Finally, the time has come. After years of “intensive therapy” to deal with the daddy issues he never knew he had, Brad Womack who was a “broken man” when we last saw him is now a “changed man” and is back for a second round of Bachelor fun.
87% of the premiere of The Bachelor was focused on what a shameful person Brad Womack, once the “most hated man in America,” is. Recall it was Brad who, after 6 weeks of fake dating, was the one and only bachelor to choose…no one, leaving both DeAnna and Jenni ringless. “So what,” you say? Yeah, me too. All he did was deprive a live studio audience of a happy “After the Final Rose” show and save one girl from fake dating him for another 6 weeks until that show aired…at which point, like every other Bachelor, he would have broken her heart anyway. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think that’s much worse…at that point the girl has her heart broken, and her finger too, as ABC tries to pry the 5 carat sparkler she’s been sporting from her hand.
Let’s review the Bachelor success rate:
1. Alex Michel – chose Amanda Marsh
2. Aaron Buerge – chose Brooke Smith
3. Andrew Firestone – chose Jen Scheftt
4. Bob Guiney – chose Estella Gardinier
5. Jesse Palmer – chose Jessica Bowlin
6. Byron Velvick – chose Mary Delgado
7. Charlie O’Connell – chose Sarah Brice
8. Travis Lane Stork – Sarah Stone
9. Lorenzo Borghese – Jennifer Wilson
10. Andy Baldwin – chose Tessa Horst
11. Brad Womack – chose no one!
12. Matt Grand – chose Shayne Lamas
13. Jason Mesnick – chose Melissa Rycroft and then did take backs and picked Molly
14. Jake Pavelka – chose Vienna Girardi and…turned out to be a massive jerk.
Wanna’ know how many of those 13 gentlemen are still with the girl they gave that final rose to? Zero. Big fat zero. And since I’m good at math, I can tell you that’s a 0% success rate and 100% broken heart rate.
So I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that people made Brad feel like a jerk in need of therapy to figure out how to tear down the “walls” he had built. Geez Brad, maybe you do need therapy if you can be convinced you’re a terrible person for not fake proposing to one of 25 floozies you just met!
I say, Brad did those girls (DeAnna and Jenni) a favor! In fact, both girls are currently engaged to other guys. Guys they met in real life and have real relationships with. In a surprising twist during the premiere, Chris Harrison invited DeAnna and Jenni to give Brad a piece of their minds. They should have said, “Brad, thank you for letting me go. I’m so happy with my current fiancé and you did the right thing.”
Instead, Jenni brilliantly said, “Once they (the girls he’s about to meet) figure out you’re their bachelor, their guards are going to go up. If I knew that I was getting ready to go out with someone who had hurt someone in the past, my guard would go up.” Oh Jenni, we’ve all hurt people in the past and we’ve all been hurt. According to you, your options are either to put your guard up…or date the 40-yr-old virgin.
And as the girls told Brad how disappointed they were in him, he only apologized, telling them how “profoundly sorry” he was. Again and again and again. For what? And when the first contestant of the evening stepped out of the limo, she actually slapped Brad across the face, saying that was from “every woman in America.” Speak for yourself tootse! And Brad’s response? “I deserved that.” Oh this poor, poor guy. His therapist has done one helluva job making a sane guy crazy.
Anyway, on with the show. Let’s meet our ladies! Well, at least the most memorable, all of whom we’ll see next week as the drama unfolds.
1. Alli, a 24 year old apparel merchant from my home town of Columbus, Ohio. Rumor has it she works at Abercrombie & Fitch and went to Miami University with a dear friend of mine. I worked at Abercrombie’s headquarters for 5 days once. I was an audit intern with PwC. Basically, I walked in every morning (no badge, no security) and was greeted by a male model. He may have been shirtless, I can’t remember. Then I spent my day walking by R-rated posters and listening to that horrible music they play in the stores, which they pump through headquarters. It was like Chinese water torture. And I’ll never forget that that disk had about 10 songs on it, so every half hour I heard Celine Dion sing “I drove all night.” Their cafeteria was really tasty though. It was like a really fancy high school. Fancy because the food was awesome. High school because girls were wearing Britney Spears jeans and I could see their thongs as they sat on the lunch benches. Horrifying. Anyway, back to Alli, who made an impression with Brad by telling him that she was once dumped for having a big butt. Then she asked him if he could handle her bedonkadonk.
2. Ashley H, a 26 year old dentist who enjoys dancing around in her undies. At first she seems fun and pleasant, but isn’t there something about dentists being the unhappiest people in the world? Apparently she gets crazy.
3. Ashley S, a 26 year old nanny with a southern accent. Brad’s a sucker for a southern accent and a “friendly” girl who grabs his ass. Ashley got the “first impression rose.”
4. Britt, a 25 year old food writer. I can’t remember anything about her, but I like a girl who can eat and write. Basically, that’s a dream job.
5. Chantal, a 28 year old executive assistant. She’s the classy lady who slapped Brad on behalf of “every woman in America.”
6. Emily, a 24 year old mommy who lost her fiancé at age 19 in plane crash. Unbeknownst to her, she was preggers at the time and now has a beautiful little girl. I like Emily because she’s nice. Brad likes her because she’s pretty with a southern accent. Let’s see how much baggage she brings to the mansion. If she turns into a Tenley and talks about her ex constantly, I’ll change my mind about her.
7. Jackie, a 27 year old artist sang for Brad. Nuf said. The singers never last.
8. Keltie, a 28 year old Rockette got to stay because she told Brad, “I have so many moves I can teach you. I am bendy.”
9. Raichel, a 29 year old “manscaper.” I don’t want to talk about it.
10. Madison, a 25 year old model is also…a vampire. Or at least she thinks so. She literally had fangs glued to her teeth but acts like they’re real. Brad is a little afraid but thinks the fangs are hot. When she got her rose, she pretended to bite his neck. My friends and I were laughing about Madison as they left my house after our Bachelor viewing party. So as I hugged my friend Erika goodbye, I pulled a Madison. I added a hissing sound for effect. I thought she would be expecting it. She wasn’t. So I sent her home with a newfound fear of vampires…and of me.
So there you have it. The Bachelor premiere. Let’s hope that next week we can move past Brad’s past transgressions and focus on dentists and manscapers and vampires…oh my!
Beth
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