1) To see if any cute, single Columbus men attended
2) To better understand the show that brings me such joy
3) To bring this, the inside story of Bachelor auditions, to you.
But before I get to that, you may have noticed, I have opted not to write about Emily Maynard’s journey as the Bachelorette. Why?
1) Because Boring Bachelor Ben zapped me of my Bachelor energy.
2) Because Boring Bachelorette Emily hasn’t done anything to re-energize me. Can the guy willing to be Ricki’s daddy please stand up so we can get this over with?
3) Because this season is depressing me. If this is the best 20 men ABC could find for America’s Bachelor Sweetheart, a woman who looks like a real-life version of Barbie, then I give up.
So, that said, unless things really pick up, don’t expect any updates, “y’all.” Now, back to the auditions.
How in the heck did this come about? Well, last Tuesday morning, an employee of mine came to my desk giggling…she had an “idea.” While I didn’t notice the announcement thanks to DVR’s ability to fast forward through commercials…she had heard of a Bachelor casting call on Wednesday afternoon in Ohio’s capital city, and my new home base. Barely able to speak through her laughter, she said I should go, to which I agreed as long as we found a group to go together. You may wonder why employee should offer such an idea. Well, it makes perfect sense because I told my group that if anyone led me to finding my future husband, then they would be instantly promoted.
The auditions would be held from 5-9 on Wednesday evening at a bar near downtown. Assuming women from all over Ohio would descend upon “The Loose Goose,” perhaps even camping out over night, we would pack up our bags at 5, powder our noses and hit the road before things got too crazy. I mean, this was big. Have you ever seen "American Idol" or "So you think you can dance." Those lines are so long! We didn't want to be there all night.
So, we stuck to our plan, powered off our computers at 5, ran downstairs to the gym to flat iron our hair and toss on an extra layer of mascara before caravanning to Goose, the newest “hotspot” in Columbus.
After finding the Goose, tucked behind a gas station in nothings-around-it Columbus, we were met by mandatory valet parking. How fancy! We handed off our keys and were ready to head in. But where? Where was the big line of screaming girls? Where were the hot men? Answer: nowhere. Apparently everyone fast forwards through the Bachelor commercials.
We waltzed right in and I was handed a Bachelor questionnaire. I was to take a seat somewhere in the bar to provide answers to questions about myself, including:
• Height, weight, eye color
• Hometown and occupation
• Dating history
• Why I am still single (really?)
• Do I want to have children
• Why I want to find love on the show (I don’t)
• Hobbies
I then turned in my completed questionnaire and was immediately taken for a mini photo shoot. It all happened so fast I didn’t have time to visit the hair and makeup stylists who were there from a local salon to help us get gussied up.
I was given a small dry erase board and was asked to put my name and phone number on it, holding it close to my face for a close up. Then we took a few more dry erase-less photos and I was sent inside and directly to the interview area.
There were four makeshift interview rooms, slightly more impressive than a voting booth, where, thanks to a simple black curtain, we could hear everything our neighbors were saying during their interviews. My neighbor was a ballerina from the Cincinnati Balet. So, A) that's embarassing for her...she actually drove 2 hrs to get there and B) If I did want to be on the show...shucks...Finance Director vs. Ballerina...which one sounds sexy to you?
Upon entering the interview "room" I was met with a young women who failed to introduce herself or tell me what to expect…until I introduced myself and asked her what to expect. I would hold my dry erase board up to my face once more while I told the camera my name, age, occupation, and hometown. Then let the interview begin. I was asked the following:
• What is your dating history?
• Why didn’t that relationship work out?
• What are your hobbies?
• Where is your favorite place you’ve traveled?
• Why do you want to be on this show?
I can’t remember what else I was asked, as it was all so uneventful and I knew I wasn’t providing anything juicy or casting-worthy. Both because that was my don't-cast-me plan and because I don't have anything juicy to share.
Before I knew it, the interview was over and I was off to enjoy everything else the audition space had to offer including the following vendors whose businesses were focused on personal development and self confidence.
They included:
• The Lion’s Den, an adult superstore there to make sure all potential bachelors and bachelorettes practice safe sex. Based on the looks of my competition, this offering was wise, as we certainly don’t need their STD’s or genetics to multiply.
• A mobile spray tan unit. Why not turn yourself Oompa Loompa orange just in time to get on camera and tell everyone you live in sunny…Ohio.
• A jeweler, who came with an inventory of excessively sized engagement rings. Ya know, just to twist that knife a little harder into the heart of a room full of SINGLE women! Wanna’ try on something you may never have? Go on, try it on. Cry, ladies.
• And last, but not least, a boob job doctor with a display of artificial enhancements for the women, and men, to poke and prod.
And there you have it. Other than a brief appearance by a former Columbus contestant (from Brad’s season), that’s all there was to it. I left date-less, boob-less and tan-less…but proud of myself for having had the courage to put myself out there…and sell my soul to ABC. They, of course, now own everything I told them and can use it to their liking. They, of course, won’t use any of my footage, as I didn’t have anything trashy to share.
 |
| I auditioned for "The Bachelor" and all I got was this t-shirt! |
No comments:
Post a Comment