The Bachelor weeks 6&7: Worst Dates Ever

We have two weeks to catch up on in preparation for Monday’s hometown dates.

I’ve been slow to write because I’ve found myself busy living in a real life Bachelor episode. Fortunately, those years of dedicated Bachelor viewing have really paid off as they’ve helped me to navigate this crazy love triangle. Whoever said reality TV is a waste of time?

Anyway, I don’t remember much from two weeks ago. I don’t remember much for three reasons.

1) It was almost two weeks ago

2) My girls couldn’t come over to watch the drama unfold, so instead of focusing, I alternated between watching the Bachelor and reading Tina Fey’s book, “Bossypants.” I’ll give you one guess which I found more enjoyable. To make sure we’re all on the same page here, Tina is funny. Ben is only funny looking. Tina’s book is awesome. Ben’s dates are awesomely bad.

3) Some friends came over halfway through the show, at which point we popped a bottle of champagne to toast to my friend’s new adventures in life…and that trumped Ben’s boring dates.

But from what I recall, here’s what happened…

Usually the dates on these dating shows are incredibly romantic, adventurous and fun. ABC just keeps topping each date with something more and more amazing. But this season, Ben keeps topping each date with something more and more torturous.

I thought two weeks ago was bad when he made the girls compete for more time with him in an uber-competitive softball game. I would have been oooooout if I had been on that date.

To quote Courtney the model, "Winning."

Losing

Since breaking my hand playing volleyball, I have sworn to never play team sports ever again. And no man, especially Ben, would be worth those flashbacks or the risk of getting more titanium in what I now call my "Wolverine Hand" and having to rock this bad-ass splint for another six weeks. At least my sister brought me a ring pop to bling up my busted hand and make me laugh about the ridiculousness of my situation.

My brother-in-law also came, with hand-related gifts in tow. Among them this amazing hand bird bath, which still makes me laugh every time I look at it sitting on my deck.

After high-fiving, praying and shaking hands with the hand bird bath we painted its nails. 'Cause when given nail polish and a hand bird bath, do you really have any other option?

And yes, I realize these are by far the most horrendous pictures of me ever taken. I share them with you because I trust you.

But back to the show....

Ben topped that ridiculous baseball game by taking Katie B on a survivor-themed boobie prize of a date. After a helicopter dropped the lovebirds off on an uninhabited island in Panama…oh no, they were all alone!

I mean, except for the camera guy, the microphone guy, the lighting guy. So they had the worst date of all time and literally pretended they were stranded, cutting down coconuts and fishing with a net. They did catch a fish but they likely threw it back. Then Kacie told us how “hot” been looked (“mmm mmm mmm”) while he tried to cut open a coconut with a machete to no avail. And I quote, “We lost the juice!”

It was awful to watch. Then after they miraculously made it off the deserted island, they had a nice dinner, over which Kacie confided in Ben that she used to have an eating disorder. It felt good for her to get it off her chest and Ben “makes it so easy.” So easy because he’s so dull. After pouring out her heart he said…nothing. He’s impressive.

Next Ben tortured all the ladies on the group date by taking them to a small village to don tribal gear and dance in the rain and mud with a bunch of scantily clad overweight tribal people. Of course, our dear friend Courtney the skinny dipping model decided not to wear her bikini top under the tribal gear, leaving her tatas somewhat exposed.

And to top it all off, she decided to “Shake it like Polaroid picture” all over the village.

Eh, it’s nothing Ben hasn’t seen before. But it is something he asked to see more of. Which Courtney, the skinny dipping model, happily agreed to.

What made this date extra terrible is that the girls had to hang out with Ben while he was wearing this:

This past week, Ben and the ladies took a romantic getaway to Belize. There were three one-on-one dates and one group date.

Ben took Lindzi (I still can’t get over that name) on a helicopter ride (shocking!) after which they jumped into the ocean. Lindzi and Ben had an “awesome” time. It was “awesome.” Awesome. Lindzi seems sweet, but dumb. She is also orange, as my friend Sam pointed out to me via text. To which I responded, “Oompa lumpa doompa dee do.”

Next Emily and Ben wandered around Belize. They tried to buy a lobster but the actor, I mean, the local lobster fisherman told them he was sold out. But, lo and behold, he offered to take Ben and Emily lobster fishing. They accepted (even though that's a terrible idea for a date) and Emily, who is a smart PhD candidate, got swept up in the silliness and said how she loves how spontaneous Ben is. Dear Emily, there was nothing spontaneous about that lobster hunt.

Anyway, they had some “spontaneous” fun and a lobster dinner. After this date, I thought Emily would be sticking around for next week’s hometown dates. But in the end, she’s simply going home.

The remaining girls all went on a group date swimming with sharks, which I'm sure is exactly what they were hoping for. Rachel monopolized Ben’s time by pretending to be scared. Clever, but it didn’t work and he sent her home, too.

What also didn’t work was the girls’ attempted intervention with Ben, warning him about how evil Courtney the model is. It has become quite clear to everyone except Ben that she doesn’t give a shit about him and just wants to win the game. Although, she did offer the cameras a few semi-convincing tears. But faces like this as the other girls discuss how much they care for Ben tell a different, and more truthful, story.

Yes, that's what my face looks like when I think about Ben, too.

Next week we’ll be heading home with Lindzi, Kacie, Nicki and Courtney.

Until then, I’ll be prepping for my own rose ceremony…wish me luck!

The Bachelor Week 5: Best of What's Around

A wise man named Dave Matthews once told me, “Turns out not where, but who you’re with, that really matters.”

It’s true, which is why, for the first time, I enjoyed watching the Bachelor this season…because my girlfriends came over to laugh with me...and sometimes laugh at me.

It is also why the Bachelorettes had a miserable week with boring Ben despite being on the beautiful island of Vieques in Puerto Rico. No location could make Ben an interesting Bachelor. It truly is who you're with that really matters.

Mr. Matthews also once said, “Funny the way it is, not right or wrong, somebody's heart is broken, and it becomes your favorite song.” I guess it is funny, and it kinda’ feels wrong, that I enjoy this horrible show that leaves so many hearts broken. And this from a girl who has been there, done that, many times.

But, while ABC makes millions off these ladies, I'm not amused by their pain. As I watch kind, beautiful girls like Elyse and Jennifer Rabbit (I liked her because she’s an accountant), who were both eliminated last week, cry over a zero-personality Josh Groban look-alike, I want to sing Dave’s words to them through the television.

“If you hold on tight, to what you think is your thing, you may find you’re missing all the rest.”

So, get over him, ladies! I have never seen a man so boring with hair that suffers so intensely from humidity as Ben. The more time you spend crying over him, the more time you’re spending missing all the better guys, better friends, better everything out there!

Really, this is what they're crying about?


Despite their initial grief, I expect that at this point, all of Ben’s castoffs are celebrating with their friends as they view these episodes. They must now be relieved that they got away from him and are laughing at themselves for crying. Dave tells us, “Celebrate we will, for life is short, but sweet for certain.” Sweet, sweet relief. Go celebrate!

And they must really be over him after watching him “Crash into” Courtney after she asked him to go skinny dipping with her. Despite being on national television and despite having “real” feelings and a “connection” with eight other girls sitting yards away, Ben accepted. “I’ll drink your poison if you fill the cup,” Dave says. So Ben drank it. And he liked it.

Well, I don’t like Ben. But I do like getting together with my girlfriends on Monday nights to laugh about him.

So, despite this boring season, we’ll “Make the best of what’s around,” and celebrate the best thing about this show…that it brings friends together for a few laughs. And you, my friends, are certainly, the very best of what’s around…

…especially when you block my view from the computer screen so I don’t accidentally see the season’s spoiler alerts you were google-ing!

Until next week, this ant has to go marching...

Beth

The Bachelor Weeks 3 & 4: Bored to Tears

Friends, I must apologize for bailing on you last week, but I’m struggling…struggling to find anything to write about this season because Ben is ridiculously boring.

Even now with two weeks under our belts, I don’t have much to say, despite ABC’s best efforts to add their touches of dramatic flair, such as:

The truly most dramatic rose ceremony ever! Last week we had one girl sobbing, one girl passing out (Erika, our ice capades costume donning law student/pageant queen),

...and a rejected girl from a previous season putting her heart on the line only to be rejected a second time.

It was Shawntel, the funeral home director from Brad Womack's season. You don't remember her? Oh, well, maybe this picture of her hometown date with Brad will jog your memory.

Yeah, Brad didn't like it...and either did Ben. Shawntel was uber confident that she and Brad had developed a "connection" before he started filming. She busted in on a rose ceremony and asked to be considered for a rose, but alas, Ben told her he didn't think it would be fair to the other girls. Excuses, excuses...all's fair in love and war!


To try to keep things entertaing, ABC has also thrown in some unusual exits from the show. Last week, Brittney (the gal who brought her grandma to the first rose ceremony) received an invitation to a one-on-one date...and rejected it. She opted to pack her bags and hop in that limo as soon as she saw a "connection" coming. That's a Bachelor first! But honestly, it shouldn't be the last. Brittney is the only gal smart enough to realize that Ben isn't worth her time.

We also had an interesting exit this week, when beauty queen Samantha spent her one-on-one time with Ben complaining that she had only been selected for group dates. What I'm sure she intended to say was, "I really like you and, while I'm having a blast on these groups dates, I'd love to get to know you better. I look forward to the potential for a one-on-one date so we can chat more in the future." Instead she came across as whiney and complainy and Ben didn't take it well. Actually, he obviously was looking for a way to get rid of this girl and jumped at the opportunity, telling her off and asking her to leave immediately. He was an ass. Samantha, you're better off! Go talk to Brittney and have her explain why Ben's not worth your tears.

So, why else am I so anti-Ben? While I may have swooned for a moment over his wine-maker gig, he's just not living up to the hype. He spends all of his time smooching the ladies, not only because they are beautiful, but because he is the worst conversationalist in the history of the world. I thought maybe I could blame it on the ladies, but no, that can't be. He has so many awkward-silence-filled lame-o conversations in each episode ("This is great." "Yeah, real great." "Super great." "It's great to be here.") and I realized the common denominator is Ben.

But maybe these girls are onto something. Maybe they've got dating figured out. Maybe I should start being dull on my dates. Perhaps I'm too chatty and interesting. I should just stare at my date and tell him how handsome he is and how "great" it is to be there and he'll give me a smooch and a rose. I'll try that and get back to you! Now I just need a date....

Wanna' know why else I don't like Ben? Well, my friend found a little music video that Ben published a few years ago. And it's icky. It's called "Cream Dreams" and here's a picture of Ben starring in his nasty low budget music video.

ABC is also making great use of its favorite attention grabber...the swimwear contest...in order to keep viewers from switching over to watch Gossip Girl instead (and I was tempted!). Obviously, every date needs to involve a hottub, but they went a little far with this doosie of a date...snow skiing down the streets of San Francisco. This really looked like a disaster (or an ice burn) waiting to happen, but somehow even the worst of skiers managed to make it through unscathed.

So, while Ben disappoints, ABC is relying on some brewing cat fights to keep the audience interested. But I'm already more interested in next season, which apparently will star Emily Maynard. Months have passed since Emily and Brad Womack called it quits and she's ready to find love.

We'll see what Ben and the gals have in store for us next week. They'll be heading to Puerto Rico and I'm praying things getting a little more dramatic. If nothing else, this show provides us with some great vacation ideas! I already have plans in the works to head to Napa and Park City (where they were this week).

Adios amigos,
Beth

A Night of Firsts

This week, the eighteen ladies joined Ben in his hometown of Sonoma for “A Night of Firsts” full of criers (3) and kisses (4).

First Date:

Cute as a button southerner, Kasey, got the first one-on-one date with Ben…a romantic stroll through the town of Sonoma. They visited little shops, they dined together, they paraded down the center of the street while Kasey twirled the baton. She claimed she did it when she was little. Semi true. She twirled the baton when she was little...

and in high school and in college for the University of Tennessee. My friend suggested I make a joke about Kasey's skill in handling long, hard, poles, but she's so cute, I can't do it. Well, I kinda' did.

Anyway, to complete the perfect first date, Kasey got the...





First Kiss:

The first real kiss went to Kasey the majorette, but a number of other Bachelorettes checked first kiss off of their list this week too, including Jennifer Rabbit (sounds like Jessica and she has red hair), Blakeley the “VIP cocktail waitress” and Courtney the model. Sidenote on Courtney the model (who isn't as nice as she pretends to Ben). She used to date the hot gardener who Gabby Solice had an affair with on the first season of Desperate Housewives. See proof.

First Group Date:

This date was kind of shitty, but like all dates, the girls had to squeal with delight as Ben announced that they would be putting on a play written by a bunch of third-graders. They spent their entire day auditioning and preparing for a performance of the play for the townsfolk of Sonoma. Bad date. And this comes from a girl who believes her true calling in life is the stage. Mom…”Imaginating Dramatics”…not gonna’ let that lost opportunity go.

First Swimming Pool “Chicken Fight”:
This is a big event of every Bachelor and Bachelorette season. The girls hop into their teenie weenie bikinis while fighting on each others' shoulders in the pool. Meanwhile, the Bachelor has the opportunity to check out all of the merchandise.

First Hot Tub Kiss:

This only happened because Ben’s conversation with Jennifer Rabbit the red head, was so dull that he had to end it as soon as possible with a kiss. Here's what they talked about...


Ben: Did you have a good time today?
Jennifer Rabbit: Yeah, I had a good time today.
Ben: I’m glad you had a good time today
Jennifer Rabbit: Yeah, I’m glad I had a good time today
Ben: I’m glad you’re glad you had a good time today.

Kiss her and make it stop!

First Ben "Betrayal":

Five minutes after Ben was avoiding conversation with Jennifer Rabbit with a game of tonsil hockey in the hot tub, he played the same game with Blakeley in the swimming pool. Jennifer Rabbit saw it all unfold, which sent her into a fit of tears, questioning their connection (my favorite over-used Bachelor/Bachelorette word). No worries, Jennifer Rabbit made it through for another round of craziness.

First Group Date Rose:
Apparently Blakely was the better kisser ‘cause she went home with the group date rose. Ben awarded the prize by saying that the rose went to the girl who “...really owned the day and the night (I bet!) and I felt made the most of her time with me in conversation." By the way, the only conversation that was aired between the two of them was about how well endowed she is.

First Repeat Rose Ceremony Breakdown:

I’m not sure why Jenna was crying…at least before she got kicked off. And you should have seen the tears when she got kicked off. “Are you kidding me right now? I’m shocked! I’m mortified.”

Jenna should have been crying because she made a complete ass of herself during her one-on-one time with Ben. Once again, she strung just a whole bunch of words together that aren’t really supposed to go together in that order. And I quote, this is what she said…

"If anything like I I am really thankful that you gave me another chance after the first night. And…I, I might wanna’ be honest a little bit. I just feel like ya know…(long pause)…I feel like I’m a guy in how I act and so like being around girls all the time, this is very abnormal for me. And what people saaaay…. And I don’t want you to think that I’m not, ‘cause I might appear as if I’m not (long pause)…it’s I mean it’s hard there’s only you, so it’s like waiting around for you and it’s totally worth it, but I just…I’m not like a girl, if that makes any sense."

It doesn't. Make any. Sense. All Ben said was, “I appreciate that.” But what he was thinking was, “Ooook, well, I’m looking for a girl, so, if that makes any sense, you’re out.” And then he was rescued by another Bachelorette, who whisked him away for normal conversation.

Needless to say, Jenna didn't make it past this rose ceremony. Neither did a girl I don't think I had seen before who had blonde hair on top and black hair underneath. It was a look. Not a good look. Just a look.

Next week the girls are heading a little south to San Francisco, where they will apparently be joined by Ben's ex-girlfriend. Yay!

Until next week,
Beth

Bachelor Ben Premiere: Bachelor Superlatives!

Welcome to a new season of The Bachelor! Ben the winemaker has healed from his heartache over Ashley and is now thankful that meeting her helped him to open his heart to love, to kiss prettier girls, and to bring more business to his winery (as I’m certain flocks of Bachelor devotees will make a pilgrimage there. Who wants to go to Sonoma with me!?!). If this doesn’t work out for Ben, we can expect to see him on my other favorite dating show, “The Millionaire Matchmaker,” sometime in the near future.

This post is quite a bit delayed, as I just returned from a week at sea, cruising in the new year with some great company. While on board, I discovered what the best part of cruises is. It’s the formal school picture booths that are set up at dinner time. For families cruising together, this is a great opportunity to get an annual photo. But for a single gal without the need for a portrait of herself to hang above the fireplace, it’s an amazing opportunity to take the most ridiculous photos possible using the hilarious scenery they set up.

Now, while some of the photographers got to know and enjoy my nightly game, others…not so amused. For example, Sergio from Russia…not too happy with me for using his sea-themed props for this shot I like to call, “She's the Catch of the Day.” I wish I could show you more, but due to surveillance cameras, we had to be stealth about taking this photo of a photo (totally against the rules, which were posted everywhere). My friend’s dad helped me to snap this shot, and my favorite part is his hands covering up the pic.

The next night, dreams came true, when I spotted a set with a piano, some sort of castle background and…a single red rose. Helloooooo Bachelorette photo shoot! I hope you enjoy these cheesy Bachelor-inspired shots.

As all Bachelor fans know, this first episode is when we watch a parade of 25 lovely ladies step out of a limo and try to charm the Bachelor in about 30 seconds, hoping to win more time together, and that oh-so-important “first impression rose.” Personally, I wouldn’t want anything to do with that first rose, as it makes the winner instant shark bait in the sea of desperate bachelorettes.

As we make our way tonight from 25 winemaker wife hopefuls to 18 over the course of a cocktail hour, I thought we could start a new Bachelor Premiere tradition to introduce you to the ladies…high school yearbook style…Bachelor Superlatives. Here we go…

Worst Dressed: Erika from Chicago takes the cake with this get-up she stole from the Ice Capades costume closet.

Worst Introduction: Also goes to Erika. And here's what she said. “My name is Erika. I am a law student from the Chicago area. The verdict is in and you are guilty…guilty of being sexy.” (Makes “click click” noise with tongue while shooting Ben with gun fingers)

Most Clever Introduction: Amber who introduces herself briefly heads inside and comes right back a second time. “Just in case you don’t believe in love at first sight, here’s your second chance.” Apparently Ben didn’t appreciate this joke, or the beautiful girl who said it, and he sent her home crying, wondering what she did wrong.

Most Insecure Bachelorette: Jenna’s introduction went like this… “I have to say, I loved what you said last season…that good things end badly.” Nope, that’s not what he said. Ben then correctly quoted himself. She was embarrassed and agonized over it until a conflict with the bully of the group (Monica, her award is forthcoming) distracts her. That is, until Jenna had the worst one-on-one time ever. Whatever she said made zero sense. But in some inexplicable way, it was endearing enough to win her a rose that evening. Ben probably wouldn’t have made that decision if he had heard her mental breakdown when she was talking to herself and sobbing in the bathroom.

Cockiest Bachelorette: Courtney the model from Cali. “Hey Cutie Pie. Come here often? I love your hair.” (runs fingers through his hair) Previews show she’s a witch and stirs up a lot of drama in the house. Courtney’s a little over-confident, not realizing that all of these women are model-gorgeous too…they just happen to have gone to college.

Dumbest Bachelorette: Samantha, the beauty queen. Well, if “Miss Pacific Palisades” counts. “Hi, I’m Samantha. I’m Miss Pacific Palisades. I don’t actually know how this happened (Huh? You don’t remember prancing on stage to win the title?) and I don’t have the answer to world peace either (or what the square root of 9 is) but I’m more than just a pageant girl (soooo…why did you lead with that foot?) and I’m sure you’re more than just the Bachelor (Nope. That’s it. Just the Bachelor). Perfect! (high-fives Ben) Awesome!”

Most Seemingly Normal Bachelorette: Jamie. “I don’t have anything cute or corny to tell you, but, (shrugging) I’m Jamie.”

Most Enviable Introduction: Brittney the Medical Sales Rep brought her really sweet and normal grandma along (who is on crutches with a broken foot for bonus points) to both confuse Ben (when Grandma steps out of the limo) and delight him (when Grandma says she would like him to meet her beautiful Granddaughter) while explaining their shared love of family.

Most Memorable Introduction: Lindzi (yes, I am spelling her name "correctly"), an equestrian, rode in on her horse, who she said was named “First Impression Rose.” This scheme won her comments from the other girls including, “Screw you and the horse you rode in on,” from the cocky model. They’re just jealous they didn’t get the first impression rose like Lindzi did!

Potentially Weirdest Bachelorette: Blakeley. Remember Casey from Ali’s season? The guy who was so intent on “guarding and protecting” Ali’s heart that he actually tattooed a big ugly shield and rose on his arm? Well, Ali kicked him to the curb the day he got inked (duh) and he went on to date Vienna, Jake Pavelka’s ex-fiance. Well, assuming that won’t work out, I found the girl for Casey. Blakeley the "VIP" cocktail waitress (she used to be a Hooters girl) has inked her entire forearm with a heart and a key to her heart, along with the words, “Love is Patient, Love is Kind."

Also, please note, that when I did a google search for a picture of Blakeley, some nearly nudie tudie Maxim pictures popped up. Nowwww I know what a VIP cocktail waitress means!

Most Sexually Confused Bachelorette: Monica, who decided she was more interested in Blakeley than in Ben. They both ended up with roses, so we'll see which relationship develops.

So, there you have it, some highlights from the premiere. Let's see what trouble these girls (who are already cat-fighting) will get into tomorrow evening. And as the previews show, we have some excellent breakdowns coming for our viewing pleasure, along with some fun travel and (crossing my fingers this isn't the case) a Bachelor being rejected as he offers the final rose.

Thanks for joining me as the drama unfolds!
Beth

Wine-Maker, Wine -Maker, Make Him a Match!

Well, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. And no, I don’t mean the Holidays, when we celebrate family, friends and God’s greatest gift…I mean, it’s time for a new season of the Bachelor! A time when we celebrate spending the next ten Mondays laughing and crying with 25 crazy ladies and the one "lucky" man!

I’ll be on a cruise during the big Jan 2nd premiere, but it's a Carnival ship, so basically it’s a floating Bachelor/Bachelorette episode.

So, until I return from my trip and catch up on what I missed, let’s kick things off with a little pre-season Bachelor-land update.

This season’s Bachelor is none other than wine-maker Ben Flajnak, our favorite Josh Groban look-alike (and no, this picture is not acceptable).

When we last saw Ben he was piiiiiiissed that Ashley picked JP and rejected his proposal while on bended-knee. But, as I pointed out, he was in the better position…likely able to seize the opportunity to become the Bachelor and pick a less-obnoxious woman.

I’m sure ABC threw some quality gals into his lot of 25 hopefuls, but from the looks of the previews, they also threw in Ben’s fair share of doosies. Lots of crazies who have decided they are in love with Ben (well, in love with the idea of owning a winery and living in Sonoma) before even meeting him.

Who knows how this adventure will turn out for Ben, and although the dismal track record, I always hold out a little hope that it turns out well. But what I do know for sure is that we’re going to have a great time!

How do I know this? Because of previews like this one that remind me of how empty and meaningless my Monday evenings have been since having to say goodbye to the crazy coeds on “The Bachelor Pad.” And did you watch that show? ‘Cause it was fantastic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5H4nf9XPEY&feature=related

And if you really want to get into the Bachelor spirit, here’s an extended promo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EUJs7_9Dj4

In other Bachelor-land news, Ali and Roberto have called it quits. This comes as a shock after they postponed their wedding 13.5 times.
Vienna and Casey, my (least) favorite Bachelor Pad-ers, have also broken up.
But thanks be to the Reality TV Gods, they will be appearing on a show called “Couples Therapy” on VH1 to try to work out their issues. Who votes it’s a fake breakup just to get back on TV!?! Me, me, me, me!

I will not be watching that ridiculousness. My reality TV heart is reserved for the Bachelor…and “Dance Moms,” but that’s another story.

Until next time, wishing you a very merry Christmas and a safe and happy new year!

Beth