Our bachelorette this season is itsy bitsy little Ashley, Brad Womack’s second runner up last season. While Brad and Ashley got off on a great foot, Ashley became insecure, which derailed their relationship.
We begin this season by following a pensive Ashley as she jogs and dances her way around Philly (with an excessive about of midriff baring footage), where she is a dental student. Determined not to let her insecurities get in her way this time, Ashley is ready to find love once again. From previews it seems she’s in for Mr. Toad's Bumpy Ride.
A newly brunette Ashley was bedazzled head to toe as she met her 25 suitors. With her big evening ahead, Ashley’s insecurities resurfaced as she worried that the men would be disappointed when they found out she was the Bachelorette. That made me very sad and I hoped for Ashley that she could win ‘em over. I must say, I wasn’t the biggest Ashley fan last season, but she did a lovely job as she took center stage for the first time.
Now let’s meet her men…the Hotties (lots of Hotties) and the Notties!
The Hotties:
•First Rose Ryan: The owner of a company in the solar industry, Ryan is adorable! He, like most of the guys this season, has a great bod. And unlike my recent ex, his chest doesn’t have a built in sweater vest. Bonus. Ryan made a great first impression with a genuine smile and the line, “Brad’s loss is my gain.” Ryan was the first guy to get out of the car, the first guy to steal her away at the cocktail hour, and the first guy to get a rose. Good choice, Ashley. But for the record, if Ashley lets him go, he can cry on my shoulder!
•G.I. J.P.: J.P. works in construction mgmt, but he also looks like G.I. Joe. At first glance you’re not sure if he’s a bad boy or if he’s a sensitive artist. I don’t think he’s either, but I do think he’s a genuinely nice guy
•Widower West: West is the Emily of this season, having already met and lost his one true love. West is a super cute lawyer with a very sad story. I hope that West is ready to love again and he got off to a great start by giving Ashley a broken compass stuck on West. Pretty sure he has ex girlfriends all over the place gagging because he used that same thing on them. But I liked it and I like him. Ashleylikes him, too and gave him a rose.
•Wireless William: A cell phone salesman from Columbus, OH (woop woop….Go bucks!!!), William has been unlucky in love, seeing himself as the stepping stone boyfriend for his girlfriends, who get married to the next guy they date. While he may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, William is cute and seemingly a genuinely nice guy. But his constant impersonations are going to get tired real quick.
•Bonjour Ben: Ou la la, Ben was born in France and charmed Ashley with French (in which she is fluent) as he introduced himself. After growing up in England he is now a lawyer in New Orleans. A romantic musician, he’s the next best thing to running off with some hot guy you meet while studying abroad.
•Sonoma Ben: A winemaker from Sonoma (pitter pat pat), Ben is one of two Josh Groban look-alikes in this batch of boys.
The Notties (and Naughties):
•Bad Boy Bentley: Before the season even started, Ashley was warned by a friend from last season that Bentley is on the show for the wrong reasons. Unfortunately, it’s true. And even more unfortunately, despite that Bentley was super cocky and as dull as a doorknob, Ashley gave him a rose because she thinks he’s cute. What is cute is his little girl, Cozy. Yes, Cozy. I know that babies are in fact, Cozy. But that doesn’t mean you have to name your child after an adjective! Reminds me of an episode of “Say Yes to the Dress” or “Girl Meets Gown” (I torture myself with both of those shows) where one of the bride’s names was Duvet. Yeah, like a comforter. Because her parents wanted her to be a comforter of others. These are names for puppies, not people.
•Anthony: 4th generation Jersey shore butcher, Anthony looks like he could be in the mob or singing Grease Lightning on Broadway. Either way, Ashley wasn’t interested in a trip to the Jersey shore and sent Anthony home.
•Tanked Tim: Drunk before he got out of the limo, this liquor distributor really needs a new job. He cursed, he stumbled, he snoozed, he snored. And he was sent home before the rose ceremony. I wish Ashley had let him stay, as it would have been amusing to see him try to stand at attention for 30 minutes.
•Phantom Jeff: The Phaaaaaantom of the Opera is (unfortunately still) here. Entrepreneur and official freak Jeff worse a mask for the entire show, confusing this show with the 2003 Fox Reality Show, “Mr. Personality.” Basically he wore a mask because it’s what’s on the inside that matters. I’m pretty sure his insides are freaky, but I think Ashley was made to feel it would be shallow to let him go. So, for our viewing pleasure, Phantom Jeff will be lurking around the mansion for at least one more week.
•Jon: E commerce exec, Jon, thought he could sweep Ashley off her feet by…well, sweeping her off her feet and carrying her like a fireman with the line, “Can we just go straight to the honeymoon?” Ashley was sweet about it, but it must have been a little much because she send Jon home without a rose…and with tears in his eyes.
•Hey Mickey Not So Fine: While he got a rose, this Mickey didn’t blow my mind. I was surprised she decided to keep him around given he tried to kiss her the second he met her. Yuck yuck.
•Too Far Frank: A college Admissions Director, Frank picked Ashley up and spun her around. Because every girl wants to be picked up by the ass by a guy she’s never met? Well, not me. And not Ashley either. She sent Frank home.
•Not So Musical Mike: Mike won me over with the one-liner he used when he met Ashley. “This is the first time in my life that I’ve actually been excited to see a dentist.” I also loved it when he pretended to be a guitar player to get some alone time with Ashley. I thought it was hilarious. But Ashley sent him home.
•Canadian Chris CEO: That’s all I know about him. The three C’s. He’s Canadian. He’s a CEO. His name is Chris. And he’s eliminated.
•Baffled Bobby: Rob, a technology exec. introduced himself with a bad dentist joke. That’s two for two dentist jokes that didn’t go over well with Ashley. Like Mike, she sent Rob home…and he’s “baffled!”
The Not So Sursies
•Constantine Groban: Restaurant owner Constantine is our second Josh Groban impersonator. Now, let’s vote. Will the real Josh Groban please stand up!
•Awkward Ames: Ames has worked hard in life and is a Certified Professional Nerd (CPN). He has a killer resume boasting degrees from Duke, Yale and Harvard. He is a portfolio manager in NYC and has run 39 marathons and some ultra marathons as well. Ames’ online bio includes the question, “What is your most embarrassing moment?” His response? And I quote, “I had a teacher walk in on me while I was hooking up in boarding school.” Totally saw boarding school coming from a mile away with this guy. He did impress me, though, by bringing Ashley, who is a dancer, ballet tickets. And he impressed Ashley enough to get a rose.
•Lucas: An oil field equipment distributor, Lucas is really handsome. But he’s from Texas. And years of Bachelor / Bachelorette experience tell me to never trust a Texan! Think Brad Womack and Jake Pavelka.
•Cutie Chris D: Chris works in sports marketing and raps as a hobby. But he shouldn’t. He wrote Ashley a rap for their initial greeting and fortunately Ashley didn’t call a foul.
•Mama’s Boy Matt: Matt’s mommy thinks he and Ashley will hit it off. She told Ashley so. When Matt called her during their one-on-one time. Mommy also told them to use protection when they choose to forego their individual rooms and stay in the romantic suite. Oi vey.
•Ryan M: Ryan is a construction estimator. That’s all I got.
•Nick: Nick is a personal trainer, but I think he looks like Willy Wonka. Which I’d be ok with if I were Ashley as long as brought me a scrumdidilyumptious bar. Preferably with a golden ticket inside.
•Fake Blake: Like Ashley, Blake is a dentist. He’s hot with a gorgeous smile, but I’m 99% sure they’re veneers.
•Stephen: A hairstylist, I don’t remember anything about Stephen. I’m not sure he was on the show, but when I only counted 24 bachelors, I found him online. Maybe next week he’ll braid Ashley’s hair and they’ll fall in love.
This first episode gives me hope for Ashley…and for myself. There are great guys out there. Guys get hurt, too. They’re looking for love. And somewhere out there is my bachelor. If only I had Chris Harrison on the hunt.
Until next week!
Beth
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