Bachelor Ben Premiere: Bachelor Superlatives!

Welcome to a new season of The Bachelor! Ben the winemaker has healed from his heartache over Ashley and is now thankful that meeting her helped him to open his heart to love, to kiss prettier girls, and to bring more business to his winery (as I’m certain flocks of Bachelor devotees will make a pilgrimage there. Who wants to go to Sonoma with me!?!). If this doesn’t work out for Ben, we can expect to see him on my other favorite dating show, “The Millionaire Matchmaker,” sometime in the near future.

This post is quite a bit delayed, as I just returned from a week at sea, cruising in the new year with some great company. While on board, I discovered what the best part of cruises is. It’s the formal school picture booths that are set up at dinner time. For families cruising together, this is a great opportunity to get an annual photo. But for a single gal without the need for a portrait of herself to hang above the fireplace, it’s an amazing opportunity to take the most ridiculous photos possible using the hilarious scenery they set up.

Now, while some of the photographers got to know and enjoy my nightly game, others…not so amused. For example, Sergio from Russia…not too happy with me for using his sea-themed props for this shot I like to call, “She's the Catch of the Day.” I wish I could show you more, but due to surveillance cameras, we had to be stealth about taking this photo of a photo (totally against the rules, which were posted everywhere). My friend’s dad helped me to snap this shot, and my favorite part is his hands covering up the pic.

The next night, dreams came true, when I spotted a set with a piano, some sort of castle background and…a single red rose. Helloooooo Bachelorette photo shoot! I hope you enjoy these cheesy Bachelor-inspired shots.

As all Bachelor fans know, this first episode is when we watch a parade of 25 lovely ladies step out of a limo and try to charm the Bachelor in about 30 seconds, hoping to win more time together, and that oh-so-important “first impression rose.” Personally, I wouldn’t want anything to do with that first rose, as it makes the winner instant shark bait in the sea of desperate bachelorettes.

As we make our way tonight from 25 winemaker wife hopefuls to 18 over the course of a cocktail hour, I thought we could start a new Bachelor Premiere tradition to introduce you to the ladies…high school yearbook style…Bachelor Superlatives. Here we go…

Worst Dressed: Erika from Chicago takes the cake with this get-up she stole from the Ice Capades costume closet.

Worst Introduction: Also goes to Erika. And here's what she said. “My name is Erika. I am a law student from the Chicago area. The verdict is in and you are guilty…guilty of being sexy.” (Makes “click click” noise with tongue while shooting Ben with gun fingers)

Most Clever Introduction: Amber who introduces herself briefly heads inside and comes right back a second time. “Just in case you don’t believe in love at first sight, here’s your second chance.” Apparently Ben didn’t appreciate this joke, or the beautiful girl who said it, and he sent her home crying, wondering what she did wrong.

Most Insecure Bachelorette: Jenna’s introduction went like this… “I have to say, I loved what you said last season…that good things end badly.” Nope, that’s not what he said. Ben then correctly quoted himself. She was embarrassed and agonized over it until a conflict with the bully of the group (Monica, her award is forthcoming) distracts her. That is, until Jenna had the worst one-on-one time ever. Whatever she said made zero sense. But in some inexplicable way, it was endearing enough to win her a rose that evening. Ben probably wouldn’t have made that decision if he had heard her mental breakdown when she was talking to herself and sobbing in the bathroom.

Cockiest Bachelorette: Courtney the model from Cali. “Hey Cutie Pie. Come here often? I love your hair.” (runs fingers through his hair) Previews show she’s a witch and stirs up a lot of drama in the house. Courtney’s a little over-confident, not realizing that all of these women are model-gorgeous too…they just happen to have gone to college.

Dumbest Bachelorette: Samantha, the beauty queen. Well, if “Miss Pacific Palisades” counts. “Hi, I’m Samantha. I’m Miss Pacific Palisades. I don’t actually know how this happened (Huh? You don’t remember prancing on stage to win the title?) and I don’t have the answer to world peace either (or what the square root of 9 is) but I’m more than just a pageant girl (soooo…why did you lead with that foot?) and I’m sure you’re more than just the Bachelor (Nope. That’s it. Just the Bachelor). Perfect! (high-fives Ben) Awesome!”

Most Seemingly Normal Bachelorette: Jamie. “I don’t have anything cute or corny to tell you, but, (shrugging) I’m Jamie.”

Most Enviable Introduction: Brittney the Medical Sales Rep brought her really sweet and normal grandma along (who is on crutches with a broken foot for bonus points) to both confuse Ben (when Grandma steps out of the limo) and delight him (when Grandma says she would like him to meet her beautiful Granddaughter) while explaining their shared love of family.

Most Memorable Introduction: Lindzi (yes, I am spelling her name "correctly"), an equestrian, rode in on her horse, who she said was named “First Impression Rose.” This scheme won her comments from the other girls including, “Screw you and the horse you rode in on,” from the cocky model. They’re just jealous they didn’t get the first impression rose like Lindzi did!

Potentially Weirdest Bachelorette: Blakeley. Remember Casey from Ali’s season? The guy who was so intent on “guarding and protecting” Ali’s heart that he actually tattooed a big ugly shield and rose on his arm? Well, Ali kicked him to the curb the day he got inked (duh) and he went on to date Vienna, Jake Pavelka’s ex-fiance. Well, assuming that won’t work out, I found the girl for Casey. Blakeley the "VIP" cocktail waitress (she used to be a Hooters girl) has inked her entire forearm with a heart and a key to her heart, along with the words, “Love is Patient, Love is Kind."

Also, please note, that when I did a google search for a picture of Blakeley, some nearly nudie tudie Maxim pictures popped up. Nowwww I know what a VIP cocktail waitress means!

Most Sexually Confused Bachelorette: Monica, who decided she was more interested in Blakeley than in Ben. They both ended up with roses, so we'll see which relationship develops.

So, there you have it, some highlights from the premiere. Let's see what trouble these girls (who are already cat-fighting) will get into tomorrow evening. And as the previews show, we have some excellent breakdowns coming for our viewing pleasure, along with some fun travel and (crossing my fingers this isn't the case) a Bachelor being rejected as he offers the final rose.

Thanks for joining me as the drama unfolds!
Beth