The Bachelor weeks 6&7: Worst Dates Ever

We have two weeks to catch up on in preparation for Monday’s hometown dates.

I’ve been slow to write because I’ve found myself busy living in a real life Bachelor episode. Fortunately, those years of dedicated Bachelor viewing have really paid off as they’ve helped me to navigate this crazy love triangle. Whoever said reality TV is a waste of time?

Anyway, I don’t remember much from two weeks ago. I don’t remember much for three reasons.

1) It was almost two weeks ago

2) My girls couldn’t come over to watch the drama unfold, so instead of focusing, I alternated between watching the Bachelor and reading Tina Fey’s book, “Bossypants.” I’ll give you one guess which I found more enjoyable. To make sure we’re all on the same page here, Tina is funny. Ben is only funny looking. Tina’s book is awesome. Ben’s dates are awesomely bad.

3) Some friends came over halfway through the show, at which point we popped a bottle of champagne to toast to my friend’s new adventures in life…and that trumped Ben’s boring dates.

But from what I recall, here’s what happened…

Usually the dates on these dating shows are incredibly romantic, adventurous and fun. ABC just keeps topping each date with something more and more amazing. But this season, Ben keeps topping each date with something more and more torturous.

I thought two weeks ago was bad when he made the girls compete for more time with him in an uber-competitive softball game. I would have been oooooout if I had been on that date.

To quote Courtney the model, "Winning."

Losing

Since breaking my hand playing volleyball, I have sworn to never play team sports ever again. And no man, especially Ben, would be worth those flashbacks or the risk of getting more titanium in what I now call my "Wolverine Hand" and having to rock this bad-ass splint for another six weeks. At least my sister brought me a ring pop to bling up my busted hand and make me laugh about the ridiculousness of my situation.

My brother-in-law also came, with hand-related gifts in tow. Among them this amazing hand bird bath, which still makes me laugh every time I look at it sitting on my deck.

After high-fiving, praying and shaking hands with the hand bird bath we painted its nails. 'Cause when given nail polish and a hand bird bath, do you really have any other option?

And yes, I realize these are by far the most horrendous pictures of me ever taken. I share them with you because I trust you.

But back to the show....

Ben topped that ridiculous baseball game by taking Katie B on a survivor-themed boobie prize of a date. After a helicopter dropped the lovebirds off on an uninhabited island in Panama…oh no, they were all alone!

I mean, except for the camera guy, the microphone guy, the lighting guy. So they had the worst date of all time and literally pretended they were stranded, cutting down coconuts and fishing with a net. They did catch a fish but they likely threw it back. Then Kacie told us how “hot” been looked (“mmm mmm mmm”) while he tried to cut open a coconut with a machete to no avail. And I quote, “We lost the juice!”

It was awful to watch. Then after they miraculously made it off the deserted island, they had a nice dinner, over which Kacie confided in Ben that she used to have an eating disorder. It felt good for her to get it off her chest and Ben “makes it so easy.” So easy because he’s so dull. After pouring out her heart he said…nothing. He’s impressive.

Next Ben tortured all the ladies on the group date by taking them to a small village to don tribal gear and dance in the rain and mud with a bunch of scantily clad overweight tribal people. Of course, our dear friend Courtney the skinny dipping model decided not to wear her bikini top under the tribal gear, leaving her tatas somewhat exposed.

And to top it all off, she decided to “Shake it like Polaroid picture” all over the village.

Eh, it’s nothing Ben hasn’t seen before. But it is something he asked to see more of. Which Courtney, the skinny dipping model, happily agreed to.

What made this date extra terrible is that the girls had to hang out with Ben while he was wearing this:

This past week, Ben and the ladies took a romantic getaway to Belize. There were three one-on-one dates and one group date.

Ben took Lindzi (I still can’t get over that name) on a helicopter ride (shocking!) after which they jumped into the ocean. Lindzi and Ben had an “awesome” time. It was “awesome.” Awesome. Lindzi seems sweet, but dumb. She is also orange, as my friend Sam pointed out to me via text. To which I responded, “Oompa lumpa doompa dee do.”

Next Emily and Ben wandered around Belize. They tried to buy a lobster but the actor, I mean, the local lobster fisherman told them he was sold out. But, lo and behold, he offered to take Ben and Emily lobster fishing. They accepted (even though that's a terrible idea for a date) and Emily, who is a smart PhD candidate, got swept up in the silliness and said how she loves how spontaneous Ben is. Dear Emily, there was nothing spontaneous about that lobster hunt.

Anyway, they had some “spontaneous” fun and a lobster dinner. After this date, I thought Emily would be sticking around for next week’s hometown dates. But in the end, she’s simply going home.

The remaining girls all went on a group date swimming with sharks, which I'm sure is exactly what they were hoping for. Rachel monopolized Ben’s time by pretending to be scared. Clever, but it didn’t work and he sent her home, too.

What also didn’t work was the girls’ attempted intervention with Ben, warning him about how evil Courtney the model is. It has become quite clear to everyone except Ben that she doesn’t give a shit about him and just wants to win the game. Although, she did offer the cameras a few semi-convincing tears. But faces like this as the other girls discuss how much they care for Ben tell a different, and more truthful, story.

Yes, that's what my face looks like when I think about Ben, too.

Next week we’ll be heading home with Lindzi, Kacie, Nicki and Courtney.

Until then, I’ll be prepping for my own rose ceremony…wish me luck!