Ya know, I was disappointed when I heard Brad was going to be the Bachelor, thinking this season would be boring. Shame on me for losing my faith in ABC. All it takes is a dude with a hot bod and 25 desperate girls locked up in a mansion with a bunch of booze…and it’s magical every time.
Ashley the dentist got the first one-on-one date. Brad led her on a horror movie hike to a big switch in the words. She flipped it on and found herself in a creepy carnival. Repeat alert! Jake took the girls to a carnival. Remember that’s when “Don’t Kiss Me, Kiss Me Elizabeth” gave him the note about not kissing him. Anyway, Ashley loved pretending to be scared on the rides…holding Brad’s hand, grabbing his bulging biceps…can’t blame her. And Brad didn’t mind. He thinks Ashley is the entire package, and at this point, I agree. She’s intelligent, pretty, and he feels comfortable around her. They even opened up to each other about their mutual daddy issues. His “walls came down” and he said this was the “best date (he’s) been on …maybe, in years.” Brad, we all know that the only dates you’ve been on in the past four years were with your therapist, so I certainly hope so!
Meanwhile the next date card arrived at the mansion, at which the bikini bottom and tank top clad girls screamed and ran to the door. The date card read, “Let’s share something from the heart.” They’d better learn to share because 15 girls were signed up for this date. Michelle the crazy mommy hair stylist was pissed because it was her 30th birthday and she had to go on a date with 14 other women. I think she was expecting special treatment. I hear ya, Michelle. My 30th is in April and I’m gonna’ make sure it’s all…about…me. Like she said, it’s not like 29 or 31…it’s 30.
On to the group date and another repeat alert! Brad wanted to donate some time to the American Red Cross. Remember when Ali gave back by frolicking on the beach with a bunch of hottie patoties to make a Bachelorette calendar that no one bought? And remember when Ali and the boys made a music video for Barenaked Ladies and the Weatherman cried because he doesn’t know how to kiss a girl? Well merge those two dates together and that’s what we had tonight. These girls were to create silly vignette PSA’s for the Red Cross, encouraging people to give blood.
The girls got their scenes. Some were happy. Some were not. Some girls got bad costumes while others were hot. The poor little Rockette got the worst costume. She had to dress like a boy and wear a neck brace and arm casts. God I love this show. I started loving it more when crazy mommy hairdresser Michelle threw a 30th birthday pity party and then a catfight started brewing between manscaper Raichel and waitress Melissa.
While Brad dealt with the drama, Jackie found out about her one-on-one date. On their date they sped away in Brad’s silver rental sports car and drove to Rodeo Drive for “her very own Pretty Woman experience.”
I had a Pretty Woman experience once. Well, kinda'...not really. I was on a business trip to New York. I had flown into Jersey and my luggage was missing…and no one knew where it was. Unfortunately I needed to wear a suit the next morning, so a lost suitcase was unacceptable. I hopped on my bus to the city and by the time I got there I had a little over an hour to buy a suit and then take myself on a date to see Tarzan. This was the only evening I have ever loved Times Square. I got off my bus, looked around and saw an Ann Taylor on the corner. Usually, when sales ladies ask me if they can help me find anything, I answer with a polite, “No thank you. I’m just looking.” This time I was like, “Hell yes you can help me. This is my drama…I need to be business professional from head to toe…quickly because I have a date with Tarzan.” Like magic multiple ladies were throwing suits over the dressing room, getting me everything from shoes to jackets. It was so much fun…until I had to pay. But, I made it to Broadway, my suitcase arrived by midnight, I brushed my teeth, had makeup to wear and…returned almost all of the clothing the next day.
Fortunately Jackie’s Pretty Woman experience was better than mine. After a facial and hand massage (from Brad), she got to sort through racks of dresses and shoes, get her hair and makeup professionally done…all for a mystery evening. Then they got in a fancy car and drove to the Hollywood Bowl where the marquee said “For Jackie, Love Brad.” Hey now, be careful with the L word, Brad. This is how you got yourself in trouble last time! The duo finally talked during dinner and Jackie admitted she didn’t really date in college and that she’s only had two boyfriends in her whole life. Brad got creeped out by that and began to worry that she’s too cautious, but ultimately gave Jackie a rose. And after she got her rose, Train performed for them and they danced the night away. So, basically, Brad had to give her the rose or Train wouldn’t have had their moment in the Bachelor spotlight.
On to the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour. Crazy mommy hairdresser Michelle immediately pulled Brad away from the crowd to quiz him with bizarre questions. If there’s one thing I know from being a Bachelor junkie, it’s that stealing the Bachelor away at the cocktail hour when you already have a rose is a surefire way to piss off the other girls. I see girl trouble in Michelle’s future.
But then the real drama got going. We had the first awesome catfight and crazy tears. I saw a spot on the hard-hitting news I like to watch (I love Robin Roberts and GMA and I don’t care who knows it!) about what a turn-off crying girls are to guys. Melissa should have watched that spot before she went on the Bachelor. During her one-on-one time with Brad she cried and complained about Raichel…and then stopped to talk about her onion pizza breath. Extra sexy. If this girl gets a rose after telling her daddy on Raichel, then I quit dating. But instead of ignoring the drama, Brad, now a therapist and peer mediator, ran over Raichel to get her side of the dumb story. More tears.
Then…surprise…Ali and Roberto made an appearance. They came to help Brad with his decision and quiz the girls. Unfortunately Melissa also used her one-on-one time with Ali and Roberto to complain about how the girls are targeting her. Here’s another rule I’ve learned over the seasons. The girl who claims she’s being targeted…is targeted because all of the other girls realize that she is bat shit crazy.
On to the rose ceremony, where Brad had to send three girls home. He did well and sent home both of the trouble-makers: Manscaper Raichel and Bat Shit Crazy Melissa. He also sent home the Rockette, Keltie, who left the mansion thinking she’s terrible at dating and that she’s meant to be alone because this was her “last-ditch effort.” Keltie, if you’re out there…you’re cute. You simply got hosed by having to wear the neck brace and broken arm costume while the other girls showed off their tatas. And this isn’t your last-ditch effort…there’s always the Bachelor Pad!
LOVE your recap!
ReplyDeleteAfter spending 2 hours with a DVR and a couple glasses of wine- I realize that all I walked away with was "Hair Commentary" - probably because I am catty and shallow.
- Jackie had a sweet Pretty Woman moment...except those hair and makeup professionals really screwed her over. I could have done her hair better than the professional turd on the side of her head.
- Keltie. Oh, Keltie. Your ombre hair is no Whitney Port, Jessica Biel, or Rachel Bilson. Please reconsider your color. The dates will follow, I promise.
- I am so glad that Ali took out those extensions. I think she is a lot cuter when she has a more natural look- mostly because her roots and knots aren't distracting from her pretty smile.
Oh poor Keltie! Her long list of dating woes was a bit heartbreaking. I wonder who she dated at work though....do the Rockettes meet a lot of straight men?
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