The Bachelorette Week 6: Wash that man right outta' your hair

It’s Wednesday and I’m watching this week’s episode of The Bachelorette for a second time. Thwarted by a storm, which never made it to my house, and the constant meteorologist interruptions, I missed some of the most crucial drama…when Ashley got her period.

That sounds weird, but I’m talking about punctuation.

I was not talking about punctuation when, in elementary school, I was watching an episode of the Cosby show and Vanessa Huxtable got her period. Mrs. Huxtable was really excited; Vanessa was a woman…and I was confused. So I went upstairs to ask my parents what a period was. My father responded, “It’s the dot at the end of a sentence.” I replied, “I know, I know, but I think there’s another kind because Vanessa Huxtable just ‘got’ hers.” So my mom had me collect my little sister and meet her in the kitchen for a chat. I went back to the 4th grade the next day feeling oh so educated (and grossed out).

Well, while teeny tiny Ashley looks like she's still waiting to get her first period, she did finally get a period (rather than a “dot dot dot,” also known as an ellipsis) from Bentley.

Bentley may not know what to call a “dot dot dot,” but at least he knows there are only three “dot dot dots.” Among my many pet peeves is when people think there are like……a……lot………….more….dots……….involved……in…..an…ellipsis…..especially…in..a…powerpoint….presentation…….at…..work. Three…dots. Unless it’s at the end of a sentence, in which case, you get to use one more, the period.

So, let’s recount how Ashley finally got her closure…and her period.

After arriving in Hong Kong, Chris Harrison came to Ashley’s room to tell her that Bentley was in the hotel and wanted to talk to her.

“We’ve reached out to Bentley and he wants to talk to you today. And in fact, he’s in this hotel…right…now.”

Wrong! Bentley did NOT want to talk to her. ABC begged Bentley to come to Hong Kong and offered him first class airfare and a fancy hotel suite in order to make good TV.

Ashley asked, “Are you serious?” Chris responded, “Yes, I’m not gonna’ mess with you.”

Chris Harrison, shame on you! You ARE messing with her. A phone call with Bentley would have been sufficient and you just led her to believe that Bentley wants to talk to her!

So Ashley pulled herself together and went to Bentley’s room, hoping he wanted her back. When she knocked, he answered, “Who is it?” And I could hear him grinning through the door. When he opened the door, he told her she looked “adorable” and gave her a hug. Then, and this is embarrassing, Ashley looked up, begging for a kiss. She got one. Ugh. Then they went to sit down and she flirtatiously wiped her lipstick from his mouth. That’s what Bentley wanted…your grubby hands on his jerk face lips.

Now I need to just play back this conversation for you, in Ashley and Bentley’s own words.

Ashley: Do you come here often?
Bentley: Yeah, no. I thought about calling, but that would be too easy. So, I thought I’d fly…around the world…to see ya. (Leading her on…he’s gonna’ ask to come back!)
Ashley: Well, I’m glad you’re here.
(Awkward conversation about bug bites.)
Ashley: Gosh I don’t even know where to begin.
Bentley: Start at the start.
Ashley: Well, after you left, I had a really hard time? (Note: This is not a question, but to be true to Ashley’s speech patterns, I need to make it one.)
Bentley: Did you have fun, though?
Ashley: Noooo.
Bentley: Sorry. (Like hell he is!)
Ashley: So, yeah, I think you leaving was really hard…for me.
(Bentley places hand on Ashley’s knee.)
Bentley: For me too. (BS)
(Ashley says a bunch more about how hard it was and how she feels guilty regarding the other guys.)
Bentley: Selfishly, I appreciate that. You know, that’s kinda’ reaffirmation about us being on the same page I think? (Also not a question AND you are NOT on the same page or even reading the same book.) So, you can understand where, if we have something good going, it’s hard to just walk away and say…. (Gestures in a way that says, “goodbye.”)
(Continued BS about not knowing what the future holds for them and that Ashley should come to Salt Lake if it doesn’t work out with the other guys.)
Bentley: I guess if I could do it all over again…for your sake and, and ya know, that’s why I’m here now is, ya know, to say that I couldn’t believe that I went home and missed this, missed you, missed being here. That was real and that was very shocking to me. (HUH?)
(Ashley talks about knowing they met for a reason)
Bentley: I think you know where I’m at, an an, I think you know where I’m coming from a little bit. (Nope! Not at all!) And I think you’re here for a reason, and you’re here for a purpose, and I think that knowing I’m home it doesn’t look good for me and you, and I would implore you to do all that you can to see what you have here I guess.
Ashley: So this is our period.
(Ashley finally tells Bentley off. And it was awesome. You go girl!)
Bentley: I think that with where you are at in this whole journey and process, that maybe we should call it a period.
Ashley: So you came all the way here and you could have just talked to me on the phone?
Bentley: I wanted to see you. (Translation: I wanted to see you cry. And I wanted to see me on TV.)
Ashley: Why? Just wanted a vacay?
(All the while, Bentley is smirking.)
Ashley: You should have called.
(Lots of silence and smirking.)
Ashley: That’s it.
Bentley: (whispers) Ok. (‘Cause he’s so broken up he can’t speak?)

Ashley left and washed that man right out of her hair. Feeling refreshed and free of that a-hole, she moved forward with her other dates. I have to admit, I haven’t completely washed my own Bentley (and the similarities and uncanny!!!) out of my hair. You know what the difference is? I don’t have seven guys lined up to take me out!

So, maybe I need to have a “Wash ‘Bentley’ out of my hair” event. I just need someone to collect and screen applications for men and I’ll do my own little elimination game. And I won’t even make my dates box each other (recall Ames’ concussion last week?) or compete at Dragon Boat racing (which she did in this episode).

Back to Ashley. Things were looking up for her for a while and the rest of the show included:
• Her first date and kiss with Lucas, the Texan
• A super awkward, icky kiss with Ames in an elevator. I’m trapped!
• A romantic date with cutie J.P.

Then Ashley made the mistake of sharing her newfound relief over getting closure with Bentley with the men before the rose ceremony. She told them about Bentley’s visit and that she has finally moved on.

She thought she was being honest; that they would join in her excitement for the future. They didn’t.

Mickey actually threw a fit and left the show, right then and there. Fortunately, no big loss. That simply saved Ashley from having to NOT give him a rose anyway. Blake the dentist also had a hissy fit and made Ashley feel badly. When she came back with a teary-eyed apology, Blake felt sorry, as he should. But he was too dumb relay his regret to Ashley, and therefore, he was sent home.

With six remaining guys, we’re getting dangerously close to hometown and overnight dates. I’m crossing my fingers that Ashley truly is over Bentley and that she can take advantage of the rest of her time as The Bachelorette. And I’m crossing my toes that Bentley shows up for “The men tell all” so that the audience can pelt him with tomatoes.

Until next week!
Bachelorette Beth

The Bachelorette Week 5: Thai'd up on Bentley

From one luxury villa in Thailand to another. This time in Chaing Mai…

Josh Groban…errr…Ben F, the winemaker, went on a one-on-one date with Ashley. They held hands as they strolled to a Thai taxi headed for romance. The taxi brought them to an outdoor market where Ben daydreamed that he was walking around with his girlfriend, only dropping Ashley’s hand out of necessity. While they sat in front of a temple, unable to kiss out of respect for Thai culture, they mentally kissed (literally closing their eyes while simultaneously imagining a kiss) with a spoken intention to turn that thought into reality later in the evening. After some dinner and deep conversation, Ben received a rose and that long-awaited kiss while entertained by Thai dancers and fire breathers.

I’m glad Ashley had her moment, because after that, Chaing Mai was all downhill. Since Ashley was fully-clothed all of last episode, and because I’m fairly certain ABC wrote a clause into her contract stating that she has to show her midriff 25% of the time, she flaunted her bod in a sports bra while Thai boxing. It was also her opportunity to check out the merchandise, as all of the men were expected to strip down as well. I think the boys should always be shirtless…it was nice.

After three hours of Thai boxing training, it was time to fight. Ashley loaded the boys into a truck that took them to a ring in the middle of town. Two Thai men were sparring, and the boys started to mess themselves out of fear.

Fight 1: Blake the Dentist vs. Luke the Texan. They didn’t play nice. Serious punches to the head and face…my stomach was churning. Thank goodness they were wearing protective head gear. Blake won, which was probably good because he could fix the teeth he bashed out of Luke’s head.

Fight 2: Mickey the restaurateur vs. J.P., the smallest guy there. After getting in a few good hits, Mickey unleashed a devil in J.P., who boxed his little heart out.

Fight 3: Ames the Pacifist vs. Ryan the Solar Energy Cutie. Ames admitted to never throwing a punch in his life. Harvard and Yale are much too civilized for that. So Ames just bounced around in his pink shorts while Ryan gave him hit after hit to the head. One mild concussion later, Ryan took home gold and Ames took home a souvenir hospital bracelet.

Fight 4: Nick (Willy Wonka) vs. Constantine (Josh Groban #2), the big boys. We don’t know what happened in this fight because Ashley was too worried about Ames, who was completely out of it, to watch.

Ashley had the paramedics take Ames to the hospital, where he says they diagnosed him as completely love sick (clever even with a concussion!). I’m sure Ryan was worried about what he did to Ames (although he didn’t really express his regret)…but he was probably more worried about how it affected his chances for a rose. When Ames made his way back to the festivities that evening, he was still a little dizzy, disoriented and at a loss for words due to his head trauma. But he definitely scored a pity rose as a reward for his suffering.


Unlike Ames, Blake the Dentist had his best night ever. Blake expressed concern to Ashley that they haven’t had much time together and that he’s not sure she’s even attracted to him (p.s. She HAS to be because he is HOT HOT HOT). For this, Blake received reassurance that Ashley sees potential in him, a rose…and a kiss.

Ben C. (the flash mob dance guy) and William (the bad joke jerk from Columbus) drew the shorts straws and got a two-on-one date. Recall the rules…two men, one rose…one stays, one goes. So William, who has already goofed up by offending Ashley with bad jokes, decided to impress Ashley by telling her that Ben C. is looking forward to online dating back home (something I’m sure he said in jest back at the villa). William then told Ashley that Ben’s not the only one who is no longer interested in her. Great job, William. Way to make an insecure girl feel swell…again! Unfortunately, Ashley believed William, no questions asked, and immediately sent Ben home. Where Ben made a mistake is in not fighting for Ashley to hear otherwise, because I truly believe he wanted to stay…for the “right” reasons.

William was rewarded for being a nark and rode off on an elephant with Ashley. My only hope was that he wouldn’t get a rose either. Last week on vacation, I was swimming in the Atlantic with my seven-year-old niece. She kept saying, “I wished for this Bethie, I wished for this.” She was referring to a calm day at sea. Lucky for me, my wish came true, too and Ashley told William that it’s too late, the spark is gone. Buh bye! Hooray!

Apparently Ashley also doesn’t need a chocolate river or little orange men running through her house, so she sent Willy Wonka home, too. Willy (Nick) was devastated, but not to worry…he’s the candy man. He’ll mix it with love and make the world taste good for another lucky lady.

Despite making the right choices this week, Ashley’s just not in this with her whole heart. Unable to let go of her feelings for Bentley (girl…I know how it feels!), Ashley confided to Chris Harrison that she can’t stop thinking about him. Recall that Bentley left the show with a “dot dot dot,” cruel and unusual punishment, leaving Ashley with a need for closure. The “dot, dot, dot” won’t allow Ashley to move forward and she has asked Chris Harrison if she can speak to Bentley.

So, while we thought Bentley was coming back this week, ABC was just teasing us. We'll have to wait another week, when, based on previews, it seems Bentley will be more than happy to accept an all expenses paid trip to Thailand to pull on Ashley’s heart strings a little more. Let’s hope she can get over this guy before she loses her chance with someone who is actually worthy of her love.

Until next week,
Beth

The Bachelorette Week 4: The Calm after (and before) the Storm

I recently learned that Florida sun is NOT like Ohio sun. And SPF 60 doesn’t seem to entirely do the trick on this butt-white beige bachelorette. So I find myself in my hotel room taking a vacation from…vacation. Fortunately, I have a computer, internet access and ABC.com to fill me in on what I missed this week.

This week was Ashley’s calm after the Bentley storm. While she can’t stop thinking about him, she recognizes that she needs to move on. She had Bentley goggles on and now that they’re off, she can see the potential for happiness with one of the other guys. This week was about healing for Ashley, who can’t seem to get Bentley off her mind. Recall, she thinks he only left the show because he misses his daughter while viewers know he “just not that into her,” making it hard for her to let go. Alas, previews show that this calm after the storm is short-lived as it also happens to be the calm before the storm, as Bentley will weasel his way back on the show next week.

But for this one Bentley-free week, the cast’s time in the mansion came to a close. Since the Bachelor/Bachelorette has recently become a show appropriate for The Travel Channel, the boys grabbed their passports and jetted off to a luxury villa on the beaches of Phuket, Thailand.

Constantine (a.k.a. Josh Groban) was awarded the first one-on-one date with Ashley. While Ashley had intended to take Constantine out to a private island, her plan was thwarted by a storm. Instead, they found themselves roaming the streets and markets of Phuket. There, they ran into an old local man, who told them the key to a long and happy marriage is forgiving and forgetting. He also said, “Don’t try to win.” Ashley sparked to this comment, as it is 100% relevant to “The Bachelorette” game. She slapped Constantine’s shoulder, surprised by the comment. He didn’t get it. She repeated the comment…twice. He still didn’t get it. While Constantine did receive a rose at the end of this date for lifting Ashley’s post-Bentley spirits, I’m pretty certain he won’t make it to the final rose.

The group date was community service day. This has become a recent Bachelor / Bachelorette trend. But Ashley is the first Bachelorette to actually know what community service is. She and her crew spent the day beautifying an orphanage and were handsomely rewarded by the grins and happy chatter of the many children living there. Looking back to past seasons, my favorite “service” event was when Ali decided she would do some good in the world by hosting a photo shoot and creating a Bachelorette calendar. Proceeds from calendar sales would then be used to support some eco-friendly agencies. But come on, Ali. Spending a day on the beach with a bunch of hard-bodied half-naked men…who was that really benefitting? I think I am going to set up a kissing booth where cute boys hang out (once I figure out where that is) and accept donations for charity. Oh how I suffer in the name of generosity!


That evening, the group date continued with some drinks (in the rain), where Ashley stole my kissing booth idea. She made the rounds and especially enjoying playing tonsil hockey will cutie J.P. while the rest of the men looked on with envy. Good! This girl needs to be fought over a little to lift her spirits! But it was Ben F, our second Josh Groban look-alike and Sonoma winemaker, who took home the rose of the evening.

Next Ames (our Yale, Harvard, Columbia grad and ultra marathoner) was awarded his first one-on-one date, a magical kayak trip in Phuket. Until this point we haven’t learned much about Ames other than his resume. Turns out Ames has been to Phuket a couple times before, once to climb mountains and again to go to cooking school. All of a sudden, I developed a crush on Ames…despite his far-set eyes. I thought he was just a super intense investment banker / marathoner, but as it turns out...he’s a totally interesting guy and far more spontaneous than I had assumed. Ashley was surprised, too, and admits that she may not have noticed Ames had Bad Boy Bentley not excused himself from the show. Unfortunately, Ashley and Ames didn’t seal the evening with a kiss, which doesn’t bode well for their future, as she hasn’t hesitated to kiss any of the other fella’s. I’m afraid Ames may end up in the “friend” camp…in which case, I’d be happy to go on a date with him. He did say he’s looking for a strong, independent woman after all!

At the cocktail hour, Ashley pulled West aside to see if he’s truly ready for a relationship. Recall, West lost the love of his life to a seizure a few years ago. Ashley asked West if he was ready to move on, date again. But she also mentioned that she feels somewhat insecure about “filling her shoes.” West framed his responses beautifully and I completely trust that he is in as healthy a place as posssible given his story. But, it wasn’t enough to make Ashley comfortable and West was the only bachelor this week who failed to take home a rose. Ashley needs to work on her insecurities, as she just let a great guy go. But, I don’t fear for West, who has now made a huge step forward in finding love again.

Until next week!
Beth

The Bachelorette Week 3: Pits and Peaks

Week three was a rough one for Ashley! And per Chris Harrison, it nearly led her to quit the show. I’m glad she’s sticking around because, while I’m not too impressed with Ashley’s remaining bachelors, I think there is potential that a good one is hiding in there somewhere.

I was watching “Khloe & Lamar” (Khloe of Kardashian fame) and she mentioned that growing up, her father asked everyone to share the pit and peak of their day during family dinner. So, given the highs and lows of this episode, I thought we could borrow that approach for this post, highlighting Ashley’s pits and peaks of week 3.

Peak: Ask and ye shall receive. Disappointed that he didn’t get picked for the dancing date in Vegas last week, Ben told Ashley to pick him the next time dancing would be involved, as he likes to dance. So, she invited him on a one-on-one date to a dance studio, where she taught him a dance. Later, at a park, Ashley asked Ben to do the dance…in public…without music. He went along with it and then all of a sudden, they were in the midst of a flash mob. Ben did a great job and Ashely congratulated him with the first leg wraparound of the season. If you aren’t familiar with a flash mob, here is my favorite example. It’s when a large group of people get together to do something silly all at the same time, stunning/confusing/entertaining innocent bystanders. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwMj3PJDxuo

Pit: While Ben’s Flash Mob date was a peak. The second part of the date = pit. And more specifically, it was kissing Ben that was Ashley’s pit. Turns out that Ben’s idea of kissing is pouting his lips (which were super-glued shut) and then pressing them up to Ashley’s pursed lips for an extended period of time. It was kind of like when you play that game in elementary school where you “kiss” someone by high-fiving and each kissing the back of your hand. Look, I’m kissing but without the coodies. Oooooh. From now on, Ben shall be referred to as "Bad Kiss Ben." See proof below.

Peak: The masked man finally decided to stop being crazy and show Ashley his face. Bout time! There was a lot of anticipation and a monologue about why he did this and how he’s excited to reveal his face. Off with the mask already! And then…

Pit: Actually seeing the masked man’s face. I couldn’t wait to see Ashley’s reaction. Stone-faced, she really didn’t have one. And right then, we all knew it was over for the masked man.

Pit: The group date this week was an accident waiting to happen…a trip to a comedy club to roast Ashley. While most of the jokes had nothing to do with Ashley, when they did, the guys made fun of her “Almost AA” chest. She took that like a champ…she knows her killer abs make up for it. But then William threw out a doosie of a “joke”. Thinking that the other guys didn’t do a proper roast, William “joked” that the guys really wanted the Bachelorette to be Emily. Ashley’s fear than the men would be disappointed that she wasn’t Emily or Chantal or Shawntel was her biggest reservation about doing this show. William really tapped into Ashley’s biggest insecurity and as soon as the “comedy” show was over, she ran off crying.

Pit: No one cared that she was crying!!! These idiot guys saw Williams say something REALLY mean to Ashley and no one ran to comfort her. Not even the offending bachelor! In fact, it was Bentley, the biggest jerk on the planet, who finally went to talk to her. So, that’s not saying a lot for the rest of men! And later that evening, Ashley expressed to the group how hurt she was. Again, no reassurance from the group. Finally William took her aside to NOT apologize. He said, “There’s nothing I can do to make this right. I hurt someone I care about a lot.” Ummm, here’s an idea, William. Say, “I’m sorry! I think you’re the greatest!” So, it turns out William from Columbus is just like Jim Tressel. He’s just posing as a nice guy. My hometown is not lookin’ so good right now.

It was Ryan the solar panel company owner who finally took the bait and told Ashley what she needed to hear…that’s she’s beautiful and that he is so excited that she is the bachelorette. That was enough to win Ryan the rose of the evening.

Pit: As expected, Bentley broke Ashley’s heart this week. Telling her a story about how he misses his daughter, he said he couldn’t take it anymore and had to leave. Meanwhile he’s telling the camera how he’s not attracted to her, even calling her an “ugly duckling,” which she clearly, is not. After a drawn out conversation, Bentley continued to lead Ashley on by saying, “dot dot dot,” implying perhaps something could be between them in the future. Chris Harrison tried to tell Ashley to forget Bentley, that if there was any part of him that cared for her, he would have stayed.

My message to Chris Harrison…you care more about ratings than this girl’s heart. Chris Harrison is not a friend to any Bachelor / Bachelorette. He should never have allowed Bentley to stay on the show when he was clearly stating to the cameras that he was just there to play games with Ashley’s heart.

And my message to Ashley: Michelle Money (as in Crazy Mommy Hairdresser Michelle from last season) warned you about Bentley. We know Michelle is crazy, so I can see why you would have ignored her warning. However, what was fact is that Michelle is friends with Bentley’s ex wife. So, clearly Bentley’s ex wife is crazy…because she is friends with super classy Michelle. And if Bentley’s ex wife is crazy, well, he must be, too…because he married her. Moral of the story…you wouldn’t want him even if he wanted you. You’re being rejected by a crazy person, which doesn’t count. Of course, this is coming from a girl who still can’t get over a crazy jerk, but ya know, easier said than done.

With that, I really hope that there are more peaks in Ashley’s future on this show. I think Ryan the solar panel guy has potential. And I'll take him if Ashley doesn't want him! There’s also the dentist with veneers. And while Ames is a mega-nerd, he’s a mega-nerd who would treat her right.

There were some additional peaks and pits in the rest of Bachelor/Bachelorette-land this week that I’d like to share before we part ways.

Pit: Brad and Emily have officially broken up. Apparently, Brad dumped Ashley over the phone. I’ll try to get my hands on an interview with Emily for the facts, but I guess she has already turned her sparkler over to ABC.

Mega Peak: It’s official…there will be a Bachelor Pad 2! And I’m not done yet. Guess who’s going to be on the show! Crazy Mommy Hairdresser Michelle. AND Vienna! AND Jerky Jake Pavelka! Woohoo! This is going to be fabulous. And it gets even more fabulous because Casey, who as I have mentioned has decided to “guard and protect” Vienna’s heart, is also going to be on the show. Vienna + Jake + Casey = mega drama.

But before we delight in that hot mess, let’s find some love for Ashley!

Until next week,
Beth