Bachelorette Beth: The Casting Call!

I tried out for “The Bachelor.” To be clear, I would never ever ever be on the Bachelor (now, being The Bachelorette, that’s a different story), and recognize that I have a 0.00003% chance of being asked to be on it anyway. So why did I attend last week’s Bachelor casting call in Columbus? Three reasons:

1) To see if any cute, single Columbus men attended
2) To better understand the show that brings me such joy
3) To bring this, the inside story of Bachelor auditions, to you.

But before I get to that, you may have noticed, I have opted not to write about Emily Maynard’s journey as the Bachelorette. Why?

1) Because Boring Bachelor Ben zapped me of my Bachelor energy.
2) Because Boring Bachelorette Emily hasn’t done anything to re-energize me. Can the guy willing to be Ricki’s daddy please stand up so we can get this over with?
3) Because this season is depressing me. If this is the best 20 men ABC could find for America’s Bachelor Sweetheart, a woman who looks like a real-life version of Barbie, then I give up.

So, that said, unless things really pick up, don’t expect any updates, “y’all.” Now, back to the auditions.

How in the heck did this come about? Well, last Tuesday morning, an employee of mine came to my desk giggling…she had an “idea.” While I didn’t notice the announcement thanks to DVR’s ability to fast forward through commercials…she had heard of a Bachelor casting call on Wednesday afternoon in Ohio’s capital city, and my new home base. Barely able to speak through her laughter, she said I should go, to which I agreed as long as we found a group to go together. You may wonder why employee should offer such an idea. Well, it makes perfect sense because I told my group that if anyone led me to finding my future husband, then they would be instantly promoted.

The auditions would be held from 5-9 on Wednesday evening at a bar near downtown. Assuming women from all over Ohio would descend upon “The Loose Goose,” perhaps even camping out over night, we would pack up our bags at 5, powder our noses and hit the road before things got too crazy. I mean, this was big. Have you ever seen "American Idol" or "So you think you can dance." Those lines are so long! We didn't want to be there all night.

So, we stuck to our plan, powered off our computers at 5, ran downstairs to the gym to flat iron our hair and toss on an extra layer of mascara before caravanning to Goose, the newest “hotspot” in Columbus.

After finding the Goose, tucked behind a gas station in nothings-around-it Columbus, we were met by mandatory valet parking. How fancy! We handed off our keys and were ready to head in. But where? Where was the big line of screaming girls? Where were the hot men? Answer: nowhere. Apparently everyone fast forwards through the Bachelor commercials.

We waltzed right in and I was handed a Bachelor questionnaire. I was to take a seat somewhere in the bar to provide answers to questions about myself, including:

• Height, weight, eye color
• Hometown and occupation
• Dating history
• Why I am still single (really?)
• Do I want to have children
• Why I want to find love on the show (I don’t)
• Hobbies

I then turned in my completed questionnaire and was immediately taken for a mini photo shoot. It all happened so fast I didn’t have time to visit the hair and makeup stylists who were there from a local salon to help us get gussied up.

I was given a small dry erase board and was asked to put my name and phone number on it, holding it close to my face for a close up. Then we took a few more dry erase-less photos and I was sent inside and directly to the interview area.

There were four makeshift interview rooms, slightly more impressive than a voting booth, where, thanks to a simple black curtain, we could hear everything our neighbors were saying during their interviews. My neighbor was a ballerina from the Cincinnati Balet. So, A) that's embarassing for her...she actually drove 2 hrs to get there and B) If I did want to be on the show...shucks...Finance Director vs. Ballerina...which one sounds sexy to you?

Upon entering the interview "room" I was met with a young women who failed to introduce herself or tell me what to expect…until I introduced myself and asked her what to expect. I would hold my dry erase board up to my face once more while I told the camera my name, age, occupation, and hometown. Then let the interview begin. I was asked the following:

• What is your dating history?
• Why didn’t that relationship work out?
• What are your hobbies?
• Where is your favorite place you’ve traveled?
• Why do you want to be on this show?

I can’t remember what else I was asked, as it was all so uneventful and I knew I wasn’t providing anything juicy or casting-worthy. Both because that was my don't-cast-me plan and because I don't have anything juicy to share.

Before I knew it, the interview was over and I was off to enjoy everything else the audition space had to offer including the following vendors whose businesses were focused on personal development and self confidence.

They included:

• The Lion’s Den, an adult superstore there to make sure all potential bachelors and bachelorettes practice safe sex. Based on the looks of my competition, this offering was wise, as we certainly don’t need their STD’s or genetics to multiply.

• A mobile spray tan unit. Why not turn yourself Oompa Loompa orange just in time to get on camera and tell everyone you live in sunny…Ohio.

• A jeweler, who came with an inventory of excessively sized engagement rings. Ya know, just to twist that knife a little harder into the heart of a room full of SINGLE women! Wanna’ try on something you may never have? Go on, try it on. Cry, ladies.

• And last, but not least, a boob job doctor with a display of artificial enhancements for the women, and men, to poke and prod.

And there you have it. Other than a brief appearance by a former Columbus contestant (from Brad’s season), that’s all there was to it. I left date-less, boob-less and tan-less…but proud of myself for having had the courage to put myself out there…and sell my soul to ABC. They, of course, now own everything I told them and can use it to their liking. They, of course, won’t use any of my footage, as I didn’t have anything trashy to share.



I auditioned for "The Bachelor" and all I got was this t-shirt!

The Bachelor Week 8: Hometown Hoedown!

It’s hometown date night y’all!

The first Hometown Hoedown was with Lindzi. Ben met her at her family’s horse farm in Florida where they went on a carriage ride. She looked ridiculously country chic from head to toe, spurs and all. A style that makes me want to marry a southern boy. I rock some cowboy boots every now and again, but here in Ohio they tend to turn heads in a “huh?” kind of way.

Ben’s style was more country bumpkin than country chic. Not so cute.

Ben and Lindzi spent a nice afternoon / evening with Lindzi's parents, who, for the record, are fabulous. They competed in some carriage races (with the losers pulling the winners' carriage back to the house), had dinner and enjoyed smores over a campfire. Perfecto!

The next Hometown Hoedown was with Kacie B. And as we saw her walking into what had to be her high school football stadium, I saw baton twirling coming from a mile away. Recall Kacie was a majorette growing up and through college. What I wasn't expecting was the entire high school marching band. It was umm...an entrance alright!

After her performance, Kacie told Ben that the football stadium is named after her grandfather, who she really admired. She also told him how much she admired her grandparents' relationship and how much they taught her about love. She poured out her heart and soul and shared the story of her grandmother's passing. And Ben said, "Uh huh. That's great."

Wanna' know what's not great? Ben! Have I mentioned I don't care for him?

Ben, the Winemaker, then went to meet Kacie's anti-alcohol parents. While Kacie told them she's in love with Ben, they are skeptical, and rightfully so. They were very nice to Ben but he certainly ddidn't win them over! And I bet if they saw his youtube video, "Cream Dreams," they would be even less impressed.

Next Ben was off to Fort Worth, Texas for Hometown Hoedown number three, this time with Nicki. Their first stop was to a boot store. And the store was amazing...I need to go to Fort Worth immediately! After getting dolled up in their Texas gear, they moseyed over to the local saloon for a drink. Nicki thought Ben looked cute, but to be clear, I would have died a thousand deaths to be on a date with this guy...

Then off to Nicki's parents house, where Ben surprised me by being semi-charming. Either he's really comfortable with Nicki and she's the one, or he wasn't nervous because he's just not that into her. So, Ben won over Nicki's parents and I think Nicki's warm and inviting family helped Nicki score some much-needed bonus points with Ben.

Could Nicki be Ben's Southern Cinderella?

Last and least, Ben met Courtney in Scottsdale, Arizona for her Hometown HO-down.

Seeing Courtney with her family, hearing her tell them how much she cares for Ben, allllllmost convinced me she's a good person. But I know better.

And then Courtney took Ben to a park and she turned crazy. It's a park where she has always envisioned herself getting married. Then she forced him to write vows before they walked up the aisle to a pastor (?) for a fake wedding to recite said vows. They continued with the weird fake wedding, putting fake rings on each other's hands, kissing the bride, etc.

Honestly, I hope he ends up with Courtney. The other girls are too good for him.

In the end, the roses went to (in this order): Courtney (boooo), Lindzi, and Nicki. That left Kacie B, a season front-runner, broken-hearted. Ben offered Kacie nothing more than "I'm sorry," but I suspect it had something to do with her family's strong, conservative values.

He'll definitely be owing Kacie an explanation at the "After the Final Rose" show. And he'd better come up with something better than, "Well, the romantic overnight date nights were next and I was pretty sure you wouldn't put out."

My heart was breaking for Kacie as she cried in the limo, "I was stupid. Why am I not good enough? Like I don't get it." Kacie, you don't get it because it's not that you're not good enough. It's that you're way way way too good for him! In time she'll see that! And hopefully all of the other girls will too.

Until then, we get to go to Switzerland next weekend for a romantic getaway.

Have a good week!
Beth

The Bachelor weeks 6&7: Worst Dates Ever

We have two weeks to catch up on in preparation for Monday’s hometown dates.

I’ve been slow to write because I’ve found myself busy living in a real life Bachelor episode. Fortunately, those years of dedicated Bachelor viewing have really paid off as they’ve helped me to navigate this crazy love triangle. Whoever said reality TV is a waste of time?

Anyway, I don’t remember much from two weeks ago. I don’t remember much for three reasons.

1) It was almost two weeks ago

2) My girls couldn’t come over to watch the drama unfold, so instead of focusing, I alternated between watching the Bachelor and reading Tina Fey’s book, “Bossypants.” I’ll give you one guess which I found more enjoyable. To make sure we’re all on the same page here, Tina is funny. Ben is only funny looking. Tina’s book is awesome. Ben’s dates are awesomely bad.

3) Some friends came over halfway through the show, at which point we popped a bottle of champagne to toast to my friend’s new adventures in life…and that trumped Ben’s boring dates.

But from what I recall, here’s what happened…

Usually the dates on these dating shows are incredibly romantic, adventurous and fun. ABC just keeps topping each date with something more and more amazing. But this season, Ben keeps topping each date with something more and more torturous.

I thought two weeks ago was bad when he made the girls compete for more time with him in an uber-competitive softball game. I would have been oooooout if I had been on that date.

To quote Courtney the model, "Winning."

Losing

Since breaking my hand playing volleyball, I have sworn to never play team sports ever again. And no man, especially Ben, would be worth those flashbacks or the risk of getting more titanium in what I now call my "Wolverine Hand" and having to rock this bad-ass splint for another six weeks. At least my sister brought me a ring pop to bling up my busted hand and make me laugh about the ridiculousness of my situation.

My brother-in-law also came, with hand-related gifts in tow. Among them this amazing hand bird bath, which still makes me laugh every time I look at it sitting on my deck.

After high-fiving, praying and shaking hands with the hand bird bath we painted its nails. 'Cause when given nail polish and a hand bird bath, do you really have any other option?

And yes, I realize these are by far the most horrendous pictures of me ever taken. I share them with you because I trust you.

But back to the show....

Ben topped that ridiculous baseball game by taking Katie B on a survivor-themed boobie prize of a date. After a helicopter dropped the lovebirds off on an uninhabited island in Panama…oh no, they were all alone!

I mean, except for the camera guy, the microphone guy, the lighting guy. So they had the worst date of all time and literally pretended they were stranded, cutting down coconuts and fishing with a net. They did catch a fish but they likely threw it back. Then Kacie told us how “hot” been looked (“mmm mmm mmm”) while he tried to cut open a coconut with a machete to no avail. And I quote, “We lost the juice!”

It was awful to watch. Then after they miraculously made it off the deserted island, they had a nice dinner, over which Kacie confided in Ben that she used to have an eating disorder. It felt good for her to get it off her chest and Ben “makes it so easy.” So easy because he’s so dull. After pouring out her heart he said…nothing. He’s impressive.

Next Ben tortured all the ladies on the group date by taking them to a small village to don tribal gear and dance in the rain and mud with a bunch of scantily clad overweight tribal people. Of course, our dear friend Courtney the skinny dipping model decided not to wear her bikini top under the tribal gear, leaving her tatas somewhat exposed.

And to top it all off, she decided to “Shake it like Polaroid picture” all over the village.

Eh, it’s nothing Ben hasn’t seen before. But it is something he asked to see more of. Which Courtney, the skinny dipping model, happily agreed to.

What made this date extra terrible is that the girls had to hang out with Ben while he was wearing this:

This past week, Ben and the ladies took a romantic getaway to Belize. There were three one-on-one dates and one group date.

Ben took Lindzi (I still can’t get over that name) on a helicopter ride (shocking!) after which they jumped into the ocean. Lindzi and Ben had an “awesome” time. It was “awesome.” Awesome. Lindzi seems sweet, but dumb. She is also orange, as my friend Sam pointed out to me via text. To which I responded, “Oompa lumpa doompa dee do.”

Next Emily and Ben wandered around Belize. They tried to buy a lobster but the actor, I mean, the local lobster fisherman told them he was sold out. But, lo and behold, he offered to take Ben and Emily lobster fishing. They accepted (even though that's a terrible idea for a date) and Emily, who is a smart PhD candidate, got swept up in the silliness and said how she loves how spontaneous Ben is. Dear Emily, there was nothing spontaneous about that lobster hunt.

Anyway, they had some “spontaneous” fun and a lobster dinner. After this date, I thought Emily would be sticking around for next week’s hometown dates. But in the end, she’s simply going home.

The remaining girls all went on a group date swimming with sharks, which I'm sure is exactly what they were hoping for. Rachel monopolized Ben’s time by pretending to be scared. Clever, but it didn’t work and he sent her home, too.

What also didn’t work was the girls’ attempted intervention with Ben, warning him about how evil Courtney the model is. It has become quite clear to everyone except Ben that she doesn’t give a shit about him and just wants to win the game. Although, she did offer the cameras a few semi-convincing tears. But faces like this as the other girls discuss how much they care for Ben tell a different, and more truthful, story.

Yes, that's what my face looks like when I think about Ben, too.

Next week we’ll be heading home with Lindzi, Kacie, Nicki and Courtney.

Until then, I’ll be prepping for my own rose ceremony…wish me luck!

The Bachelor Week 5: Best of What's Around

A wise man named Dave Matthews once told me, “Turns out not where, but who you’re with, that really matters.”

It’s true, which is why, for the first time, I enjoyed watching the Bachelor this season…because my girlfriends came over to laugh with me...and sometimes laugh at me.

It is also why the Bachelorettes had a miserable week with boring Ben despite being on the beautiful island of Vieques in Puerto Rico. No location could make Ben an interesting Bachelor. It truly is who you're with that really matters.

Mr. Matthews also once said, “Funny the way it is, not right or wrong, somebody's heart is broken, and it becomes your favorite song.” I guess it is funny, and it kinda’ feels wrong, that I enjoy this horrible show that leaves so many hearts broken. And this from a girl who has been there, done that, many times.

But, while ABC makes millions off these ladies, I'm not amused by their pain. As I watch kind, beautiful girls like Elyse and Jennifer Rabbit (I liked her because she’s an accountant), who were both eliminated last week, cry over a zero-personality Josh Groban look-alike, I want to sing Dave’s words to them through the television.

“If you hold on tight, to what you think is your thing, you may find you’re missing all the rest.”

So, get over him, ladies! I have never seen a man so boring with hair that suffers so intensely from humidity as Ben. The more time you spend crying over him, the more time you’re spending missing all the better guys, better friends, better everything out there!

Really, this is what they're crying about?


Despite their initial grief, I expect that at this point, all of Ben’s castoffs are celebrating with their friends as they view these episodes. They must now be relieved that they got away from him and are laughing at themselves for crying. Dave tells us, “Celebrate we will, for life is short, but sweet for certain.” Sweet, sweet relief. Go celebrate!

And they must really be over him after watching him “Crash into” Courtney after she asked him to go skinny dipping with her. Despite being on national television and despite having “real” feelings and a “connection” with eight other girls sitting yards away, Ben accepted. “I’ll drink your poison if you fill the cup,” Dave says. So Ben drank it. And he liked it.

Well, I don’t like Ben. But I do like getting together with my girlfriends on Monday nights to laugh about him.

So, despite this boring season, we’ll “Make the best of what’s around,” and celebrate the best thing about this show…that it brings friends together for a few laughs. And you, my friends, are certainly, the very best of what’s around…

…especially when you block my view from the computer screen so I don’t accidentally see the season’s spoiler alerts you were google-ing!

Until next week, this ant has to go marching...

Beth

The Bachelor Weeks 3 & 4: Bored to Tears

Friends, I must apologize for bailing on you last week, but I’m struggling…struggling to find anything to write about this season because Ben is ridiculously boring.

Even now with two weeks under our belts, I don’t have much to say, despite ABC’s best efforts to add their touches of dramatic flair, such as:

The truly most dramatic rose ceremony ever! Last week we had one girl sobbing, one girl passing out (Erika, our ice capades costume donning law student/pageant queen),

...and a rejected girl from a previous season putting her heart on the line only to be rejected a second time.

It was Shawntel, the funeral home director from Brad Womack's season. You don't remember her? Oh, well, maybe this picture of her hometown date with Brad will jog your memory.

Yeah, Brad didn't like it...and either did Ben. Shawntel was uber confident that she and Brad had developed a "connection" before he started filming. She busted in on a rose ceremony and asked to be considered for a rose, but alas, Ben told her he didn't think it would be fair to the other girls. Excuses, excuses...all's fair in love and war!


To try to keep things entertaing, ABC has also thrown in some unusual exits from the show. Last week, Brittney (the gal who brought her grandma to the first rose ceremony) received an invitation to a one-on-one date...and rejected it. She opted to pack her bags and hop in that limo as soon as she saw a "connection" coming. That's a Bachelor first! But honestly, it shouldn't be the last. Brittney is the only gal smart enough to realize that Ben isn't worth her time.

We also had an interesting exit this week, when beauty queen Samantha spent her one-on-one time with Ben complaining that she had only been selected for group dates. What I'm sure she intended to say was, "I really like you and, while I'm having a blast on these groups dates, I'd love to get to know you better. I look forward to the potential for a one-on-one date so we can chat more in the future." Instead she came across as whiney and complainy and Ben didn't take it well. Actually, he obviously was looking for a way to get rid of this girl and jumped at the opportunity, telling her off and asking her to leave immediately. He was an ass. Samantha, you're better off! Go talk to Brittney and have her explain why Ben's not worth your tears.

So, why else am I so anti-Ben? While I may have swooned for a moment over his wine-maker gig, he's just not living up to the hype. He spends all of his time smooching the ladies, not only because they are beautiful, but because he is the worst conversationalist in the history of the world. I thought maybe I could blame it on the ladies, but no, that can't be. He has so many awkward-silence-filled lame-o conversations in each episode ("This is great." "Yeah, real great." "Super great." "It's great to be here.") and I realized the common denominator is Ben.

But maybe these girls are onto something. Maybe they've got dating figured out. Maybe I should start being dull on my dates. Perhaps I'm too chatty and interesting. I should just stare at my date and tell him how handsome he is and how "great" it is to be there and he'll give me a smooch and a rose. I'll try that and get back to you! Now I just need a date....

Wanna' know why else I don't like Ben? Well, my friend found a little music video that Ben published a few years ago. And it's icky. It's called "Cream Dreams" and here's a picture of Ben starring in his nasty low budget music video.

ABC is also making great use of its favorite attention grabber...the swimwear contest...in order to keep viewers from switching over to watch Gossip Girl instead (and I was tempted!). Obviously, every date needs to involve a hottub, but they went a little far with this doosie of a date...snow skiing down the streets of San Francisco. This really looked like a disaster (or an ice burn) waiting to happen, but somehow even the worst of skiers managed to make it through unscathed.

So, while Ben disappoints, ABC is relying on some brewing cat fights to keep the audience interested. But I'm already more interested in next season, which apparently will star Emily Maynard. Months have passed since Emily and Brad Womack called it quits and she's ready to find love.

We'll see what Ben and the gals have in store for us next week. They'll be heading to Puerto Rico and I'm praying things getting a little more dramatic. If nothing else, this show provides us with some great vacation ideas! I already have plans in the works to head to Napa and Park City (where they were this week).

Adios amigos,
Beth

A Night of Firsts

This week, the eighteen ladies joined Ben in his hometown of Sonoma for “A Night of Firsts” full of criers (3) and kisses (4).

First Date:

Cute as a button southerner, Kasey, got the first one-on-one date with Ben…a romantic stroll through the town of Sonoma. They visited little shops, they dined together, they paraded down the center of the street while Kasey twirled the baton. She claimed she did it when she was little. Semi true. She twirled the baton when she was little...

and in high school and in college for the University of Tennessee. My friend suggested I make a joke about Kasey's skill in handling long, hard, poles, but she's so cute, I can't do it. Well, I kinda' did.

Anyway, to complete the perfect first date, Kasey got the...





First Kiss:

The first real kiss went to Kasey the majorette, but a number of other Bachelorettes checked first kiss off of their list this week too, including Jennifer Rabbit (sounds like Jessica and she has red hair), Blakeley the “VIP cocktail waitress” and Courtney the model. Sidenote on Courtney the model (who isn't as nice as she pretends to Ben). She used to date the hot gardener who Gabby Solice had an affair with on the first season of Desperate Housewives. See proof.

First Group Date:

This date was kind of shitty, but like all dates, the girls had to squeal with delight as Ben announced that they would be putting on a play written by a bunch of third-graders. They spent their entire day auditioning and preparing for a performance of the play for the townsfolk of Sonoma. Bad date. And this comes from a girl who believes her true calling in life is the stage. Mom…”Imaginating Dramatics”…not gonna’ let that lost opportunity go.

First Swimming Pool “Chicken Fight”:
This is a big event of every Bachelor and Bachelorette season. The girls hop into their teenie weenie bikinis while fighting on each others' shoulders in the pool. Meanwhile, the Bachelor has the opportunity to check out all of the merchandise.

First Hot Tub Kiss:

This only happened because Ben’s conversation with Jennifer Rabbit the red head, was so dull that he had to end it as soon as possible with a kiss. Here's what they talked about...


Ben: Did you have a good time today?
Jennifer Rabbit: Yeah, I had a good time today.
Ben: I’m glad you had a good time today
Jennifer Rabbit: Yeah, I’m glad I had a good time today
Ben: I’m glad you’re glad you had a good time today.

Kiss her and make it stop!

First Ben "Betrayal":

Five minutes after Ben was avoiding conversation with Jennifer Rabbit with a game of tonsil hockey in the hot tub, he played the same game with Blakeley in the swimming pool. Jennifer Rabbit saw it all unfold, which sent her into a fit of tears, questioning their connection (my favorite over-used Bachelor/Bachelorette word). No worries, Jennifer Rabbit made it through for another round of craziness.

First Group Date Rose:
Apparently Blakely was the better kisser ‘cause she went home with the group date rose. Ben awarded the prize by saying that the rose went to the girl who “...really owned the day and the night (I bet!) and I felt made the most of her time with me in conversation." By the way, the only conversation that was aired between the two of them was about how well endowed she is.

First Repeat Rose Ceremony Breakdown:

I’m not sure why Jenna was crying…at least before she got kicked off. And you should have seen the tears when she got kicked off. “Are you kidding me right now? I’m shocked! I’m mortified.”

Jenna should have been crying because she made a complete ass of herself during her one-on-one time with Ben. Once again, she strung just a whole bunch of words together that aren’t really supposed to go together in that order. And I quote, this is what she said…

"If anything like I I am really thankful that you gave me another chance after the first night. And…I, I might wanna’ be honest a little bit. I just feel like ya know…(long pause)…I feel like I’m a guy in how I act and so like being around girls all the time, this is very abnormal for me. And what people saaaay…. And I don’t want you to think that I’m not, ‘cause I might appear as if I’m not (long pause)…it’s I mean it’s hard there’s only you, so it’s like waiting around for you and it’s totally worth it, but I just…I’m not like a girl, if that makes any sense."

It doesn't. Make any. Sense. All Ben said was, “I appreciate that.” But what he was thinking was, “Ooook, well, I’m looking for a girl, so, if that makes any sense, you’re out.” And then he was rescued by another Bachelorette, who whisked him away for normal conversation.

Needless to say, Jenna didn't make it past this rose ceremony. Neither did a girl I don't think I had seen before who had blonde hair on top and black hair underneath. It was a look. Not a good look. Just a look.

Next week the girls are heading a little south to San Francisco, where they will apparently be joined by Ben's ex-girlfriend. Yay!

Until next week,
Beth

Bachelor Ben Premiere: Bachelor Superlatives!

Welcome to a new season of The Bachelor! Ben the winemaker has healed from his heartache over Ashley and is now thankful that meeting her helped him to open his heart to love, to kiss prettier girls, and to bring more business to his winery (as I’m certain flocks of Bachelor devotees will make a pilgrimage there. Who wants to go to Sonoma with me!?!). If this doesn’t work out for Ben, we can expect to see him on my other favorite dating show, “The Millionaire Matchmaker,” sometime in the near future.

This post is quite a bit delayed, as I just returned from a week at sea, cruising in the new year with some great company. While on board, I discovered what the best part of cruises is. It’s the formal school picture booths that are set up at dinner time. For families cruising together, this is a great opportunity to get an annual photo. But for a single gal without the need for a portrait of herself to hang above the fireplace, it’s an amazing opportunity to take the most ridiculous photos possible using the hilarious scenery they set up.

Now, while some of the photographers got to know and enjoy my nightly game, others…not so amused. For example, Sergio from Russia…not too happy with me for using his sea-themed props for this shot I like to call, “She's the Catch of the Day.” I wish I could show you more, but due to surveillance cameras, we had to be stealth about taking this photo of a photo (totally against the rules, which were posted everywhere). My friend’s dad helped me to snap this shot, and my favorite part is his hands covering up the pic.

The next night, dreams came true, when I spotted a set with a piano, some sort of castle background and…a single red rose. Helloooooo Bachelorette photo shoot! I hope you enjoy these cheesy Bachelor-inspired shots.

As all Bachelor fans know, this first episode is when we watch a parade of 25 lovely ladies step out of a limo and try to charm the Bachelor in about 30 seconds, hoping to win more time together, and that oh-so-important “first impression rose.” Personally, I wouldn’t want anything to do with that first rose, as it makes the winner instant shark bait in the sea of desperate bachelorettes.

As we make our way tonight from 25 winemaker wife hopefuls to 18 over the course of a cocktail hour, I thought we could start a new Bachelor Premiere tradition to introduce you to the ladies…high school yearbook style…Bachelor Superlatives. Here we go…

Worst Dressed: Erika from Chicago takes the cake with this get-up she stole from the Ice Capades costume closet.

Worst Introduction: Also goes to Erika. And here's what she said. “My name is Erika. I am a law student from the Chicago area. The verdict is in and you are guilty…guilty of being sexy.” (Makes “click click” noise with tongue while shooting Ben with gun fingers)

Most Clever Introduction: Amber who introduces herself briefly heads inside and comes right back a second time. “Just in case you don’t believe in love at first sight, here’s your second chance.” Apparently Ben didn’t appreciate this joke, or the beautiful girl who said it, and he sent her home crying, wondering what she did wrong.

Most Insecure Bachelorette: Jenna’s introduction went like this… “I have to say, I loved what you said last season…that good things end badly.” Nope, that’s not what he said. Ben then correctly quoted himself. She was embarrassed and agonized over it until a conflict with the bully of the group (Monica, her award is forthcoming) distracts her. That is, until Jenna had the worst one-on-one time ever. Whatever she said made zero sense. But in some inexplicable way, it was endearing enough to win her a rose that evening. Ben probably wouldn’t have made that decision if he had heard her mental breakdown when she was talking to herself and sobbing in the bathroom.

Cockiest Bachelorette: Courtney the model from Cali. “Hey Cutie Pie. Come here often? I love your hair.” (runs fingers through his hair) Previews show she’s a witch and stirs up a lot of drama in the house. Courtney’s a little over-confident, not realizing that all of these women are model-gorgeous too…they just happen to have gone to college.

Dumbest Bachelorette: Samantha, the beauty queen. Well, if “Miss Pacific Palisades” counts. “Hi, I’m Samantha. I’m Miss Pacific Palisades. I don’t actually know how this happened (Huh? You don’t remember prancing on stage to win the title?) and I don’t have the answer to world peace either (or what the square root of 9 is) but I’m more than just a pageant girl (soooo…why did you lead with that foot?) and I’m sure you’re more than just the Bachelor (Nope. That’s it. Just the Bachelor). Perfect! (high-fives Ben) Awesome!”

Most Seemingly Normal Bachelorette: Jamie. “I don’t have anything cute or corny to tell you, but, (shrugging) I’m Jamie.”

Most Enviable Introduction: Brittney the Medical Sales Rep brought her really sweet and normal grandma along (who is on crutches with a broken foot for bonus points) to both confuse Ben (when Grandma steps out of the limo) and delight him (when Grandma says she would like him to meet her beautiful Granddaughter) while explaining their shared love of family.

Most Memorable Introduction: Lindzi (yes, I am spelling her name "correctly"), an equestrian, rode in on her horse, who she said was named “First Impression Rose.” This scheme won her comments from the other girls including, “Screw you and the horse you rode in on,” from the cocky model. They’re just jealous they didn’t get the first impression rose like Lindzi did!

Potentially Weirdest Bachelorette: Blakeley. Remember Casey from Ali’s season? The guy who was so intent on “guarding and protecting” Ali’s heart that he actually tattooed a big ugly shield and rose on his arm? Well, Ali kicked him to the curb the day he got inked (duh) and he went on to date Vienna, Jake Pavelka’s ex-fiance. Well, assuming that won’t work out, I found the girl for Casey. Blakeley the "VIP" cocktail waitress (she used to be a Hooters girl) has inked her entire forearm with a heart and a key to her heart, along with the words, “Love is Patient, Love is Kind."

Also, please note, that when I did a google search for a picture of Blakeley, some nearly nudie tudie Maxim pictures popped up. Nowwww I know what a VIP cocktail waitress means!

Most Sexually Confused Bachelorette: Monica, who decided she was more interested in Blakeley than in Ben. They both ended up with roses, so we'll see which relationship develops.

So, there you have it, some highlights from the premiere. Let's see what trouble these girls (who are already cat-fighting) will get into tomorrow evening. And as the previews show, we have some excellent breakdowns coming for our viewing pleasure, along with some fun travel and (crossing my fingers this isn't the case) a Bachelor being rejected as he offers the final rose.

Thanks for joining me as the drama unfolds!
Beth