly, there is no spark, and I don’t see the passion appearing out of nowhere. But sister Serena did leave Ames with excellent advice…to step up the romance.

So, he did. He packed a gourmet picnic and took Ashley to a beautiful magnolia tree. It was lovely and Ames is so clearly a very special, very unique, very kind, very intelligent person…who happens to be a bad kisser. Done.


Post-picnic the pair took a horse-drawn carriage ride through the woods in an antique carriage. It was exactly like a scene from “The First Knight” as Guinevere is being delivered to Arthur. Wanna’ know how that ends up? Arthur is brilliant, he’s a leader, and he’s a king. He can give Guinevere anything she’s ever wanted for, except for passion. So she chooses Lancelot…she chooses lust. I’m afraid Ames is the Arthur in this fairytale. Who will be Lancelot? We’ll see!


Hometown #3: Winemaker Ben’s Sonoma, California

Another picture-perfect setting for a hometown date…Ben’s winery, where they thieved wine directly from Ben’s barrels before heading to Ben’s mother’s house. Good thing they were drinking because Ben freaked Ashley out before the trip home to meet mama, telling her that his mother and sister’s opinions are deal breaks. And let me tell ya, despite the fact that Ben’s sister signed him up for this show, she was a tough nut to crack.


I’m willing to place some bets that Ben is our Lancelot. And not just because of his Richard Gere hair.

Hometown #4: JP’s Roslyn, New York

From sea to shining sea. Ashley headed east to meet JP’s mama, but not until after their super rad 80’s roller skating date. Empty rink + disco ball + cheesy music + wine in paper cups = 7th grade make out session.

As we’ve learned before, JP has had his heart broken (badly) in the past. And he’s willing to risk heartbreak again for the chance at love with Ashley. But JP’s mama isn’t so sure…she doesn’t want to see her son destroyed again. So, she sat Ashley down and laid on the guilt trip…real thick.


In the end, it was no surprise that King Arthur (Ames) was sent home. And he exited the show with the poise and charm (and stiffness) that we have come to expect from (and love about) Ames. Ames wants to find love, and share his adventurous spirit with a wonderful woman. You'll find her, Ames. I'm sure of it!

Unfortunately he just isn't going to find her in Fiji, where Lancelot and the rest of the Knights of the Round Table will enjoy overnight dates and hot tub time with "Assley" next week.

But it looks as though Ashley has more drama headed her way before this fairy tale finds its happy ending. A return from a surprise bachelor and some tough love from a heavily tattooed sister.

See you in Figi!

Beth

The Bachelorette Week 7: Taiwhiney Taiwany

The pressure was on this week as Ashley and her six remaining bachelors made their way to Taiwan…their final destination before hometown dates.

The show got off to a great start when we saw Ames in much too short blue Adidas track pants, white nurse sneakers and a lumberjack flannel shirt. He’s really smart, but somehow he forgot that cameras would be following him around. Cameras that will televise whatever he’s wearing…for all of the single women of America to see.

But, even bad dressers deserve to find love, so let’s get back to it.

Ashley and Constantine spent the first day together, taking a train to a small village during a lantern festival. They spent their date talking about how slowly their relationship is developing…which was like watching a tea kettle boil. The tea kettle finally got luke warm and they shared a kiss or two.

Ben the wine maker got the next one-on-one date…and that tea kettle boiled. And made steam pour out of the other guys’ ears (especially JP’s) because Ben didn’t come back to the hotel that night! Tisk tisk tisk. But, I can’t really blame Ashley. Who wouldn’t want to spend the night with this?

Ben claimed they didn’t share a room, but ABC didn’t televise any part of the slumber party, so I think he was just sparing the other fellas’ feelings.

The group date was next, with Ames, JP and Lucas. And it was weird. So was Ames’ outfit…again. Let me explain. Gray cargo pants + blue long sleeve t-shirt with military details + blue Converse = ridiculous. The only excuse I can come up with is it they lost his luggage on the way to Taiwan. Let us pray.

Why was the date weird? Well, they went to a bridal district to take wedding photos. Weird weird weird. And even weirder is that Ashley said this would give her an idea of what it would be like to get married to the guys. Would it? Really?

After forcing the guys to wear ridiculous outfits…surprise, surprise…no one had any fun. They each complained to Ashley about how hard this is, how bad the day was and the Taiwhiniest of them all, JP, ended up getting the rose.

Mr. Positivity, Ryan, was having the best week ever when he got his very first long-awaited one-on-one date. Ryan was terribly excited about this date, thinking their relationship was peaches and cream. It wasn’t so peachy for Ashley, who wasn’t really excited about eco-Ryan’s lecture about tankless water heaters. Ryan was ready to install one in Ashley’s house, but she wasn’t “feeling it.” She let him go right then and there. He was so excited for this date, but instead, a dark cloud ruined Mr. Sunshine’s perfect day and he even…cursed!


Well, I know a little ray of sunshine named Beth and I know for a fact that she’s dying to have a tankless water heater before her 25 yr old energy guzzler explodes! Ryan. Call me! Seriously, he’s on Linked In…should I stalk?

We'd make a cute couple, right?





With just one more man to eliminate before the hometown dates, Ashley was sure of her decision and decided to bypass the cocktail party and get to the punch and say goodbye to Lucas. No love lost there, on either side.

So, since ratings are down 10% this season, Chris Harrison needed to carve 20 minutes of this episode out for last season’s “winner” Emily. While Chris says Emily and Brad seemed like they were “meant to be,” they are no longer together. Well, I’m shocked...that it took this long! I appreciate that Emily didn’t want the viewers to feel “lied to,” but really, two paragraphs in US Weekly would have been sufficient. But, now that she's dodged the Brad bullet, she's well positioned to be the next Bachelorette.


Next week we’ll be heading home with Constantine, JP, Ames (I can’t wait to visit his estate for some tea and crumpets!) and frontrunner Ben.

Looking forward to it!
Beth